Ask Lola

*Sorry, I am trying to keep up with these but have been slacking off. I'm gonna knock off a few really quick. And just for the record {if you read yesterday's post about me loving sick days} I only love sick days when it means that I get to snuggle my adorable little boys all day. I DO NOT love sick days when it means that I am up all night heaving my guts into the toilet while also nursing the baybuh in two hour increments. Yeeowzas. Pray for me.*

You are sooo pretty! Do you have any good makeup tips?

I'm not "sooo pretty" so much as I am "suuuuuper tricky." I am assuming you are referring to the me you see in pictures here on this blog, so my first tip would be:

Wear three times as much make up for photo sessions as you would normally wear in real life and wear fake eyelashes.

Seriously?
Seriously.

At least, that's what I do...and it works wonders. With the flash or the sun and the distance between you and the lens, you will basically come out just looking like your normal self.

In regular life, here are my tips:
1. Bare minerals make up. LOVE it.
2. Wear blush. I spent the better part of my teenage years and even the early part of my twenties raging against the use of blush...and I look like a round-faced ghost in every photo taken of me from 1994 to 2002. Blush {when applied well} is your friend. Possibly one of your very best friends. Trust me.
3. Wear color on your lips, but not too heavy. The lighter the color, the fuller your lips appear to be. {Don't go all mod-pale-frosted-runway-model-creepy though, that's just lame.} I LOVE those green tubes of tinted minty lip gloss from bath and body works in the mall. They are all I ever wear anymore. You can totally wear their really red hues because they are still just a light gloss and they make your lips look natural and effortless. {plus your breath smells awesome all the time - bonus! You should still brush your teeth from time to time though...maybe...just sayin' ;) }

Do you have any recommendation for what to do with 2 and 3 yr old boys who have a fascination with dumping everything out (Food, soap, water)? I have tried different punishments, and they won't stop. I am locking everything, but they aren't getting it!!

When in doubt, spank.

Okay, kidding.
{Seriously, don't spank. Spanking ='s pointless with a lil' dash of hypocrite thrown in for good measure.}

But, if I am being honest, I don't think I ever solved that one with Kort! He was nutso at 2 & 3...I'm pretty sure I just survived until he outgrew it! Wish I could be more help!

Where did you get the yellow shoes you are wearing in your lovely new header pics? I have been looking for them all my life.

Good news? I found them at Target for like, $19.99.

Bad News? That was like, 2 years ago and they probably don't have them anymore.

Good news? I never ever wear them, and would be happy to send them your way. {email me at ldugovic@yahoo.com ...seriously. Do it. For reals. And I will send them to you. For reals.}

Good or bad news? They are size 8...and if you aren't a size 7 1/2 or 8...they probably wouldn't work for you. {But I really hope you are a size 7 1/2 or 8}.


How did you choose a midwife? Are they at a birthing center, do they work at the hospital?

I went to the midwives at Mt. Timpanogas Women's Health in American Fork. They deliver at the American Fork Hospital and the Timpanogas Hospital. This midwifery practice delivered both of my boys and I really like them.

If I'm being honest, we had a little glitch this time around where I knew something was going wrong at the tail end of my pregnancy, and none of them would freaking listen to me. {not so long as I asked nicely, anyway.} Finally, I woke up one morning with a much tinier stomach than I'd had the night before {was losing all of my fluid, but my water hadn't broken} so I called the midwife "on call" and told her that they were going to be in big trouble if I delivered a still born baby when I had told them {roughly 15 times} that SOMETHING WAS WRONG~!!! After that, she listened, ordered tests, all of which confirmed my suspicions that Tentens was in serious distress, and a few hours later, I was at the hospital delivering my baby.

Would I go back to them for baby number three?

Yes. BUT we are going to have a little chat right at the beginning about being better listeners. If they don't agree to induce me if I say I need to be induced, that's a deal breaker. I know a LOT of doctors who would be happy to accommodate me. And frankly, I have had scary medical complications with both boys at the tail end of their pregnancies. I have never gone into labor naturally, and don't know if my body even will. {Tennyson was 41 weeks when he went into major distress, and my body wasn't even kinda doing the labor thing yet...so, my body and I have some trust issues to work out. Luckily, my mother's intuition seems to be SPOT ON to balance things out a little.}

In their defense, the AF Hospital was completely packed and NO ONE was allowed to do an elective induction... so they were a little wary of me and trying not to get into trouble with the hospital. The problem was, I was having legitimate medical complications. There was nothing "elective" about either of my inductions. So...there it is. They really are awesome, I think I just had really bad timing in that I decided to get pregnant with the same due date (or due "week") as 40% of the pregnant women in the Utah Valley.

One thing that gives some people pause is that you don't really have a say in who will deliver your baby. You get whoever is on call, and there are 6 or 7 midwives in the practice. The good news is, all of them are pretty awesome, and I ADORED both of the midwives who delivered my boys.

Please share your hypnobirth experience! I would love to try it when I have a baby. The more details, the better=)

I really, really, REALLY will... soon. I still want to write all about Tennyson's birth. And I don't what is holding me back. It's just not...time yet. I feel like I have some sort of birth story writer's block going on. I promise to do it soon.

Do you have questions?
OR
Do you want to weigh in on something that has been answered here today?
Do it!

I am all ears, and have just recently taken a vow to not needlessly bite other people's heads off, so, you are SO golden.

Do you know how to get little boys to stop dumping out/getting into EVERYTHING? I am all ears for that one, too!

T.V.

If you happen to be awake at
5:45 a.m.
6:45 a.m.
or 7:20 a.m.

And if your tv happens to be turned to Channel 2 news,

You just might see me on there hob nobbin' it up with

Ron, Mary, or Debbie.

How fun is THAT?

{And no, I didn't chase my husband down the street in a bathrobe wielding a baseball bat or do anything else equally as newsworthy, but they are letting me be on the news anyway. Yay for Channel 2 News!}

Tivo, anyone?

Ask Lola.

What do you do when you're friends with the mom but the kids don't mesh well? And what do you do with a child who is mean to your child?

Just as I recommended segregated get-togethers with friends who have super annoying husbands, I also recommend segregated get-togethers with moms whose kids clash with yours. I know that "middle of the day" play dates are the best and easiest way to get the social interaction that so many stay at home moms crave, but you have to weigh the benefits against the inconveniences. If your kids are so busy squabbling, pinching, biting, and snatching toys that you find yourself refereeing the entire time, then is it really worth it?

If that's how it's going to go down, I personally would rather spend the time letting my own kids play quietly in their rooms whilst I re-read the entire Twilight series all over again all by my lone. (Thanks for the killer term, Sawyer Susie.) Oh Edward... he is just perfection, but team Jacob! Yay!
*Insert sarcastic tone here.*

Get your "friend time" in over dinner on a night out where you can actually visit and catch up on one another's lives. Don't do "nights out"? Well START! They are so great. Make it a priority. If your hubs doesn't want to watch the kids... um, have him come talk to me! Moms need time away. It is vital to their happiness. (You can thank me later.)

Play dates should be fun for YOUR KIDS. You should choose a play friend who will be a good example for your child. Someone who is courteous, mild, and won't push your child's buttons just for the heck of it. When you pair your kid with someone who causes trouble all of the time, they are picking up on all of the bad behaviors the other child is exhibiting. Before you know it, your kid will be the annoying one. He'll have learned from the very best.

As for ...what do you do with a child who is mean to your child?

I can only give my personal opinion here, so here is what I do.

If the OC (Other Child) is doing something that is immediately harmful (i.e. about to shatter something breakable, slam something heavy down on another child's head, take a header down some stairs, eat poison - you know... the basics) I recommend jumping in. But I recommend doing so in an upbeat, sweet voice saying something along the lines of "Uh oh! No, no, that can hurt you. Let's play over here." OR "Uh oh! No hitting!" (If the OC is older, you don't have to be condescending - adjust the tone as needed.)

If the OC is just generally rude, (snatching toys, pushing, threatening to "not be your child's friend if they don't do whatever OC says" - oooo I really HATE that last one - emotional manipulation amongst toddlers is just downright stinky.) I would hang back and let OC's mom deal with them. If mom DOESN'T deal with them - red flag! It's ALWAYS going to be annoying to have play dates with permissive parents because the kids run the show. So DON'T have play dates with those kids - go out to dinner with their lovely (albeit clueless) mother instead and have yourselves a great time.

There are kids that Kortland can play with all day every day without a single glitch. And there are only a handful of kids we have encountered in the last 4 years that he can't get along with to save his life! So, he plays with the 20 kids that can play nice, and we avoid the other few like the plague. It makes for a pretty nice life, if I do say so myself.

I DO NOT recommend trying to parent or scold someone else's children. EVER. They don't like it. Think about it, do you? I sure don't. The mama-bear surfaces pretty fast in situations where someone gets after my kid. Now, I try to be open-minded, and I know for a fact that my kids aren't perfect, but it's still MY job to do the dirty work. Not ANYONE else's.

Everyone has a different parenting style, and if your friend's parenting style results in an aggressive little turd that drives you and your poor toddler crazy, then avoid, avoid, avoid. Sorry, it's pretty much all you can do. You can't tell someone else how to parent. If someone insisted that I needed to start spanking Kort, I would think that they were nuttier than a squirrel turd! Period. People have their own values and issues when it comes to raising children, and to try and tell someone they are going about it all wrong is useless. You might as well tell them to change religions or political parties while you're at it...it's about that socially incorrect (not to mention pointless).

If you're an up-front kind of person, I don't see anything wrong with saying (very nicely) "You know, I don't feel like these two get on very well lately, so maybe we should put play dates on hold until they grow out of this stage." I wouldn't criticize their child in any way, because then you just look like the mom who thinks her kid is perfect... even though that's totally what you are ;) (Aren't we all?) And seriously, what person would take kindly to criticism about the little person they love most in the whole wide world? (Answer: No one I know...)

Ask Lola: Friends (and Potstickers)

I made pot-stickers today! ...and learned why they are called pot STICKERS. (Um, they kind of STICK to the pot and such.) Helpful hint? Don't ever (not never) move them until they are completely cooked! (You're welcome)

Dear Ask Lola, It seems like you have lots of AMAZING friends! HOW did you find them? After working for years and years I recently became a stay at home mom. So I've been trying to expand my group of friends as well as look for potential play dates. It seems like I can't find a girlfriend I would like to spend time with. So far my experiences have been a neighbor that complains about EVERYTHING, a friend of a friend that has NO personality and another that flakes out every time we make plans. Am I being too picky? Can you make a match.com for mommy friends?? HELP!? I feel like a friendless loser :(

Here is some info another reader offered:

"The Anonymous commenter should try looking for mommy friends through a city blog for moms if they have one in her area, she could also try the mommy morning outs that are hosted by local churches. They are a great way to meet other people and hear great advice on raising children. However, if she only knew when you are LDS you have a built in network of friends all around the globe.

Ha ha! She makes a good point! Being LDS automatically provides women with plenty of opportunities to make new friends and easily become integrated in her neighborhood community. If you are LDS, then I would say, take advantage of those opportunities.

