Saturday, July 23, 2011

Dear Friends,

A few things I'd like to discuss:
1. Sorry about the whole "having my email get hacked whilst I was away on vacation and letting some random turd overseas send all of y'all ridiculous links and emails" thing that went down this past week. Not cool. My sincerest apologies. {But I do hope that some of you are enjoying some super-great deals on botox/viagra thanks to me...

In the event that you are, you're welcome.}
2. I love the ocean. Don't you just love the ocean? If I didn't suspect it would eat me and my unsuspecting {not to mention utterly delicious} young some great and terrible day in the not too distant future, I think I might like to set up shop there for good!
3. I may or may not have a "sea rock"-hoarding issue. The jury's still out on that one.
4. California thrift stores used to be awesome. The ones in San Juan Capistrano thought that I should pay $9 to$10 buck-a-roonies for a faded blouse from Walmart. Keep California dreaming, you crazy California thrift stores.
5. The sneaking suspicions that my mother-in-law has prolly always had about her son being married to a "lesser woman than she" were likely confirmed during one of the following periods of our joint vacay:

ONE: When she got an a.m. phone call {a la' moi} outlining the day's travel itinerary, and then climbed into the van to find organized see-through boxes of treats {separated into "sweet" and "salty" sections, of course}stowed neatly under the console. 

TWO: When I told Kort that if he didn't shut his mouth I would burn all of his toys, rip the DVD player out of the van's roof and throw it out the window, cancel his whale watching tour, lock him in our hotel room, send him to bed without any dinner, and/or leave him at the gas station with some nice {okay, or even REALLY mean}strangers who'd always wanted a fa-lipping crazy seven year old to keep in their cold, wet basement. {Admittedly not my best "Love and Logic" moments..}

THREE: When I made her let me give her a pedicure and glitter toes...and she then proceeded to tell me that they would have been perfect for her...30 years ago...and if she was employed as a "pole-dancer." Yep. That's right. My mother-in-law thinks that I have prostitute-ish toes.{But now she has them too, so ha!}

FOUR: When I got all sorts of slammy at Arby's. In my defense, the Arby's people got our order totally mixed up {over and over again}. Plus, Tennyson was whining, Kort dumped a drink all over the table, my niece dumped two boxes of fries into our laps, and Kort was jabbering non-stop and refusing to eat his chicken nuggets. She may or may not have given me a free pass on that one though. It was nuts for everyone involved.

6. Okay REALLY, we have a great relationship. I love her guts and had SO MUCH FUN with her. She loves me. I can tell. {Then again, who DOESN'T love a crazy mess that makes them look awesome by comparison?} So, shout out to the MIL. You are the best. Thanks for the memories ;)

7. I've missed you, friends. What's new with you? Are your faces firm, utterly paralyzed, and wrinkle free? Is that little purple pill working wonders for you in the bedroom? Have my spam emails opened doorways to achieving a wonderful new level of existence for anyone and everyone in my address book?

Do tell.

Wait... on second thought... maybe don't ;)



Ashley Koz said...

1-Your baby is super beautiful
2- Those photos of the beach make me about want to cry! its been too long since I've been on the coast.
3- glad you got a nice vacay, I'll be home in t-3weeks, can't wait to see ya :)

Amie said...

Laughed out loud at the mother-in-law stuff... especially the stuff you threatened Kort with! I definitely relate to all of that!

Life with Kaishon said...

Welcome back : )
Laughed so hard about leaving Kort with a mean stranger to be locked in the basement. Very nice.

AND the shiny prostitute toes. Smashing.

Ashley said...

Dear Lola,

Um, I haven't seen you in like FOREVER! I feel like I don't even know you anymore (okay, so that's a little bit of an exageration), but seriously... where have you been?! Enjoying the beach I guess...


P.S. Love the new van! Yay!

Teachinfourth said...

Rock hoarding, eh? You and my sister could be friends.

Nelson Family said...

I just sat and laughed at the whole post. I love you and your nutty sense of humor and I am feeling a little left out that I have not been spammed with the good deals on botox and viagra. Hope you enjoyed your vacation!

VolleyMom said...

Hey, being the daughter of said MIL, I tell ya...Pole dancer...I wore red fingernail polish and itty bitty stud earings one time to the temple (for heavens sake) with her and got the prostitute I totally get it. Cuz WE ALL KNOW ONLY street walkin' pole dancin kinda girls wear fingernail polish RIGHT? yup...thats my mom...LOVE HER!!! Welcome to the Naughty fingernail polish/pole dancin' prostitute lookin' club!! For the S-H-A-M-E!!!!

VolleyMom said...

And I am sure mom thought her daughter in law (YOU) sent her that naughty email cuz...YOU're in that fingernail polish wear-er!!

Nisa said...

Haha! Your emails find a nice spot in my spam folder and got incredibly cozy, I'm sure. I'm glad you're back! I'm glad you enjoyed the beach!

Spencer 'n' Kristi Corbett said...

Oh my gosh! You're HILARIOUS! Thanks for the Saturday afternoon laugh! And, yes, thanks for the Viagra and no, my husband isn't using it--I am! ;) Never felt better! JK