Wednesday, December 1, 2010

anniversary.

Is it really December first already?!

It was one year ago today that we put up our Christmas tree.

And it was one year ago today that I plopped down on the couch,
exhausted
and said to the hubs
I have s.u.c.h. a bad headache.

And it was one year ago today that he said
"You should take some ibuprofen."
and I said (feeling sheepish...you know, since it HAD been almost 5 years...)
"What if I'm pregnant?"

And it was one year ago today that
the hubs went and got a pregnancy test.
(at the dollar store, no less.)

And it was one year ago today that
I took the test, and,
impatient little thing that I am,
assumed that it was negative
when the second pink line didn't immediately show up.

And it was one year ago today that
the hubs came in to check on me
(pouting, in bed, browsing on my laptop)
and I told him the bad news.

And it was one year ago today that
he went in to double check. you know,
just in case.

And it was one year ago today that he asked:
"So, does ONE line mean you're not pregnant?"

And it was one year ago today that
he presented me with not ONE pink line,
but two.

You can read the full account here.

I have been reading it, and crying, all week.

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The joy is still so fresh.
It's even better now,
because now I know the end of that part of the story,

and the end is:
I really was pregnant.
With a real, and healthy, and perfect little boy.
He really was coming to our family.
(And it wasn't an evil, cruel, unbearable trick that life, and/or
a cheap dollar store pregnancy test decided to play on me that night.)
It was real.
A real miracle.
The best kind of gift any woman with a mother's heart
(and a mother's hope)
could ever hope to receive on this,
the first day of the most miraculous month on our calendar.

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I love Christmas.
I love all that it represents.
The peace.
The Christ.
The love.
The family.
The giving.
The everything good.

Especially babies.

Ooooh, the babies.

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So Merry Christmas - you and you and you and you.

I hope this month is joyful.
I hope you don't let anything take away from what it could be for you.
I hope that I don't let anything take away from what it could be for me.
(I can be a self-pitying drama mama with the best of them, you know ;)

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I just received an email from a friend that made my Christmas.
After many years,
and many procedures,
and many prayers,
and even more tears,
their miracle baby number 2 is on the way.

I cried.

I know that journey.
And at the end of it,
the prize that comes is well earned
through the pain, and the tears and the uncertainty, and the disappointment
that only the women who suffer with infertility know.

And it made me think of the rest of my sisters out there.
The ones who are going to have to go through yet another Christmas
with an empty heart and empty arms,
and the guilt (oooh the guilt) for feeling sorry for yourself,
for resenting someone else's good - if ONLY for a moment,
for crying yourself to sleep when you should be able to be happy for others...
for any number of things that we women unfairly beat ourselves up about...

To you I say - Take Heart.
You'll get your miracle someday
(I honestly have no doubt of it)
God knows of your needs.
There is not one hair of your head that is not accounted for.

I wouldn't change a thing about what we went through,
and I have the feeling that you won't either
once you come out on the other side of things.

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That pain molded me,
it changed me,
it pushed me farther
than I sometimes believed
I was ever meant to go.
But I was wrong.
It pushed me exactly as far as I was meant to go.
And not an inch farther.

And when Mr. Tennyson came into our lives,
ALL of that residual pain immediately transcended
into the most beautiful state of bliss I have ever experienced
(and may ever experience)
in this lifetime.

And it was worth the wait.
And if it had taken ten (twenty, thirty, or fifty) years...
it still would have been worth the wait.

So, I hope you'll let His peace reside in your heart.
It's yours for the receiving.
Know that you are loved beyond anything you can comprehend.

I hesitate to publish this because I don't want it to seem like I'm rubbing my miracle baby in your faces... that could never be my intention.

I want to share this because Tennyson is living proof that miracles happen every day.
I want to share this because for nearly five years and for five Christmases, I didn't have, and didn't have, and didn't have, and didn't have...and then, one long-awaited Christmas, I did.

And I know you will too.

In any of the thousands of forms that
"having"
and
"answer to prayer"
take.

And let yourself enjoy a beautiful,
miraculous holiday season
with the loved ones who are already here.
There is nothing better I could wish for you...

Happy December first, everyone.

Much love,
Lola

For JUST THIS POST, if you stopped by, I want you to take a moment, and share a miracle or blessing in your life here, (in the comments section) as your Christmas gift to me. There is no greater gift I can think of than to know that the people I love are happy. So spill it. (Please.)

22 comments:

Miracles Happen said...

Not sure who the email was from *snickering*... But really our christmas wish has come true more than once in 5 years. Tyler was due dec. 25 2005, The best christmas present ever, except he came too early. 15 weeks to be exact. 94 days. For 94 days we begged =, pleaded, bargained and all of the things we do for our baby to live. He was discharged Dec. 23 93 days after he was born. We were poor that year. VERY poor. And the only thing under our tree was a sweater, a diaper bag and a baby.