HERE IS A RUNNING LIST OF WHERE I'VE MET MY CLOSEST FRIENDS:
* I would say about ten of my dearest friends were brought into my life through the church.
* Four were neighbors in different areas where we lived.
* Quite a few of my favorite "friend finds" were at Sweaty Chix Fitness here in Springville. (Although they have new locations opening up throughout the valley) Everyone there is SO AMAZINGLY nice and fun and outgoing. (What more could you ask for in a work out group?) They have some seriously fun Zumba too.
* Friends from college.
* Friends that I meet through friends.
* My husband's best friends' wives.
* a VERY select few friends from high school.
* Some of my best and most favorite friends on the planet of earth came through pageants (of all places!) And, while I'm not such a big fan of pageants themselves, and usually preface any mention of my pageant involvement with "What was I thinking!!???" I am SO HAPPY that I participated so that I could cross paths with these women. I seriously ADORE them.
* and I've even made a few friends through blogging. Friends that have become more than just blog friends - like, friends that go out to dinner or lunch with me in real life and such.

One thing I do (that helps me make friends) is talk.

Like, a lot. (Shocker!)

I talk to anyone and everyone (double shocker!) and it often results in new friendships. This can be hard (even REALLY hard) for some people, I know, but it is the easiest way I know of when it comes to meeting new people.

I also do something that most people will probably think is bizarre, or nerdy at the very least. When I meet...or even just "spot" someone who I think is totally amazing and eternally more cool, fabulous, and fun than I could ever hope to be, I decide that they are going to be my friend.

Kind of stalker-y huh?

Yeah, I know. But I've made some really cool friends this way.

This post is already way too long! Let me just close by saying - you aren't too picky! I don't like hanging with negative people or flakes either! I also struggle with people that make NO effort to be interesting, fun, or charming. Why should I have to do all the work carrying the conversation AND the friendship, right? I can understand (to a degree) if someone is naturally shy, but come on. We're adults. We should be able to carry on a conversation and do things that are outside of our comfort zones.

Ask Lola.

{Kortland's class party was yesterday. So much fun! He was a "scary pirate captain" and I wanted to eat him. I'm the room mother for his class this year, so that means party planning!!! Yay! So I dressed up too. It was all very fun. I love Halloween! As usual, the pics have nothing to do with the post. Enjoy!}

What would you do in this situation? My kindergartner has a best friend who comes with a mom who uses me as her only source of adult interaction. Just because I'm a stay at home mom doesn't mean I have nothing better to do than talk for an hour after school...

What would I do in this situation? I would be her friend.

While I totally understand where you're coming from (I'm SUPER stingy about my personal time, and hate when things keep me from being able to clean my house, get dinner started, and...okay, who am I kidding, NAP...) I also think that it's important to be open to new friendships and yes, even lengthy and inconvenient chats at the playground or school lobby from time to time. (Notice that I said "from time to time." More on this in moment.)

Why?

1. Because if she's lonely enough for you to be her "only source for adult interaction"... it probably means she needs a friend. Some people just have a really hard time making new friends. People like me, (you know, who are perfectly comfortable talking to strangers, 90-year-olds, dogs, mean people, nice people, and well, inanimate objects...) sometimes have a hard time understanding how it could possibly be so difficult, but the fact is... it is. Social isolation can be a really hard thing for moms. We have a lot going on all of the time, and often no one to talk it out with to help us process life's happenings in a healthy way. So, I would be her friend.

2. People who "need" friends, or don't have many (or any) friends, often make THE BEST friends. They have plenty of spare time to help out if you ever find yourself in a tragic, sticky, or simply busy situation. They are often good listeners. They won't take you for granted. They'll be on time...the list goes on.

As for the 1 hour chats after kindergarten gets out (that would drive me nuts... I'm not gonna lie). I would talk for 5-10 minutes and then honestly say "I have _______ that I need to get done at home, but we should do __________ (lunch? a playdate with the little besties? a girl's night out?) sometime!" Say it firmly, but graciously, and make your exit.

Yeah, visiting with someone for waaaay too long while my kindergartner runs around in circles, hungry and bored, and the laundry sits in my washer not getting dry, and my beloved afternoon nap floats off into the stratosphere, never to be seen or heard from again in this lifetime... is sort of my "seventh circle of hell" kind of scenario. But by scheduling an appropriate time and place to chat and give support, or advice, and what not, you'll be able to set boundaries, and reclaim your busy day time.

Oh, and I'm not saying be her pity-friend. I realize that, based on the way I have written this response, it may come across that way, but that is not what I mean at all. I don't have any fake friendships, and I definitely don't recommend that anyone go out and form one. (What would be the point, honestly?) I am suggesting that you make a sincere effort to befriend and get to know this person, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and really putting some wholehearted effort into seeing the best in them. You may be surprised by what you find.

But definitely set boundaries that will allow you to keep your life in order. I wouldn't "confront" her by saying "I really can't visit with you after school every day, so please stop talking to me for so long." Even though it's the truth, a confrontation never gets anyone anywhere. It makes the other person feel embarrassed, slighted, and resentful. NOT good results. A simple (and totally honest) excuse is the way to go every time.

How do you tell a beloved family member you will not give them money even though they're hungry, cuz they just can't get their life in order and you want them to figure it out?

Or should I?

If they are hungry (even if it's a stupid, lazy, "their own dang fault for being hungry" kind of hungry) I would feed them. Without a doubt.

Would I give them money? Ha! Not on their life! Nope. No way.

Those are 2 totally different things.

I would go to Walmart, get supplies for some seriously awesome PB&J sandwiches and LOTS of Top Ramen in every flavor imaginable (see, aren't you so thoughtful?) and tell them "Love you, good luck!"

Your instincts to "not help" are good. We have enough enablers out there (*cough* OBAMA! * sneeze* sniff... hm? What? Oh, nothing. I think I'm coming down with something.) making it nearly impossible for people to learn important life lessons and "make their own way," so I applaud you for not wanting to be one of them. At the same time, should we let people go hungry? ...eh, not so much. You don't want to have to live with the guilty of that day in and day out.

But I mean it on the Top Ramen and PB&J. Non of this fresh deli meat & steaks business. No delicious snack foods, great produce, gourmet frozen pizzas, or (heaven forbid) Nutella and Nilla wafers for them! Oh no. They get the basics baby. They get the basics, and a hug, some encouragement to get their hiney into gear, and I also think they should get a phone call the next time you need to clean out your garage, or move some heavy stuff around... I'm just sayin'...

{My STINKIN' cute nephew and a flapper-y me at the Halloween parade.}

Have you been watching "Sister Wives?" I heard that the state might prosecute them now. Do you think they should get into trouble for living the way they do?

I think that we should use our resources, first and foremost, to prosecute polygamists who are abusing and exploiting the children in their care. You know, the ones "marrying" 60 year old men to 14 year old girls, kicking young boys out of their colonies to fend for themselves, water-boarding babies, filing for HUGE amounts of government aid under the false pretenses of being single mothers... you know, those ones. There are a ton of them out there, and we aren't making much progress in stopping them, so why would we waste time and resources going after a family that is doing none of those things?

And, if we're going to go after a guy who is NOT abusing his children, NOT having his "spiritual wives" file for and benefit from welfare benefits of the state (a.k.a defrauding the state), and is NOT even actually (in the eyes of the law) legally married to anyone other than the first wife, then don't we also have to go after ANY guy who is married, but unfaithful? Isn't that the same situation this guy is in? It's not like he has legally married his additional wives under different aliases (which is totally illegal). In the eyes of the law, this guy has one wife and three concubines... if you want to get technical about it. So how is he different from some guy who has one wife and a bunch of women that he cheats with?
You know, other than the fact that he respects, has children with, and supports ALL of the women with whom he has a relationship, rather than lying to his wife and only minimally supporting his secret harem of women... I guess I don't see any difference at all.

And just for the record, I think polygamy is gross and horrible. It is NOT a healthy mental/emotional situation for women. Period. To be put into a position where they have to compete for love and attention while also putting up with the mood swings of 2 or 3 other women is just icky in my opinion. And as for dealing with PILES and PILES of other people's kids 24 hours a day? Somebody shoot me first, thanks.

But the fact is, our limited resources should be used first and foremost to protect children in immediate danger of being raped by gross old men, and NOT bugging a reasonably healthy family that simply lives differently than we do.

{Kort's DARLING teacher from last year. Oh how we love her. And I am so sad - I was so busy with the party games and snacks... I didn't get a picture with Kort and his teacher this year! Bo to that. }

Ask Lola: Women and the Priesthood...or the lack thereof.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I have just started going back to church (we've both been inactive for 10 years) Currently he's advancing in the Priesthood. Going through this process with him is making me feel like my role as a woman in the church isn't as important as his.
During meetings with the bishop and missionaries they hardly even talk to me or have me set goals or work on anything. I feel ignored.
All the focus is on my husband.

I feel like all I'm suppose to do is provide meals and smile.

AND I HATE THAT!!!!!!

Is this normal?

This was kind of a scary question for me. It pulls away from any sort of "logical" argument I could make and forces me to rely solely on what I've felt... and quite sacredly so.

Let me start by directly answering your question.
YES. This is normal. Furthermore, you are completely entitled to these feelings because, well, you are FEELING them, and regardless of why you are feeling them, they should be honored simply because they are there. Period.

They probably aren't having you set goals or working on anything because, well, you are already doing great. ;)

Now, by way of sharing my own personal experiences of being a woman in the LDS church, let me say this: I don't think you'll ever meet a bigger feminist than me. Annie Oakley's "Anything you can do, I can do better" song doesn't even scratch the surface when it comes to my (humble...ha ha) opinions regarding my abilities vs. the abilities of all men on the planet of earth. (Scary, I know.)

But when it comes to the Priesthood, I have been blessed to receive a personal testimony that my role as a woman in this church is incredibly sacred, honored, and special. There is no station in the church that is revered more than that of "mother." And we get to be mothers. (A position I would take over having/receiving the priesthood any day of the week.) And I am also grateful to have a husband whose priesthood blesses our lives on a daily basis.

I was sort of at a loss when I tried to answer your question at first. I tried to think of logical arguments or ways of helping you see how important YOUR role is, but nothing really felt right. I went to bed that night with a prayer in my heart that Heavenly Father would show me how to convey what I feel deeply, but am struggling to express.

The next morning, a dear friend of mine published a blog where she had interviewed a photographer she admired:

"Tell me about the moment you knew you were not going to ever be able to go through life without shooting." Was one of her questions.

This was the photographer's response: "My neighbor was expecting a baby that had been diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder and the baby was not expected to live long after birth. They asked me to be at the hospital with them after his birth and take pictures of his short life. That experience changed me as a photographer and as a human being. At baby Paul’s funeral, the pastor spoke about Paul’s short life affecting the lives of many, and I remember being overwhelmed with the realization that it had forever changed mine."

She then directed readers to this link. (Go ahead, go there. We'll chat afterward.)

WOW, right?
This was a huge answer to my prayer for guidance.

Why?

Because it reminded me of why my role (and yours) is so important in the church.

A few years ago, I was called to be the second counselor in my ward's Relief Society Presidency. Now, being that I am EXTREMELY social in nature, this was a dream calling for me. I loved visiting new sisters every Wednesday. I loved weekly meetings. I loved planning enrichment activities, and parties, and socials. One day, very early on in my new calling, my dear friend who was 1st counselor in the RS presidency called and said that we were going to visit a sister in our ward (who I had only spoken to a few times) in the hospital. This made me nervous.

You see, she was pregnant with a little girl, and that little girl had been diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder. Trisome 18. IF they were lucky enough to have their daughter born alive, they would only have minutes and maybe hours to spend with their precious little one before she passed out of this life. It was heartbreaking.

I was nervous about visiting her because I didn't have any words. (Pretty much a first for me.) I didn't feel AT ALL equal to the task of providing this wonderful mother with the support and encouragement she needed at this time. I had no idea what I was doing.

When we got to her hospital room and settled in, we just talked. It was effortless. I was surprised to find that this sister was smiling and sweet even though she was facing the labor and delivery of a child that she would not have the privilege of raising in this lifetime. We visited WAY longer than I ever thought we would. We talked about normal, everyday things, and we even had a few good laughs. I realized very quickly that I adored this unbelievably awesome girl. Our conversation eventually shifted to the baby. The young mother explained how things were going to proceed the next day. (Induction, delivery, a medical team working like mad to get her little girl hooked up to as many life preserving machines as possible, followed by giving her a name and a blessing right there in the hospital room, and then enjoying the very limited time they had with her.) I was in awe of her strength. I couldn't believe that she could even talk in coherent sentences. Sure, she's had some time to let the diagnosis sink in and to "prepare" herself, but can you really ever prepare for something like this? (Answer: no.)

Sitting in that hospital room, and visiting, and laughing, and crying with my new friend as her little girl's heartbeat beeped rhythmically on the monitor in the background was one of the most sacred experiences of my life.

Another was when I attended the funeral.
Another was when we were privileged to provide food for the family after the funeral services.
Another was when I realized that I had become friends with an incredible person whose friendship I still cherish to this day.

My point is, we are sisters. We are sensitive, and intuitive, and smart. We know innately how to lift the hands that hang down and bring joy to a heart filled with sorrow. Plus, we can "mourn with those who mourn" like nobody's business. Case in point, I have spent the last 20 minutes bawling in my bed for the loss of the sweet family in that video. I also cried myself to sleep the night that the little Idaho girl who drowned in the canal passed away. I've never met either of those families, nor can I fully comprehend their loss, but somehow, their pain is my pain. This is no small thing.

In closing, (so much for my "few short paragraphs" huh?) I just want to say. I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU! Getting involved in the church after 10 years of inactivity is also NO SMALL THING and I applaud you for it. Mostly, I am excited for the Relief Society as a whole. It will be one person stronger, one person better for having you in it. Thank you for being so honest! It's refreshing and pretty much just completely awesome.

As I said at the beginning, an understanding of your value in the church cannot be explained, it has to be felt. And you will have PLENTY of opportunities to feel it in the future (I'm sure). But for right now, if you still have any doubt, I would highly recommend that you ask for yourself. Your Heavenly Father loves you with a love that is beyond comprehension. Your worth is infinite in his sight and there is not a hair on your head that He has not accounted for, and He will tell you so, if you let Him.

Ask Lola Answers: Infertility, governor, husbandses, and the like.

Anonymous said...

How did you deal with the "longing" and emotions of infertility before your sweet angel #2? You've probably talked about it on here, but I am only a sometimes blogger and probably missed it.

How did I deal? Um, not well, I'm sad to say! But I don't know that anyone ever does. I think one of the best things I did was write about what I was feeling on this blog. I know that a lot of people hole up, shut everyone out, and suffer alone, but, while I totally respect their right to do so, that type of method never made any sense to me. Certainly doesn't fit my personality anyway (surprise, surprise!) When you are longing for a sweet little spirit to join your family, there is really very little you can do to ease the pain. It is horrible. I tried to avoid people who said "I hate being pregnant!" or "You are so lucky you just have ONE!" and created a core support group of friends and loved ones who "got it." I also vented in a less then gracious tone right here on this blog, and you what? People I didn't even know (and many who I did) wrote back and let me know that I wasn't alone. And that definitely helped. I also (about 2 years in) got to a breaking point where I absolutely had to "Let go and let God" (well, that or go completely insane) and so I did. And WOW, what a relief. The pain didn't go away, but it lessened considerably, and I only had to remind myself of what I already knew. And that was: God loves me. He has a plan for me. He doesn't like to see me suffer, but like any good parent, is willing to step back for awhile and let me grow stronger through adversity.

Anonymous said...

I asked this before, but didn't get an answer. My friend's husband is SO ANNOYING! He thinks he's funny, but he's not, and he talks so loud over everyone. We don't invite them to go out anymore because he is miserable to be around, and the wost part is, she thinks he is just great!

Do I tell her how I feel, or just keep it to myself?

This one is easy. Do you value the friendship? If you value your friendship, don't say a single WORD about your dislike for her husband! I think that my husband is the greatest thing since sliced bread. He is officially the one and only friend that truly matters above all others. I made that decision the day that I married him. That's not to say that I don't have friends that I ADORE. I have the kind of friends that I would throw myself in front of a speeding bus for (though I can't reasonably give you a scenario in which this particular action would be necessary...not right off-hand, anyway). But I don't think even ONE of those friendships would survive if she berated my husband right to my face (or behind my back, for that matter).

I'm sure my hub has some flaws... He's human, he must. But I personally would be at a loss to tell you what they are, and I probably wouldn't believe you if you took it upon yourself to tell me! I would just think you were crazy... and mean... and you would quickly find that I was not returning your calls or inviting you to the movies, or sushi, or what have you. Because the bad things you said about my husband would be ringing in my ears every time I saw you, and that's something that no wife who loves her husband would want to deal with.

You SHOULD cut him out of the picture, however. Go on "girl's nights" with your friend, and politely decline when asked to go out a couples. I have a lot of great friends who have husbands (who I"m sure are truly wonderful) who I don't even know! So, definitely avoid him, but don't come clean about your true feelings. No good would come of it. Oh, and in the event that your answer to my initial question was "No, I don't value the friendship at all, whatsoever." Then by all means, let it rip! (And DO let me know how it goes ;)

Anonymous said...

How did you meet your hubby? How did you know he was, you know, "The One"?

Ha ha! The short answer is: He was break dancing (you know, sinning on his head and doing windmills and stuff?) in the hall of flags at UVU. I walked by, rolled my eyes and thought "What a bunch of delinquent, ridiculous show offs." Then my roommate stopped and started talking to his roommate (they knew each other from high school) and she gave them our apartment info and they started coming by. I was busy dating an emotionally abusive bum-hole jerk guy at the time, so I wasn't "looking" for a special someone at the moment, so we just became friends. About a week after hanging out with my new friend, I permanently ditched the jerk, and started hanging out with my new friend all the time. I don't know exactly how I knew, but after that first week, I wrote in my journal that I thought I would marry him. Pretty crazy.

But I don't think I knew he was "The One" until we got engaged, I called off the engagement, and he decided he didn't want to see me anymore. I had never been in love before. In fact, I had never even come CLOSE. I don't even think I really liked guys... ever. So how could I know if what I was feeling for Kyle was really love? Well, two LONG and "Kyle-free" weeks later, I had lost 18 pounds, flunked out of half of my classes, and was fairly certain that I was well on my way to actually dying of a broken heart. ...So, I took a wild guess and came to the conclusion that all of this must mean that I loved him. I tried to date, but pretty much hated everyone for not being Kyle. (Yeah, um, sorry about that, guys, it was pretty much super rude of me to try to move on at your expense, but I didn't know any better at the time.)

One day, Kyle showed up on my doorstep out of the blue, and I didn't even say anything. I just hugged him and started bawling. Then he took me to the Olive Garden (awesome, I know). Then we were inseparable. Then we got married.

Anonymous said...

Who do you want to be Utah's next governor?

Ugh! Politics. I DID say that anything goes, so here is my answer:

I am not a Republican. I am not a Democrat. I think both parties are hopelessly corrupted, flawed, and in desperate need of some good, old fashioned integrity. (Ha ha - I'm both funny AND delusional - go me!) That being said, I will admit that my political views tend to lean toward those of the republican party much of the time. (Pro-life, less government, more "Of the people*by the people*for the people ...and such)

In regard to the race for governor, all I have to say is this:
Peter Corroon is sort of a moron... (harsh, I know, but true.)

I think my feelings would best be summed up in a letter.
A Lola Letter, if you will.

Dear Pete,
(Can I call you Pete?)
A little advice.
The next time you run for governor, I would recommend spending more time showing people what you have to offer as Utah's next governor and less time slandering your opponent. I would recommend this for four reasons:

1. When you spend all of your time talking crap about other people, it tends to send the message that you, yourself don't have anything to offer. You therefore have to divert attention away from your own ineptitude by slinging mud (really skewed, dirty mud) at your opponent. This does not bode well for you.

2. When you spend all of your time talking crap about other people, you tend to remind everyone (democrats, republicans, liberals, you name 'em) of that bum-hole-ish jerk from high school who spread rumors about them that weren't true. And nobody likes that bum-hole-ish jerk from high school who spread rumors about them that weren't true.

3. When you spend all of your time talking crap about other people, namely, your opponent, Gary Herbert, and your opponent DOESN'T RETALIATE by talking crap about you, it makes your opponent look like he is WWJD-ing it up like nobody's business. So, not only have you become the bum-hole-ish jerk from high school, you have also managed to (quite miraculously, in my opinion) make another politician look like Jesus...or at least someone who exemplifies him by turning the other cheek. What a favor you have done him!

4. When I am trying to get my morning Regis and Kelly on, and I have had to watch your ridiculous, condescending, slanderous commercial at least twenty times before Regis has mispronounced the name of his third celebrity guest and/or called Kelly "Kathie-lee" for the tenth time, I am ready to throttle you. If you're such a huge proponent of "more funding for education", why don't you put your money where your mouth is, take the millions of dollars you're spending to slander someone else, and give it to the poor little children of Utah that you're so generously exploiting in your commercials? How's that for an idea? You can thank me later.

Much Love,
Lola

(Hey, you asked...)

Ask Lola. (It's baaaaack!)

{No, he doesn't have anything to do with this post... but he sure is nummy!}

Remember when we played "Ask Lola"?

...And remember how I got asked a sex question that made me write a twenty page answer?
That was awesome. (Sort of).

...Well, I didn't answer a bunch of the other questions that were asked cause my "relationship" post was taking too long! (Sorry about that.)

...Then I couldn't answer any of my "Formspring" questions because I lost my password and couldn't get into my own account! ha ha! (Yeah, I'm super ditsy like that.)

But now I want to answer more questions!

My new rule (for me)?
I have to keep answers to a few short paragraphs.
No more gigantic orations for Lola!

The old rules?
1. You must ask anonymously.
2. Anything goes (but I reserve the right to ignore you if you ask something bum-hole-ish. I'm just saying...)
3. If I didn't answer your question last time, re-ask it and I promise I will get to it this time!
4. You can ask questions in the comments section, OR you can ask via my handy-dandy "formspring" thing at the top-right hand side of this blog. (I have the password this time - and I won't forget it! At least I think I won't...)

So start asking!

*There is absolutely NOTHING that qualifies me to answer questions or give advice... but doesn't that make it so much more fun?

Here were the questions left on my Formspring from EIGHT MONTHS ago when I lost the password and couldn't get into my account to read them...until now. (Again, sorry about that.)

when it comes to finances, is it better to spend the money on vacations and such to make the life long memories or to horde and not do much or go out much until you can afford it?

Disclaimer: This is an answer coming from a girl who drives a pedophile van because she would rather have financial freedom (translation: regular sushi nights out with the girls) than a car payment.

Absolutely better to spend it doing things that you love. That's not to say that you should spend ALL of your money and live dangerously close to losing your home at any moment, of course. There is a balance. But the real question we should be asking ourselves is:

Who says that I am guaranteed the privilege of being here tomorrow (and the next day and the day after that?).

Answer: No one says that. Because there are no guarantees. We have today. That's it. So yeah, I'm all about the Carpe Diem when it comes to money. (Smart, reasonable Carpe Diem, but Carpe Diem nonetheless. Wait, did I just oxymoronize the term Carpe Diem? Yep. And I'm not even sorry.)

Where do I find the answers to the questions you get asked?