I know that Christ is a living witness of LOVE. That I am a witness of his Miracles in more way than one. Keep praying for those miracles everyday!

~j. said...

What a lovely post, and a sweet memory you have of this day! Thank you for sharing your pain & heartache, as well as your joy & gratitude - you are a wonderful example to me.

As for blessings in my own life...to be honest, lately I look around and am overwhelmed by how much I am blessed. Hand-squeezes and smiles and smooches from my kidlets, and from my husband... That all sounds so cheesy, but it's true. I feel so grateful that I could cry at the drop of a hat. That's just how it is.

Formerly known as Frau said...

What a blessing and a gift! How fast a year can go! Have a wonderful day!

Merrilee said...

You have such a gift of writing! You truely have a way with words...there are miracles all around us that we encounter each and everyday if we stop and think. I had a healthy baby in Dec. and a grandson born in Dec who was not born so healthy but both little miracles born at that time of year really made me think of the Saviors mother and what she went through and I felt a special bond with her through the tears of joy, fear and hope! Chrismas is a wonderful time of year it is the gift of love! I am so happy for you and that you get to enjoy this new little one in your family, he is so darling! Merry CHRISTmas!

Lisa Miller said...

At age of 29 and in the state of Utah I FINALLY found my prince charming last year and got married this past spring. As an added bonus, he is ridiculously good looking, a college graduate, normal and seriously sweet. Miracle? I think so! Mr. Miller was well worth the wait.

Lisa Miller said...

P.s. I couldn't be happier for you and Kyle. Tennyson is one cute little nugget! I need to come get some Ten Ten lovin' pronto. Maybe the baby miracle will rub off on me.....;)

Jen Nelson said...

Well... you know my miracle! You've held him and squeezed him and kissed him!

I got pregnant the beginning of 2008. I was THRILLED because I was told it may not happen without medical intervention. Found out at 7ish weeks it wasn't a viable pregnancy. Found out 2 weeks later it was a molar pregnancy. After surgery, 10 weeks of chemo (yes CHEMO!) and a lengthy wait I got pregnant again! Joy! Then miscarried at 6 weeks. I. was. done. What kind of sick joke was that?!? But a few months later I came to my senses and got pregnant a third time. The third time was the charm!
December 10, 2009 I gave birth to my miracle. Of course he had to make an entrance. He aspirated on meconium and had a rough scary start. That entire night was a miracle. He spent an extra day in the level II nursery but could not be more perfect. Now I'm watching him toddle across the living room babbling to himself!

I still cannot believe our babies are here. I have witnessed so many more miracles this past year. (Yay Lisa!!) God is good! Thank you for this beautiful post! Love you!

Barbaloot said...

I remember that post---and I'm so happy for you and your family and the lucky little guy that got to come to your house!!

My Christmas mircale was a few years ago. One brother was in major kidney failure, and another brother was a perfect match for a transplant. It went great, they are both healthy and living great lives!!

Jeff and Jessie said...

I am so grateful you got your miracle.
After 'losing' four of my own little babies, my four living children are my greatest miracle. Each day I count them twice and say extra thankful prayers that they are mine.
And it doesn't help that my hubs is my best friend and confidant.
What a blessed girl I am.

Lyndsie said...

I loved your post. It hits so close to home for me and if I wasn't already emotional enough today this did me in:) All 3 of my kids are miracles. The year long process of fertiltiy treatments to get pregnant with the twins and the they should have been born at 24 weeks and died. But we made it to 35 weeks and they are now 6 years old and running all over the place. It took us 1 1/2 years, 4 IUI's cycles, 3 miscarriages, and 4 IVF cycles later to get my 2 yr old. True miracle that I was able to get pregnant. Miracle #4 is on the way. I just can't believe it. 7 years ago I didn't think I would have any children and now I will have 4. As I sit here feeling this little baby girl kick me I can't believe that I am really pregnant and will be able to one last time have a new baby. Can't wait until she comes in April!!! Thanks for reminding me of the miracle in my life. It's so easy to get caught up in day to day life and I love having these little reminders.

Lindsay said...

This is so beautifully written. I LOVE the pic of you and your boys with Kortland gently touching his little brother on the head and looking at him like he is the greatest treasure on earth.(which he is)

My blessing/miracle is my 3 sweet children. My heart is so full as I get to watch my children learn and grow everyday. I am learning life's greatest lessons through their examples of being like our Savior.

Samantha said...