Right here onThe Lola Letters blog! (Did I just link to myself on my own blog? Yep. That jeeeeust happened. Totally did.)

WooHoo! I'm glad you got a formspring. I've loved participating in these things. I've read your blog for awhile, and I want to know how you stay SO skinny??! Are you an exerciser??

Yay! Thank you for calling me skinny! Sure, you did it BEFORE I was swollen and pregnant, and BEFORE I was all sorts of postpartum and such, but I will TAKE IT!

Sadly, (and annoyingly) no. I am not an exerciser. I am one of those really obnoxious people who has skinny grandparents, and skinny parents, and pretty much just hyper, skinny little genes that say "burn baby burn" to my metabolism at all hours of the day making it possible for me to eat pizza, cheeseburgers, and Milky Way Minis to my heart's content. I HAVE dieted and exercised in the past (Why? Because I am crazy.) and it pretty much just messed me up and gave me food issues. (If I tell myself, "You can't have THAT." I immediately feel deprived and start obsessing about having THAT to the point where I am miserable and it's all that I can think about. So, I've found that Intuitive Eating is the only healthy way for me to approach food.)

So, I stay reasonably small with reasonably no effort on my part. If it makes you feel any better though... I have freckles. And when I get pregnant, I get huge pigmented spots on my face (aka pregnancy mask) as a result of those freckles...and that kinda stinks. Also, I was depressed in high school (because I sort of really hated it for the most part...all the time) and so I was pretty chubby. (Hey, even skinny genes can't fight off a classic and powerful case of bitterness and low self-esteem!)

What is one beauty product you can't live without?

Hmmmm. Tough one.

Photoshop?

No seriously, I think the thing that has done the absolute MOST to make me beautiful, is finding a husband that truly thinks that I am. (Even in my bathrobe with messy hair and 2 day old mascara.) That just does a girl good, inside and out.

I know, I know, we shouldn't "need" a man to make us feel beautiful or "complete" or whatever. But, I would be lying if I tried to tell you that anything in my life has been more impactful (not a real word) than his love for me... so there it is, in all of it's blechy goodness.

See? I can follow through!
I can keep it to short paragraphs!
So ask me some more!
It will be fun!

Ask Lola. Bad news from the marriage counselor.

Anonymous said...

My marriage has never been easy and I recently received...let’s call it bad reviews from my bishop and marriage counselor on my husband’s attitude, behavior, and ability to change to better the marriage. In the past years I feel I have lost myself, who I am, and been consumed by "raising" my husband and taking care of almost every responsibility in our marriage. How can I keep hold of who I am?

***

Okay, so this is a tough one. Eeesh! I can really ONLY tell you what I would do based on my limited understanding of your entire situation…I can only say what I (think I) would do if I found myself in your shoes… so here goes!

First, if your marriage counselor is saying “Wow, I don’t think he’s on board with the whole ‘let’s do everything we can to build a wonderful life together’ thing.” I would take that pretty seriously. Marriage counselors (from what little I know or understand about them) are there to do everything they can to help your marriage succeed, but they have to have two willing participants. If your counselor is admitting that he/she sees little hope, then that should be something to consider. I don't think they take giving that sort of a "report" lightly.

Second, do you have kids? I know that some people don’t think it should make a difference, but for me personally, it would. If I had no children and received that type of “report” from my marriage counselor, I would probably tell my husband (once and for all) that we needed to make drastic changes, or we needed to start divorce proceedings. And then I would follow through. Life is just too short to waste another second of it giving “your all” to someone who has decided that he’s perfectly content to make you to struggle, and beg, and crawl on hands and knees ALL the way over to his side of the field (where he’s decided to smugly plant himself) instead of meeting you somewhere in the middle like MOST spouses do. (I mean, it’s only fair to ask him to meet you halfway, right?)

Your situation will only get harder with children. Like, by a lot. If he doesn’t make you feel special and supported NOW, just add crazy hormones, illness, sleep deprivation, and more mental and emotional stress (and yes, joy…oh the beautiful baby joy…) than you ever thought you were capable of experiencing (or surviving) and see how quickly what’s left of your marriage disintegrates.

Sure, maybe once in every blue moon a crummy husband is suddenly transformed into a better husband and father when his first child arrives, but that is a way bigger gamble than I would ever want to make. There’s also a pretty awesome chance that he’ll just be an even bigger turd…and then you’ll officially be tied to that turd for the rest of your life (which is okay too – I have lots of great friends who make this work, and they would NEVER EVER trade their kids for anything – in fact, they’d go through that trying, heartbreaking, ugly relationship all over again just to bring those sweet, perfect little spirits into their lives, (and, having met their darling children, I can’t say I’d blame them).

But, you know, since you will love your children no matter who the father is…you might as well choose to create them with someone who will be a proactive and supportive and positive (and any other lovely “-ive” you can dream up) father and husband. Don’t waste the pretty. And if you’re anything like me, or thousands of other women out there, you also want to make sure you’re not wasting the good ovaries! Those may “go” well before “the pretty” and you will have wasted your best, most fertile years with someone you couldn’t trust to be the father of your unborn children. Boo.

Life is just too short. I’d rather be with a cheater who is sorry and dedicated to making my marriage work than with a husband who has decided to be an immature, self-centered turd with no end in sight. And that’s saying a lot since I would actually kick men that fit either of those “categories” straight to the curb… but if I HAD to choose one, (you know, cause there was a gun to my head or something) I would pick the guy who is willing to TRY any day of the week. I don’t know your husband, or the extent of how bad it is (or isn’t)… so I really can’t tell you WHAT to do…only what I would do. I WOULD RUN if my husband said (through his actions or otherwise) “I don’t love you enough to try to be the man that you need me to be.” I wouldn’t even think twice and here’s why: There are thousands of great guys out there who WOULD love me enough to want to make me happy. And then I would be so happy that I would really, really want to make him happy. And we would spend the rest of our lives making each other really, really happy. And that would be so great. And you deserve to have that!

But since I don’t know your hubs, you are the only one who can ever know when it’s time to throw in the towel. It’s a big decision and a lot of responsibility, but it’s yours and yours alone. No one can lift it from your shoulders. (Even though I’m sure there are a lot of people who love you and wish that they could.)

Third, you DO have kids? Then try, try, try, (like 3 times harder than I would suggest you try if you were childless) and if he still decides that none of you are worth working for…then I would still peace out. There are so many amazing guys out there waiting to love a good woman, and her flipping cute kids, and their yappy dog, and their smelly hamster, and…trust that. Have faith in that. It’s really true. And even if it wasn’t, I would rather live by myself, free to create the life of my dreams and try every new thing I've ever wanted to try, than with someone who held me back, and made me sort of miserable, and was a bad father/example to my children. (That’s just me though…)

Fourth, if you have no intention of leaving him, and you just want to know how to “keep from losing yourself” here are my suggestions:
(Should we switch to letters for some variety? Yes, let’s!)

A. Forget everything I said in the above 3 items, and refer to them only when you’ve decided that you’ve officially had enough.

B. Nurture relationships with good friends. A good girlfriend (or a whole gaggle of them) can be the most amazing, healing, uplifting support system in a woman’s life. Don’t sit home with someone who isn’t interested in growing a relationship with you, get out! Go to dinner. Go bowling. Go to someone’s house and watch “Beaches” and eat chocolate and popcorn and have yourself a really good cry. Good girlfriends are key. So go get some, and spend more time with them.

C. Pursue your talents. Or something you’ve always wanted to try (even if you might stink at it). I took up painting (yes, painting, like with a canvas, and easel, and the whole sha-bang) when the hubs and I lived in Hawaii, (yes, just so darn inspired by the loveliness of the ocean outside my window…) and I was absolutely no good. (Okay, even that is still probably being too nice.) But man, did I love it. I still love it. Painting (and creating pretty much anything, really) is relaxing, and inspiring, and just an amazing outlet. “Art Therapy” is called that for a reason. It really is therapeutic! But I’m not just talking about art. Take piano or voice lessons. Start an acting class. Take a community photography class. Or karate. Or gymnastics. Or bicycling. Or hiking. You may never be an Olympian, but there is a lot of power and joy in trying something that you’ve always wanted to try. It’s never too late. Start a blog. Write a book. I don’t know, become a birdwatcher! The sky is the limit.

D. Go back to school. In the event that this relationship continues to “not work” there is comfort in knowing that you are building a future for YOURSELF (that may or may not include him). You will also garner a network of friends and associates who inspire you, support you, and will distract you from the parts of your life that are currently lacking.

In closing, I want to really stress that I don’t take marriage lightly. Not at all. Not even close. I think that it is the most sacred covenant that two people will ever make in their lives, and it shouldn’t be thrown away at the first sign of struggle or disagreement.

It is no light thing that I am saying that I would leave a husband who refused to work on our relationship, but that assertion goes right along with how deeply I feel about the marriage covenant. When you take those vows, you swear to honor the other person, and to commit your very life to that person. You vow to put their needs BEFORE your own (and they vow to do the same). You vow to love them and cherish them, and if one of the members in the relationship decides to cast aside all of the promises he or she made in that covenant, then, in my opinion (which REALLY is just my opinion) there is no more covenant.

A covenant is a promise, and when it is broken, it is no longer a promise...and therefore no longer a covenant. Yes, you can mend broken promises (and you absolutely should if you can). But if the commitment to “working on it” or "mending what is broken" is no longer there, then neither is that covenant…and I’m all about the covenant.

Nurture relationships with great friends (or find some good friends, and then nurture those relationships), take a leap and do the things you’ve always wanted to do…even if you think you can’t, and don’t waste the pretty (or awesome ovaries, as the case may be) on someone who is happy to live the rest of his life in a pointless, and continued state of “Me, me, me, me, me!” and “Covenant Shmovenant!”

Marriage is one of life's GREATEST opportunities for growth, and if your spouse refuses to grow, it can often drastically hinder your growth as a by-product, and I think that is in in direct contrast to the POINT of being married.

For me, marriage is about believing in and supporting the other person even (and especially) when no one else will. It's about becoming a dream team that enables its (two) members to become the best people they can be. It's about having an eternal, unbreakable support system through which life, and all of its trials and intricacies, may be better endured, and even conquered in the end.

That (for me) is the point, and for one of the members of a sacred union to turn it into the greatest trial (rather than the greatest joy) of their significant other's life...well then, that is just WRONG to the umpteenth degree.

I'm not saying that there isn't hope. People can change. People can grow. I still learn/find that I am wrong, or have flawed thinking, or behave crappily on a WEEKLY basis. And I have to admit it, and then work to correct it. It's what all of us have to do if we desire to build a future that is better than our past.

If we can't (or won't) change, and grow, and fix things, then what's the point of even being here?

As for whether or not your hubs is capable of drastically changing (you know, in time to NOT have wasted MOST of the good years of your lives) that's for you (and only you) to decide, and I wish you ALL the very, very best.

Ask Lola.

Anonymous said...
Am I the only woman out there in my 20's that has little to no sex drive? I know intimacy in a marriage is so important, so...we do IT :) BUT...I could do without, am I crazy? Should I see a Dr.?

Anonymous said...
I really love the depth of some of these questions. It is nice to know I'm not the only one who could "go with out". I have no questions to add but I am interested in your answers.
March 11, 2010 7:49 PM

Anonymous said...
I could live the rest of my life without sex! sorry!

Anonymous said...
I am also with anon #1. There is a web-site called decreasedsexualdesire.com that has some information that might be helpful...I'm also glad that I am not the only one in my 20's that could really "do without"!

Anonymous said...
I'm with anonymous #1. I could do without. My questions are: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? And if you ruled the world, would everyone get free cupcakes? ;)

I am so sorry that this post has been soooo long in coming! Go ahead and scroll down and you will see why. Sheesh! So, you asked for it, here we GO!

HUGE DISCLAIMER #1: THIS MAY VERY WELL BE A MEDICAL ISSUE and I do not (in any way) want to give someone a huge list of “things they can try and do to improve their sex life” only to make them feel like a failure/big ole heap of bad-wifey-garbage over something that is NOT WITHIN THEIR CONTROL! I think that is one of the worst things we women do to one another. If there is a medical issue (depression, high levels of stress, severe hormonal imbalance, etc.) it needs to be addressed medically (and NOT Lolally). I think a visit to your doctor and a candid discussion about what you’re thinking/feeling/going through is always a good idea. If you feel this may be a medical issue, OR if you have been sexually abused, don't you dare read this post! It's not for you! Go here instead.


HUGE DISCLAIMER #2: The assertions made in this post DO NOT extend to cover the following: 1- Abusive jerks (physical, emotional or otherwise.) 2- Men who show NO INTEREST in nurturing a healthy spousal relationship. 3 – Men who are lying, cheating sociopaths and are unable to love and respect anyone other than themselves and their own selfish desires. The men who I am talking about (and championing) in this post are good men. Your relationship may be rocky for reasons that both of you are accountable for, or your relationships may be great, or average, or somewhere in between. But, if you are married to a good guy who is loyal to you and your family (despite the fact that there may be current turmoil or “disconnect”) keep reading! I have a lot to say to you. If you are married to someone in the categories of 1-3, RUN! Head for the hills! Find a great guy, and THEN come read this post that is all about lovin’ the good ones!

HUGE DISCLAIMER #3: Dear anonymous #1, good question! Look how many women you TOTALLY helped by letting them know that they are not alone! The WHOLE first part of this is not technically "for" you and certainly not an attack on you. I want to make that crystal clear. I wrote the entire first part to give everyone a little shift in perspective and sort of lay the ground work to answer your question (which is boldly labeled PART III waaaay down in the post!) So don’t feel attacked. I simply wanted to share a perspective that has really changed the way I look at my marital relationship, and that I hope will change how other women view theirs as well.

It’s something I’ve been meaning to address for quite some time, and it’s a fairly relevant “lead in” to your wonderful question! (And, if I’m being honest, MOSTLY aimed at the crazy, husband-bashing chicken heads that make up my Baby Center “August Babies 2010” birth group.) I know by the very tone and nature of your question that you are a wonderful person and wife who just wants to live her best life possible – and I think that’s awesome! That goes for pretty much all of my readers! Since “Sex Posts” aren’t really going to be my regular gig around here, I just wanted to address some of the ungrateful, husband-bashing crazies I have encountered as well. You know, and get it all covered in one big ol’ post! So take some and leave some, and feel free to rip my head off in the comments section if something strikes a nerve ;)!

HUGE APOLOGY #1: Upon further inspection of this incredibly lengthy blog, I thought it appropriate to apologize ahead of time, because I think this is not so much a “blog post” as it is a lengthy chapter from my first self-help book titled: “Housewife on Fire: The Mad Ramblings of a Staunch Anti-Feminist living in a Modern World.” A book that is sure to be loved and hated (and will probably never see the light of day lest I decide to self-publish, which, if I’m being honest, will be a cold, cold day in hell.) I think the writing of this post has taught me that I am a staunch "husbandist" rather than anything remotely resembling a feminist! Ha ha! So if you're hoping I'll play the "we refuse to be oppressed women and just have sex with you because it makes you happy!" card, you may want to go read a different blog... one about kittens, and rainbows, and butterflies, and women who hate their husbands and can justify their misery articulately, and, you know, other happy-ish things (although I personally think that good sex can be a SUPER happy-ish thing).

So, it’s LONG folks! and at the end of it, some of you will probably want to yell at me and egg my house, yet, if this bothers you that much, there's clearly some truth to what I'm saying -which then bugs you - right? I suspect your husbands will want to hug me and send me flowers and chocolates – and guys, I’m just stating for the record right now that that would be totally inappropriate. You can simply thank me via “anonymous” comment at the bottom of this post.


Now, this first part may not apply to some of you at all, but read it for some perspective and there will (hopefully) be some useful suggestions for you within as well!

as for the rest of you… (deep breath) here we go!

I think the most important thing we can do to change our sex lives for the better is simply to get some SERIOUS perspective and change our attitudes. It really IS that simple! If you could come to a deeper understanding of just how much having a genuine, involved, and regularly intimate relationship with his wife means to the average man, I think it would change everything.

Part I: For women who may need a little...perspective

For many women, sex is: Yawn….hmmmm?....oh again? We just had sex 2 weeks ago.... Meh, I’d rather spend the next ten minutes blogging, doing the dishes, or staring blankly at the wall, but fine, okay.

For men, sex is: almost as necessary as breathing.

And no, I am SO not buying into the whole “they physically NEED it or they will have a ‘medical problem’” idea. I once toured a lovely monastery nestled in the Heber Mountains while on an 8th grade field trip. This monastery was full of MONKS and these monks had vowed to be celibate in um, every way, for the rest of their mortal existence, and wouldn’t you know it? Lo and behold, as I wandered through their lovely abode, I found that not one (NOT ONE!) of those monks had turned an abnormal shade of blue NOR had anyone dropped dead at the altar, in the herb gardens, or any other place on the property due to the obvious lack of well…you know.

They were wonderfully distinguished men who sang and had devotionals and prayer 5 times a day, tilled gardens, studied the word of God, and even kept bees and made their own honey. Their own honey. How cool is that? I bought a delicious case of cinnamon honey there that I still find myself crying out for in the middle of the night. (And then the hubs is like, “Who is this ‘honey monk’ guy you’re moaning and groaning about?” and things are little awkward there for a bit…) I want to be a monk so bad sometimes. Monks are unreasonably cool. But I digress. What I’m saying is: They had full lives according to the lifestyle they had chosen. No one was dead (or even sad, for that matter). But your husband didn’t sign up to be a monk. Why? Most likely because he preferred a life full of happiness (and yes, lots of sex) with you! (And you should be flattered, because if I was a dude? Nu-uh, no crazy, high maintenance chica for me! (And yes, I can call us crazy chicas because I, Lola, happen to BE ONE in case you haven't noticed!) I would have opted for peace, quiet, prayer, meditation, herb gardens, and a lifetime supply of cinnamon honey...I'm just sayin...)

So, as far as reducing men to pathetic, physically needy sex nuts – I refuse to do it. They have FAR more dignity than that. But they DO want to connect with you, to pleasure you, to live out the DREAM of being wanted, and craved, and NEEDED by YOU. Why? Because they LOVE you and want you – and isn’t that WONDERFUL? I cannot even begin to tell you how thrilled (and grateful) I am that I am married to a man who wanted to commit his entire life to ME! (Me! Fancy that. Why me? I’m seriously not that great – and yet, he thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. I have him totally fooled.) It’s fantastic!

This is a very good point to ponder:HE CHOSE YOU!
(Wait...wait...ponder it...pond-e-r- it.... good. Moving on.)

Instead of living “the George Clooney or Colin Farrell single life” which is chalk full of the dreamy possibilities of one night stands, girlfriends who will keep the fantasy alive (and who they can easily kick to the curb when they don’t) and guilt free, “John Mayer style” Porn addiction that leaves them surfing the web all the live long day in search of just the right image to do the trick (ew, ew, and triple ew!). Instead of all of that, he decided he wants to build a life with you! YOU! (Yes you, because you are just that hot, and smart, and funny and deep and generally wonderful in every way.) He met you, and got to know you, and after awhile THIS (or a version very similar to it) is what he said to himself:

“Who needs dozens of promiscuous/low self esteem women, the ability to make and blow money on whatever I want, the right to shower less than once a week, and the freedom to play Xbox Live with all of my college buddies for 24 (or more) hours straight, when I can build a life with the girl of my dreams?”

Yep. That’s (more or less) totally what he said.

And do you want to know why he said that to himself?

95% of the reason is because he thought you were an amazing person (and he was so right on about that – right?) and because he was super attracted to you (obviously) and he thought that you’d be an awesome mom (if children are something you both agreed that you wanted) and the list goes on and on…

and 5% is because (get ready for this one) he thought that you would ALWAYS want him as much as you made him THINK you wanted him in the days leading up to your engagement!

(Yeah, I’m talking to you. Don’t think I don’t know about the late night make-out sessions where your luscious lips and various levels of hungry physical contact MORE than assured him that you were going to rock his world in the bedroom for years to come. There’s no fooling Lola. I know your tricks. I’m not accusing you of anything insanely dirty, I’m just saying – the “pre-marriage” vibe has A LOT to do with why your husband was so excited/willing to take those vows.) He thought “Man, this chick digs me, and I totally dig her, and we are going to embark on a wonderful lifetime sprinkled with passion and chemistry!” (Ha! Little did he know…)

It was that relationship, (the hot, passionate, make-y out-y one) and that deep physical/spiritual connection with you that made him… (perk up now, I know I’m wordy, but this part is crucially important) COMMIT HIS LIFE TO ONE WOMAN AND ONE WOMAN ONLY. This is a huge deal.

Why? Because it means he is trusting you and only you to fulfill his needs (which are admittedly totally different from yours but this does not make them LESS VALID whatsoever).

LET'S TALK ABOUT NEEDS, SHALL WE?
YOU need (or simply want) someone who will support you (financially and emotionally)
YOU need someone to listen.
YOU need someone to serve you, show they care, and love and WANT to spend time with you and your children.
YOU need someone you can confide in and trust.
YOU need someone who won’t embarrass you in public or alienate you from your family and friends. Someone supportive of your social life and your desire NOT to look like you married an idiot… know, things like that.

And, if your husbands are anything like my husband – he fills all of these needs on a daily basis, plus a few extras that you may (or may not) take totally for granted. Now, on to what he needs:

HE NEEDS your companionship, to feel like a successful provider, to be appreciated for his hard work, and many things similar (or identical) to what is listed above.
AND HE NEEDS sex. Not just any sex. “My wife loves me, and WANTS me, and needs me to make her day by having sex with her" sex. Yup. That kind. The kind where you get dressed up (or stripped down), pull him into the bedroom, and – yeah. The kind where he isn’t reduced to begging like a lost puppy (oh the degradation…) for something that you should WANT to give to him because you love him so much, you can’t even stand it.

HUGE HALT IN THIS CONVERSATION. I CAN ALREADY HEAR SOME (not all) OF YOU SCREAMING AT YOUR LAPTOP SCREENS. CALM DOWN. THIS IS GOING TO BE THE WORLD’S LONGEST POST, BUT I WILL GET TO YOU. (and yes, I HAVE had this said to me before) LET’S START WITH:

What? So I should HAVE to have sex with him because he “gave up” unlimited amounts of promiscuous sex and crap-loads of personal, nag-free freedom all to be with me?! (This is said in a very angry, accusatory tone, in case you couldn’t tell.)

Yep. But if you are saying “HAVE to” then I’m fairly certain you are missing the point and really need to read the second and third parts of this blog (as well as the rest of the first). Next question.

You just don’t understand! My husband is NOT like that! He does NOT fulfill all of my needs, so why should I have to go out of my way to full HIS?! ESPECIALLY when I don’t even FEEL like it? Gah!

(I’m so glad you asked)

Has someone being a turd-y selfish jerk to you ever made you want to do something wonderful for them? (Being that Gandhi and our dear Mother Theresa have both gone the way of all the earth, I feel fairly confident that most of my readers, and most inhabitants of our planet, will be answering NO.)