I am truly in awe of the plethora of miracles happening around each of us every day. I am constantly reminded of my five little miracles who make me a better mother, woman, and child of God every day. I am amazed when I see my best friend who, just as she begins to slip into despair, has a life changing moment of realization and peace. I wonder at the Savior's gift to us of the atonement; to not only let us be forgiven of our sins, but to be healed from our pain, afflictions, and sorrows. Christ felt everything that I have felt and walks beside me everyday to help me get through every moment. One of my miracles is my struggle through life and my challenges that come with it. Through these challenges, we grow and rise above, and become our best self. Life is a miracle, today is a miracle, love is a miracle, and I expect miracles to continue to happen for each and every one of us for the rest of our lives.

Nisa said...

Yeah, that had me in tears. It's been three Christmases for me, but like you, I believe it will happen someday. You are wonderful!

Miracles happen all the time. ALL THE TINE! The most recent is that my husband's grandma just had a stroke. She has recovered completely! Talking, moving, every function completely normal. :)

Anonymous said...

I love that you said "I hope you don't let anything take away from what it could be for you." Ugh, I so needed to hear this. I'm totally a self pitying person that lets someones crooked look at me haunt me for years...wondering WHAT IN THE WORLD did I do to you. I worry much to much about things like this, that are just NOT important. I need to focus on being the best me I can be, and raising my kids to be their best as well. THANKS for making that simple statement!

imemary said...

Before I was born and when my older brother was only 2 years old, he got run over by a tractor. As in, it ran over his HEAD. Initially he wasn't given good odds on living, but after a priesthood blessing and two weeks in the hospital he came home. And now he is one of my favorite people in the whole world. I'm lucky that he got to stick around, because I wouldn't have even known what I was missing.

There, I hope you're happy. Merry Christmas!

Jen @ Opal Never Shouts said...

What a lovely Lola Letter. Thanks for sharing:)

Jeremy & Andrea said...

I really believe miracles come in such small packages and often come with lots of heartache. This year I was able to witness a miracle for my older brother and his wife. After years they were finally able to conceive their own little miracle boy only to find out months later that he would not live a full life. They were kind enough to invite us to the hospital to meet him moments after he was born. I held that sweet perfect looking baby boy for a whole hour. I've never felt such a strength from a baby who's body was so broken. He had been born with just a little more than half of his heart. His life expectancy was anywhere from minutes to two weeks. 34 hours after meeting all the people in his life who cared so much for him, he was asked to go back home to his Heavenly Father. I was in the room as he started his painful, agonizing return back to our loving heavenly father. As I watched my sister in law and brother hold him for the last hours his body and spirit were together I witnessed the miracle of love between a mother and child, between a father and child, the love between husband and wife but most importantly I was reminded of another Father who despite having power to stop the pain of his son, knew that his son had to go through it alone. I gained a deeper appreciation for a loving Heavenly Father as did many others who were there in the room that night. Bringing more fully into view the tremendous love our Heavenly Father has for us. The peace and reverence that came to comfort and guide us through such a trying time was evidence of that Love. The miracles that happened through Henry's life and death weren't mountain moving or by any means earth shattering. In fact by most they probably don't seem significant at all but our family grew closer, I loved my children a little more, I gained a new respect for my brother and his wife, I appreciated the peace that comes with an ultrasound that shows an entire perfect beating heart of a baby, and my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ was again strengthened. I think many of us will see the miracles in our lives as we look closer at our trials for it is in those trials that we are yet again made a little more perfect..a little more like God.

Stephanie Faris said...

This is SO beautifully put. It brought tears to my eyes. I've come to terms with the fact that I won't be a mom -- my husband doesn't want anymore (he has one with his previous wife) and I was having a hard time conceiving when I was married before anyway. It's okay. Motherhood isn't for everyone and I'm pretty sure I would have done well at it and loved it if that had been my lot, but I think there are many people (like you) much better-fitted for it because you really, really wanted it. I never had that fire!

Isn't it amazing how much can change in a year, though?

Heather said...

Wow- another tear jerker! Thanks, Laura- this is beautiful.

Aubry Macbean said...

You made me cry. I wont go into all the details but my neighbor has been doing fertility and just after Thanksgiving found out that they are pregnant. I cried tears of joy for them. Also tears of sadness for those I know that are still hoping for children whether through fertility options or adoption. Children really are miracles.

carly said...

8 Decembers ago I was having moring sickness...my son arrived in March, 16 weeks early. It is a miracle that that tiny 1 lb. 5.6 oz boy with a head the size of a baseball is now 7 years old, above average for his height and that, aside from Hydrocephalus, glasses and hearing aides, he has no other serious problems relating to his prematurity. He is a our miracle, and I am thankful every day that he is in my life.

Anonymous said...

One of my dear friends is out of state signing papers to make their adoption official and bringing home their son!

I have been so emotional the last few weeks praising God and giving thanks for ALL the miracles I have been able to witness!

What a beautiful time of year and a great reminder to give thanks for our blessings!

Beautifully written. You bring me to tears and give me chills.