Why not?

Yeah. Exactly. It makes you mad, or hurt, or resentful. And most of us live our lives in a re-active manner (even though we should strive to rise above allowing the actions of others determine our personal conduct…we are usually humans who get mad and want to get even – present company/ blog-writer totally included/guilty.) We are often mirrors reflecting back whatever comes our way.

If your husband comes home self absorbed, and moody one evening, it takes you about 3.2 nanoseconds to shift your mood to mirror his. The problem is, this can create a vicious cycle and if you’re not willing to deny pride (which is 100% your enemy in this, and nearly EVERY situation in life) and move out of petty attitude-reflections and into the healing mode of unconditional love and acceptance, your relationship will never change. You have absolutely ZERO power to change ANYONE or ANYTHING outside of yourself, and yet, you have infinite power to change yourself (and the world around you) via your attitude.

A little walk in HIS shoes:

Think of something that means the very MOST to you. The thing that makes you feel loved, and wanted, and balanced, and happy.

Now imagine that your husband is the only person who can give it to you.

Now imagine, that he simply WILL NOT give it to you (even though he knows how much it would mean to you) more than once every two weeks(…if that!) no matter what. He won't listen to you when you need to talk. Won't take the trash out. Won't help with the kids. Won't take you on a date even though you could REALLY use some downtime. He just won’t do it. Not more than once every two weeks anyway...

And it’s hard to put yourself out there and ask, because chances are he’ll deny you, and this denial feels not just like he’s withholding a gift, but also like he is rejecting you personally, and this will all but crush you, and so you just wait…and hope…and wait…and pray that he’ll want to give it to you sooner…but the weeks just drag on with no change.

Now add to that the fact that he now places conditions on giving it to you (even though we all know that he should love you enough to want you to be happy and should therefore freaking GIVE IT TO YOU ALREADY !!!!) And let’s say that those conditions were: The house must be and remain immaculate. You must always be in the mood to help and serve. You must be able to read his mind and know what his needs are and fill them without him even asking for it. You are not allowed to be human, or moody, or EVER have hard days. The children need to be kept happy and well groomed at all times…and then maybe, just MAYBE he’ll consider giving you your gift…but only once every two weeks. And he’s also only going to do it grudgingly.

He sounds like an abusive jerk, that one! How dare he “withhold” the most basic needs for your happiness?

Can you smell what I’m steppin’ in? Yeah, just reverse that scenario, fill SEX in the blanks, and you have an example of how 90% of households run in America. (Okay, maybe not 90%, but hey, you asked “Lola” not “Down to earth, boring, ‘I actually meticulously research statics’ *said in a very nasally voice*' girl.” I don’t know her blog address, but I’m pretty sure it’s BOR-ING!)

With the amazing, continued influence of feminism, we’ve somehow convinced ourselves that men should deny women NOTHING. That when we say jump, the ONLY acceptable answer is “How high?” and when it comes to sex (or ANY of THEIR needs for that matter), well hey, we are liberated, intelligent women, NOT pathetic sex slaves to be lusted after!

Well guess what? It’s not degrading to be intimate with the person who dedicated his life (and committed to give complete fidelity) to you. It’s degrading to do it for money OR with someone who clearly doesn’t respect you (and there are certainly husbands that fit this category), but if we’re talking about the kind of guy that I’M talking about – well then, that guy deserves a little more consideration.

A second little walk in HIS shoes:
Have you ever gotten all prettied-up, done a bunch of wonderful things for your hubs all day (praying that it would get him in the mood) and tried to pull him into bed only to have him say:
"Not tonight, I am so tired, and so stressed, and I have a headache, or I'd rather play XBox and unwind..."

If you answered YES, and this has happened more than once, you give me your address RIGHT now and I will come slap him upside the head FOR you! However, I suspect that most of you are saying...

1. "I've never done that so I wouldn't know. "
OR
2. "He would never ever, EVAHHHHH turn THAT down!" (I know, right!?)

So, in an effort to "take a little walk in his shoes" I asked myself:
"How I would feel if I made the efforts listed above (or heck, if I just snuggled up to him in bed, tickled his back and said that I wanted to get it on) and he turned me down?"

The answer is: HORRIBLE. I would feel ugly, and unwanted, and rejected on a really deep, and vulnerable level. And I would wonder what I could do to be more beautiful, and better, and more worthy of his love. I would worry about pornography. I would worry that he was having an affair. I would be haunted by the fact that he preferred blowing pretend video game character's heads off via Call of Duty or Halo 3 to having sex with his wife. It would be disturbing. I would trust him less, and I would feel MUCH less safe ever trying to instigate it again.

Then I asked myself:
"How would I feel if he turned down sex 3 or more times a week?"

The answer is: IT WOULD DESTROY ME. I would absolutely stop trying to instigate. It wouldn't change the fact that I wanted to be loved...it would just make me too emotionally paralyzed to ask for something that I desperately needed. The fear of rejection is very real, ladies. It's real, it's powerful, and it is painful, and most husbands deal with it WAY more often than is fair. (And to be fair to YOU, they deal with it way more often than you have ever realized!)

If they were women, they would gripe about it, TELL YOU about it, and make you go to therapy. But they're not women. They don't work the way we work. Instead, they suffer in silence, and do their best to love and support and grow closer to you. And yes, some of them give up, feel bitter, and maybe even stop giving you the things you need or helping around the house... but I can't say I would act any differently in their shoes. I can honestly say that I would not stay married to my husband if he turned me down on a regular basis. We would grow apart.

If a GUY divorced his wife on the basis of "not enough sex" most people (including me) would think he was a horrible person. But I'm just saying that I would probably be the same way if the hubs showed no interest in being intimate with me! It would destroy me. I don't know how much more bluntly I can put it. Destroy me. I would feel pathetic and unloved. And I don't think it's too far-fetched to think that it is destroying them too.

And do you want to know what the amazing thing is?
Most of them STILL love us enough to endure it! Crazy, right? Try to wrap your head around that kind of love... go ahead. TRY.

Then I tried this question on for size:
"How would I feel if he never instigated 'it' so I always had to, and then when we DID do 'it' I could tell he wasn't into it?"

The answer is: Really bad. And unwanted, and unloved, and pretty much all of the things I would feel if he rejected me outright, though maybe BARELY on a lesser level. (barely though). Men don't just want our submission, they want our involvement! They want us to want them as much as they want us! Is that so much to ask from your spouse? I would hope not...

So, HOPEFULLY a little perspective can help ALL of us start to think about sex differently. I know that perspective has worked wonders for me! I love my husband so much, and he gives me SO MUCH, that I am desperate to give him everything I can. And I am so grateful that the thing he wants most is me. How amazing is that!? Did you read what I just said? We might want trips to Europe, a great new bag, a night out without the kids...etc. But the thing he wants most in the world is a wife who loves him and wants him! I love husbands. Husband are the best!

Part II: For women who have totally the wrong attitude (Anonymous - this is NOT for you. The rest of you- don't get upset/offended if this sooo isn't for you either, mmmkay? But women with the wrong attitude deserve answers and attention too!) I heard a fake reader yell the following at her laptop:

"Well my husband doesn’t work hard enough, he plays too many video games, and he NEVER wants to be home with me and the kids. Why should I have to do nice things for him when he clearly sucks?! "

I need to answer this in three parts:

1. You sound a bit pissy, self-absorbed, and from what I can gather, you are a fairly huge nag. (hey, I’m just saying…did you even hear the nasty tone of the imaginary question I just pretended you asked me?) I wouldn’t want to hang out with you either. And your kids are probably neglected and unhappy, and you’re home is probably a messy, contentious, chaotic, miserable place to be. Your entire universe is a product of YOU, and it’s entirely within your control to change it, and I would recommend doing just that. No one likes to be nagged. No one likes being in a place that feels chaotic, unhappy, and most importantly: a place where they don’t feel like they are appreciated or accepted for WHO THEY ARE. (and if you can’t feel accepted and loved within the walls of your own home, especially by the one person you loved enough to commit your entire life to…then where the heck CAN you feel like that?)

And nah-nah-nah-nah –NO. Nuh-uh. Don’t you go getting all “repressed feminist” defensive on me and defiantly proclaim “We don’t need to go back to the ‘repressed… awful…evil 1950s’ where a perfect home, appearance, dinner and family was EXPECTED of all those poor women!”

I’m not saying we should go backward. I’m saying we should move forward and embrace the liberation we have in 2010, and use that freedom to make our lives beautiful if for no other reason than the fact that we want, (no, we demand!) to live beautiful lives rich with love, passion, joy, and happy homes! Yay us!

2. Stop talking crap about your husband to your friends and family and anyone else who will let you gnaw off their ear for a half an hour or so. (Except for me, of course. Totally feel free to write in and tell me ~anonymously~ about how unsatisfactory your husband is, because how else am I going to know that I need to tell you to stop doing it if you don’t write in and tell on yourself in the first place? I know, right?!) No good comes of trash talking your life partner. Plus, there is nothing nasty you can say about your husband’s behavior that won’t immediately reflect poorly on you. (And oh man, can you even IMAGINE how you’d feel if your husband ran his mouth off about you? I can imagine how well that would go over. WWIII. That’s how well.)

Do you realize that no one can respect someone who trashes their spouse? All WE are thinking is: “Well you’re the genius who married him!” (And then I take it one step further and add something like: “And he’s not too bright for marrying someone who SHOULD have his back – but clearly doesn’t.” for good measure, just because I’m extra judgmental and mean-spirited like that.) Don’t be crushed though! Don’t beat yourself up about past discretions. Today is a new day. You can TOTALLY stop doing it, like, right now! And you can sit down with him (nicely) and tell him you want things to be different from now on, and you can make a plan, and change for the better, and life can still be AMAZING for both of you! Then you can be that annoying girl who writes blogs all day about how great her hubs is, how lovely her simple life is, and how her future’s so bright, she’s gotta wear shades, and yay you!

3. …and FINALLY! (please refer to the question again if you’ve forgotten it by now) Because you guys are in a rut. That’s why. You’re in a vicious cycle of “He doesn’t, so why should I? She doesn’t, so why should I? I know, let’s just be resentful and miserable for the rest of our ever-lovin’ lives with only the comfort of knowing that we both think we’re RIGHT to keep us warm at night!” I mean, yeah, who wants to be HAPPY when you can feel (miserable and) RIGHT?

Wait, did I just hear you decide that you’d rather be happy than right? Yay! Wait, what’s that? You don’t know what to do to turn things around in your relationship? I have a simple and (I think) very practical suggestion.

Here’s what you do: Read the rest of this post (I am as wordy as the day is long, but I may have another tip or two up my sleeve…) then, clean the house, make arrangements for the kids, write him a letter (a non-naggy, non-judgmental, non-blame-y blame-y blame game letter) that says something like:

I love you. I want our relationship to be one for the history books. I want to make you as happy as you can possibly be, and I want to reach a fullness of joy as well. I want us to communicate our needs (kindly, thoughtfully, open-mindedly, non-judgmentally) all of the time so we are both always getting our needs met. I want to be your best friend. I’m sorry that in the past I have: (nagged, withheld sex, nagged some more, said unkind words, made you feel like you were failing me…allowed our home to become a freaky circus show and bacterial breeding ground rather than a sanctuary where our family is nourished a strengthened, and fill in the blank here_______) I want to start clean and I’m willing to work hard, because you mean everything to me, and our marriage is worth fighting for.
Love, (insert your name here.)

Now, put the letter in the envelope, send him a text at work saying that you can’t wait for him to get home so that you can rock his world (okay, not exactly those words, but ya know, send whatever you think he’ll like), get into something sassy, and when he walks through the door – pounce!! (and do him a HUGE favor, and don’t just “do it” – but “like it” as well- yes, they are in fact, not morons and CAN (in fact) tell when you’re not into it. So, be into it. (More on how to do that in a moment).

Then give him your heartfelt letter. Share a big hug, (and a good cry – you know, if he’s the emotional type - ) and then have a candle light conversation about all the wonderful things the two of you are going to start doing for each other to “start fresh” and make the rest of your lives unbelievably passionate, joyful, and fulfilling.

"Well why do I have to do everything? Why shouldn’t HE do all that?! "

Wow, you are one tough cookie. I sort of want to shake you and yell at you a little bit right now, but I won’t. Here’s why YOU should do all that:

1. Because he doesn’t read my blog…and you do (maybe not for long, but hey, while I have you here…) And you are more than welcome to give him my email so he can thank and thank and thank me later, by the way.
2. Because you’re the bigger person! You can do that, right? You can swallow your weird sense of pride and even more skewed/unhealthy concepts of “feminism” and “female empowerment” and begin a new journey on a path toward a life of happiness, romance, and love everlasting, right? Of course you can! (Or, you can opt to call me stupid and subservient, and decide keep your warm, yummy pride, but I do hope you understand that I fully intend to call animal control and report you 40 years from now when you’ve taken in your hundred and sixth cat and are stinking up the neighborhood. No offense or anything, I "get" the 10 cats thing, but 106 cats is just unsanitary.)

"What? So, if I don’t do all the stupid stuff you say I should do, I’m going to be a crazy, lonely cat lady? Are YOU calling me a crazy cat lady in training?!!!!!!"

Yep. (Now, none of you have to get all worked up and ask this in the comments section., because you know my answer is: “Yep.” But the good news is, you don’t have to choose pride, and crazed, irrational feminism. You can choose a “Yay for kittens ,and rainbows, and great sex and joy!” relationship instead. Isn’t that wonderful?) Moving on then...

HERE IS WHY I THINK THE CURRENT STATE OF SEX FOR MEN IS SO SAD:
Because connecting with his wife (in a sexual way) is SO important for most men, many of them are willing to take WHATEVER they can get. This includes dead fish sex, annoyed-wife sex, desperate “Well, can you please just help me out then?” non-sex, and resentful-wife sex, once every two (or three – yeee-ouch!) weeks.

That is a primary difference between men and women, and it automatically puts women in a position of power (and not necessarily in a manipulative or positive or negative way right out the gate…it’s sort of going to depend on what you DO with that unintended power shift.)

But here’s something you may (or may not) realize: guys don’t actually want to settle for you settling or “getting through it.” Sure, THEY’LL CERTAINLY TAKE IT, because gosh, they’ve got to “breathe,” and they love you, and want to be intimate with you, and if it’s between “that” and nothing, well, obviously they are going to take “that” – no matter how cold/dead/resentful “that” may be at times. But it doesn’t mean that it’s their ideal situation. I don’t think we always take time to see that.

You want a tidbit from my personal life though? You know the hubs? – SO not havin’ it. No dead little fishie for him. No thanks. He’ll pass. He has said from the very start “If you don’t want it, I don’t want it.” He is simply not interested in cold fish sex. *Which in my defense, I have NEVER given or offered to him. But he has heard about it through work friends who were suffering in that area. He came home from work one day long ago, very early on in our marriage, and told me about a conversation he had had with some of the sales reps at work, and then he simply said:

“I really never want to have dead fish sex, okay? If you aren’t in the mood, I’d rather you just say no, cause that would be pointless and degrading, deal?” And I said: “Deal!”

And that gave me a lot of insight into how MOST men must feel. No guy wants to feel like some creep molesting a corpse. He wants to enjoy a mutual exchange of love and good (or entirely too awesome for words) feelings with that amazing girl who made out with him (and nibbled on his ear a little bit, and told him, or implied through her actions that she wanted him b-a-d) on his parents’ couch so many years ago. I think a lot of guys probably think it stinks that their wives tricked them…

I’m just sayin’.

…and yes, I know that you “didn’t mean to,” and that being a mom and a wife, with kids, and a home, and pets, and callings, and jobs, and PTA, and no sleep, and nutty hormones, and all sorts of things vying for your attention at any given moment is HARD. It is so hard. And I know you’re trying. But the most important person in your life tends to get back-burner-ed amidst the chaos that IS your life, but your love, and relationship and marriage is the LAST thing that should ever get back-burner-ed, because it is the all-important foundation for everything else!

And by the way, if you’re wondering how it really feels “on the other side,” just ask any woman whose husband would rather look at porn than his beautiful wife. And whose husband would rather have fantasies, by himself, in a dark room, with imaginary women than have a real relationship with the woman who lives with him. I’ve had friends that have gone through it, and it’s heartbreaking. And it has ended their marriages. (And now they are happily married to great guys who like being with real women (yay!) But that sort of may give you an idea of how awful it must feel to be unwanted.

And while opting to blog, sleep, do the dishes, watch tv, insert activity of choice here_____ INSTEAD of being intimate with your husband is not (I repeat, IS NOT) the equivalent of having imaginary sex with imaginary, low self-esteem, fatherless, molestation victims whose pictures can be found plastered all over the internet, it still hurts. It’s still rejection. It still sends the message of “I would pretty much rather do anything other than be intimate with you (and this includes vacuuming, blogging, talking on the phone, and scrubbing the toilet).” And that message has to be painful…especially when you’re getting it from the person you love most in the world. That’s all I’m saying. Okay? Kay.

So, now, on to (bah da da dahhhhhh!)
Part III: For women who are AWESOME, and love their husbands, but aren't necessarily lovin "it."

Anonymous said...
Am I the only woman out there in my 20's that has little to no sex drive? I know intimacy in a marriage is so important, so...we do IT :) BUT...I could do without, am I crazy? Should I see a Dr.?
March 10, 2010 1:06 PM

According to the fairly large response to (and interest in) your question, I think that it is indeed safe to say that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! (Yay! Isn’t it great to know that you’re not alone?) I think it is. Well, sort of great, except for the fact that it means that LOTS of women– instead of just one- are suffering through or simply “enduring” sexual encounters with their husbands rather than thoroughly enjoying them. I would like to see more women loving themselves some seriously awesome intimacy, because sex makes me really happy. And it makes my marriage really happy. And I really like you (and you and you and you) and I really want you to be happy and sexually fulfilled too! (Yay us!)

But NO, You’re not weird, or flawed or wrong for not loving it! You are normal and it’s okay! (But let’s see if there isn’t SOMETHING that can be done – hm?) We are different from men! Sex isn’t as necessary for us. There are a handful of (very lucky) women who have libidos to beat all other libidos and that is great for them. (And, in case you were wondering, NO I am not one of them! Not even close.) But I do love being intimate with my husband, and I’ll tell you why: First, we have EXTREMELY open lines of communication (Who, me talk a lot and tell him exactly what I need and how I feel? Shocker!) so he, knowing what my needs are, works really hard to fill them, and this makes me love him and appreciate him and want to fill his. And second, I tell him what I want (and don’t want) in the bedroom, tune out the rest of the stress in my life, and commit myself to being fully present and in the moment with him. And it works wonders for our relationship! (Way more on all that like, right now.)

I can definitely appreciate the fact that you know how important intimacy is, and therefore do “IT.” But I think that all women deserve to LOVE it at least as much as their husbands do (because, you know, we can ‘O’ longer, stronger, more often, and more effectively than our male counterparts…so we should actually want “IT” more than they do…you know, technically.)

These suggestions are being made in the hopes that women who don’t have a medical/hormonal reason for not loving sex can maybe have a little shift in consciousness and find ways to enjoy (and even, dare I say it? … CRAVE.) you know, sex.

1. Try to get a better self image, or at the very least, come to an understanding of how sexy your husband thinks you are. A huge (as in astronomically ginormous) damper on a woman's libido is poor self image. In our world today, we are bombarded from all sides with airbrushed images, rampant plastic surgery, and unreasonable expectations of perfection. Well, someone ELSE'S definition of perfection, to be exact. Thanks Playboy! Thanks Heidi Montag! Thanks MTV! Thanks multi-billion dollar diet industry! Thanks pulled/peeled/inflated/liposuctioned/tanned/bleached "Real" Desperate Housewives of Orange County! Yay you! Way to perpetuate the lie that women should strive to reach a masochistic and altoghether unreachable (not to mention unhealthy) standard of (ew) "beauty!"

All I can say is, love yourself the way you are. Your husband does! Ask him. (Seriously, ask him.) And then take his word (and only his word) for it. And really believe it. And own it. And decide today that you would NEVER (ever ever ever) want to be one of those women - even if you could. Because they aren't real. They are lying to themselves and they are lying to you. They aren't happy. Do you think that people who would mutilate themselves to that extent - all in the name of "hoping to be accepted by society at large" are happy? I would venture to guess not.

Real is beautiful. Kind is beautiful. Intelligent, confident, and funny, is beautiful. So is being a happy, positive, encouraging wife and mother. Being the kind of wife that can make her husband feel like a million-billion bucks (and yes, yes you can...every time) should make you feel beyond beautiful. And that's just right thinking. So start doing some right thinking. Your hubs thinks you are sexy. So sexy, in fact, that he decided that he only wants to be with you - so what does that tell you? Right. You're perfect, just the way you are. Now believe it. And let that belief trickle into every single thing you do.

2. Instigate! Instigate! Instigate!
Are you sick and tired of having your husand make an advance and then suddenly having to get "in the mood" out of nowhere? Well then, stop letting him instigate. You do it. For some reason, women (myself included) don't like to be "acted upon." Blame it on the generations of pain and grief that women endured throughout past centuries all as a result of being acted upon...blame it on the rain, blame it on whatever...we just don't seem to like it. I don't, anyway.

When I instigate "it" with my husband (which, is a lot) I love it! (Which is why I do it a lot) I feel like a sexy seductress. I feel in control. I feel like I am choosing to have an awesome and fullfilling sexual experience, because indeed, I AM CHOOSING it! It's so great! It will make your hubs' day too. The fear of rejection is probably there EVERY time he tries to instigate. How great would it be if he just got pounced on every once in awhile? (Or very often rather than once in awhile?) I will tell you how great. Very great. That's how great. (It will get you all hot and bothered too - I'm telling you.) Try it.

3. Try to lower your stress levels.
Ha! I know, funny, right? You, a mom, with like, a million things to do and not nearly enough time to do them all... and pressure to be perfect…and “blog-envy” pressure/issues from blog-stalking women who are chefs, photographers, vixens in the sack, and the best moms on the planet. Yeah you, lower your stress levels, ri-iiiight.

But really, stress is a huge libido-killer. It makes it hard to focus, let go, and really live in the moment. And while you can’t reduce stress completely, (or even significantly) I would recommend just detaching for a while and really giving yourself over to the experience of being with your husband. Being in the present moment (and the present moment ONLY) is key to a great sexual experience. Practice meditation if you have to. Learn to silence your crazy, crazy, mind. You will be shocked by the effectiveness of it!

4. Ask for what you want! Be specific!
Are you telling your husband EXACTLY what you want? Are you (very nicely) saying “I don’t like that so much.” “Not there.” and “Oh yeah, do that.” and “Ooooo, right there.” and “Right there some more.” and “Oh yes – that please!” and “That please again!”

Are you doing that? Because I happen to know that a lot of women don’t. And I think that it is hugely important. (Like, so huge.) Tell him what you want! He really can’t read your mind! And hey, if you actually dedicate just a little bit of time to feeling things out, discovering what you really like (and really don’t) and then communicating those things to your partner so that 100% of your time together is “all good” you will be richly rewarded! This should yield huge dividends. (at least it has for me..every time!)

Plus, if you do it nicely (as in, not snippy/abrasive in any way) it will make your husband’s day! You want to know why? Well, I’ll tell you. Because your husband pretty much bases his entire sexual experience (okay, and often his value as a man/provider/husband) on his ability to pleasure you. This is another reason why it is such a major bummer when you’re “dead fishing” him (see Part I if you have no idea as to what I’m talking about).

When you are telling him what sends you over the edge AND also alerting him if he does something that inadvertently “brings you back down to earth” he won’t be bugged – he’ll be ecstatic! It’s like you’re handing him the map to the Holy Grail! That’s one of the reasons some men are obsessed with finding the mysterious “G” spot. They want a sure thing. They pride themselves on knowing that they know just what their woman needs. Plus, they are desperate for you to enjoy “it” in the hopes that this newfound enjoyment will result in you wanting “it” (translation: HIM) more often. So tell him! (Nicely, please...in a sexy voice ;)

5. Rediscover that lovin’ feeling.
This is another huge one. When you met and dated your hubs – you were super totally into him, right? Well what has happened since then? (Oh yeah, kids, nutty hormones and about 37 other things you could list off hand). So, like I said in my oh so enlightening “stress” segment, do your best to tune out the world, set aside the stress, and remember why you love this man and should totally want to jump on him when he comes through the door.

The other day I got home from a busy day of meetings and errands and realized that Bella's collar had been changed from Tiffany Blue to Powder Pink. Then I realized that is was because the hubs had bathed BOTH of the dogs while I was gone. Now, you have to understand our arrangement. These are my dogs. I told him I would bathe them. He loves them and does a lot to care for them as well, but when we got them I told him that I would do that part. Then I got pregnant, and sick, and tired, and busy, and crazy, and NOT bathing them had been eating at me for 2 weeks, but I didn't have the strength to do it, and I wasn't going to go back on my commitment to be the "washer of the dogs" (even though he would have never cared or uttered one hint of "I told you so..." or " you said you would...") So yeah, coming home to freshly bathed dogs nearly made my heart burst. I didn't take it lightly. I threw Kort into jammies and then bed so fast it made his head spin and then I jumped on the hubs. Because that was a hot, hot, freaking sexy thing that he did, and I wasn't going to take it for granted or let it go unnoticed for one second. You shouldn't either. Your hubs probably does a lot of great things for you. Notice them. Dwell on them. Let them remind you (daily) what a great guy you married. Let them get you excited about being with him.

6. Never (EVER) have resentful sex.
Never. I cannot emphasize it enough. Don't do "it" out of obligation - ever. It will mess you up. I didn't want to kiss that guy in my neighbor's basement when I was 16, but I did because I felt like I had to, and it messed me up. This can have an equally damaging effect in marriage. I know I am saying a lot about how much you SHOULD have sex with your husband, but none of that includes resentful sex. Don't ever participate in such a spiritual, connected, vulnerable act when you are feeling resentful or like you don't want to be touched. Honor those feelings, and if they persist to the point where you are only having sex once every two weeks, you need to get to the bottom of them (therapy, talking with your hubs, doing more romantic things every week, de-stressing your life, setting boundaries, you name it - start working toward a solution.) There have been times when I haven't wanted "it" and on those nights, I have said so. And it was fine. You may think that you have control over what you're feeling, or that it's "just sex" and that it's with your husband and... No. Don't do it. Get to a happy place, and then do it. This may be as simple as focusing on all of the wonderful things he does for you, and reconnecting with the intense feelings of love and appreciation you have for him, and it may be as complex as seeing a doctor. Either way, do what you've gotta do!

This is not to give you just one more excuse for why you should ONLY have to be intimate once every two weeks, rather it is a strong warning to be true to your feelings when you don't want to be touched, and also to get help if these feelings come around much too often. For me, these feelings are very rare, but I honor them when they are there.

On this same note, don't ever do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or violated. It will mess you up equally as bad. We all have different "limits and boundaries" as to what is and is not okay, and it is hugely important to respect those. If something unpleasant has already taken place, you need to talk candidly with your husband about it (and possibly even to a professional counselor if it affected you deeply and you're having a hard time getting over it by talking it out with your hubs.) Your husband isn't your enemy and he would probably be sad to hear that he did something that made you lose trust - so talk to him and get it behind you!


7. Get your emotional needs met.
Communicate the importance of those needs in a loving, non-hostile manner. You can even write a letter to your hubs (like the one I suggested to crazy/hostile chick.) Tell him, "I want to be with you, and want our love life to improve and be fantastic. I want to do "it" more. I think some things that you could do to help me reduce stress/feel more romantic would be to: help with the kids without being asked, take out the trash, and make-out with me twice a week or give me a massage without expecting things to go further, and take me on a date (just the two of us) once a week...etc" Then talk about what you can do for him!

This is going to be a huge shocker to all of you, I know, but I find that literally talking my hubs' poor little ear off is HUGELY therapeutic for me. (ha ha! You never would have guessed, right?!) It lets me shrug off the day, release stress, have a great sounding-board for problems I am facing, and totally validates my feelings regardless of how nutty or invalid they may actually be. The hubs is an expert listener and non-advice giver. It is like, a huge aphrodisiac for me! Figure out what's important to you and then share it with him.

8. Fake it till you make it.
Don't feel sexy? Act sexy anyway! I am the furthest thing from "sexy" according to the traditional definition of the word. I am the girl next door. I am "classy." (Well, in my opinion anyway...) I am "pretty" or "beautiful" (well, in the hubs' opinion anyway). I am NOT "sexy" or "hot" during 98% of my general existence, not ever. But the hubs certainly doesn't seem to mind when I pretend that I'm "sexy" and "hot" during the other 2%. I whisper sexy things in his ear. I make sexy noises when he does something very right. I give myself over to experiencing intimacy with him, and the end result is very, very sexy. Fake it, and in no time, you won't be faking anymore. You'll be that girl. For 2% of your life anyway... (Don't fake your 'O' though... never, ever fake that - why would you tell him he did something right when he didn't? Then he'll just keep doing it wrong! No, no, this is a training grounds for good, hot intimacy, not an opportunity to practice bad acting. ;)

9. Mix it up.
Sex does not have to be a 45 minute routine consisting of make-out time, foreplay time, sex time, and post-cuddle time. (To be fair, I am sort of like a guy and don't have any use for post-cuddle time...ever...in fact, it would drive me nuts!) But if it's important to you, make sure that element stays intact. Many women (myself included) let the concept of "time" stress us out. I don't know that we can change this. We should try, but... if we can't get past it, we need to get around it. I would recommend having sex (the happy and not resentful kind) 3 times a week. Each of these "times" does NOT have to be the 45 minute session listed above. It could be more like 1. A fun quickie. (Where you instigate, throw him on the bed, and 5 minutes later - you're both refreshed and done, and you don't have to stress about not getting your sleep, or not answering your emails, etc) 2. A long, intimate, 45 minute session where you really reconnect, relax, and enjoy each other 3. A fifteen minute session where it's meaningful, intimate, but not drawn out into the middle of the night.

Don't be pushed into a routine based on what you see in movies, read in books, hear about from other people, etc. If you don't like to cuddle, don't cuddle. If you need more foreplay - ask for it (nicely, of course). If you need less foreplay, say that too! Talk it out as a couple and decide what is important to each of you (making sure that you honor and respect the other's needs regardless of whether or not YOU identify with or understand them - excluding anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or violated - of course.)

10. Make one more crucial shift in perspective.
Don't have sex because your hubs needs it. Don't have sex because it's important. Have sex (but only amazing sex) because it is your right as a human (and spiritual) being. Have sex because it feels amazing and it connects you in a way that nothing else can. Have sex because you deserve to be happy.

You may look at other relationships with envy and say "I want that, but don't think it will ever be possible." But you're wrong. If you are married to someone you love, and they love you, anything is possible. You may have to work at it, but soon that work will give way to other things. Joy, pleasure, closeness, fulfillment...you name it. It' is an eternal truth that we CANNOT find any of those things outside of ourselves. They are all within - waiting to be birthed into your life through you and only you. There is no other way. Your hubs can't do it. Neither can your mom. Neither can I. You can seek and find teachers (books, blogs, therapists, spiritual leaders) to lead you on your way, but the journey is ultimately up to you. You can have everything that both of you have always wanted. Everything that you admire in other people. Everything you have always imagined. It's all yours for the taking...and maybe this has been no help at all - but I hope it has - at least to some extent!

If you need a fresh start, a huge, heaping pile of humility is going to be your best friend. (I have found that it has been mine over the past 9 years...sure, I pretty much just used up the crapload of leftover kindness/humility that the hubs has dripping from every pore in his body 24 hours a day...but hey, at least I was smart enough to soak it up and give it back to him...right? I get credit for that much, don't I? ;) Pride is your #1 enemy. Never forget it. If you approach your husband with the sincere desire to build the sex life (and regular life) of your dreams - he is not going to let you down. (Maybe even read this together if you think it might help him see where you're coming from and where you want to go.) No decent guy in his right mind is going to say "What? You want a happier marriage, a closer friendship, a healthier companionship and MORE sex? Nah - I'll pass." Seriously, if you approach it the way I have suggested you approach it (kindly, non-judgementally, and sincerely) he is a NUT not to jump on board! And you (unfortunately) may have bigger problems than this blog post is equipped to address if that's the case.

Don't start by saying "You do this wrong and if you stop, everything will be good." No, no, no. Start with kindness, self-evaluation, and a willingness to drop EVERYTHING from the past that is not important. Lots of people have ordinary marriages, but that's a choice, and the great news is, you get to choose any kind you want: miserable, lonely, hostile, ordinary, okay, great, or supremely satisfying in every way. Totally your choice. If your husband is COMPLETELY resistant to working on it, or abusive, or uninterested in playing nice even when you have LOVINGLY shared your hopes and dreams for a better marriage (and more sex) with him, then yeah - I can only speak for myself, but I am not all that interested in "wasting the pretty" on someone like that. I have a lot of love to give (and probably a lot of "pretty" years left in me... have you SEEN my beautiful grandmas?) and I am NOT interested in wasting them on someone who isn't receptive to my love and efforts, and has basically decided that holding me back suits him just fine. That's just one opinion though. Mine.

When we take marriage vows, we are trusting the other person with our very LIVES. If it turns out that think you made the wrong choice, that stinks (and I mean that sincerely). I would have a very honest discussion with my spouse and say "If you aren't interested in making our marriage work, I am very eager to move on and find someone who is." If you have children, you should do EVERYTHING you can to make it work, but some guys (in rare circumstances) are sociopathic, unhappy turds who AREN'T going to change and don't care about what you want or need. If that's the case, I would be running for the hills baby! In my opinion, a man who is selfish, angry, and hell bent on taking you down with him is just as bad as a man who cheats. Maybe worse if the guy who cheats is sorry and trying to make things right and your guy is still just being mean with no end in sight... But I digress - we were talking about wonderful guys, now weren't we?

So yeah, I guess that's about it. (What? Just that tiny little blip of a blog? - you say...) I am now ready for a discussion! Let's talk. What did I miss? Did you even make it this far? Do you have to break it up into smaller, more digestible portions? Are you sorry you even asked?! Are you tired of me yet?

Let the anonymous comments roll!