It was one year ago today that we put up our Christmas tree.
And it was one year ago today that I plopped down on the couch,
exhausted
and said to the hubs
I have s.u.c.h. a bad headache.
And it was one year ago today that he said
"You should take some ibuprofen."
and I said (feeling sheepish...you know, since it HAD been almost 5 years...)
"What if I'm pregnant?"
And it was one year ago today that
the hubs went and got a pregnancy test.
(at the dollar store, no less.)
And it was one year ago today that
I took the test, and,
impatient little thing that I am,
assumed that it was negative
when the second pink line didn't immediately show up.
And it was one year ago today that
the hubs came in to check on me
(pouting, in bed, browsing on my laptop)
and I told him the bad news.
And it was one year ago today that
he went in to double check. you know,
just in case.
And it was one year ago today that he asked:
"So, does ONE line mean you're not pregnant?"
And it was one year ago today that
he presented me with not ONE pink line,
but two.
You can read the full account here.
I have been reading it, and crying, all week.
The joy is still so fresh.
It's even better now,
because now I know the end of that part of the story,
and the end is:
I really was pregnant.
With a real, and healthy, and perfect little boy.
He really was coming to our family.
(And it wasn't an evil, cruel, unbearable trick that life, and/or
a cheap dollar store pregnancy test decided to play on me that night.)
It was real.
A real miracle.
The best kind of gift any woman with a mother's heart
(and a mother's hope)
could ever hope to receive on this,
the first day of the most miraculous month on our calendar.
I love Christmas.
I love all that it represents.
The peace.
The Christ.
The love.
The family.
The giving.
The everything good.
Especially babies.
Ooooh, the babies.
So Merry Christmas - you and you and you and you.
I hope this month is joyful.
I hope you don't let anything take away from what it could be for you.
I hope that I don't let anything take away from what it could be for me.
(I can be a self-pitying drama mama with the best of them, you know ;)
I just received an email from a friend that made my Christmas.
After many years,
and many procedures,
and many prayers,
and even more tears,
their miracle baby number 2 is on the way.
I cried.
I know that journey.
And at the end of it,
the prize that comes is well earned
through the pain, and the tears and the uncertainty, and the disappointment
that only the women who suffer with infertility know.
And it made me think of the rest of my sisters out there.
The ones who are going to have to go through yet another Christmas
with an empty heart and empty arms,
and the guilt (oooh the guilt) for feeling sorry for yourself,
for resenting someone else's good - if ONLY for a moment,
for crying yourself to sleep when you should be able to be happy for others...
for any number of things that we women unfairly beat ourselves up about...
To you I say - Take Heart.
You'll get your miracle someday
(I honestly have no doubt of it)
God knows of your needs.
There is not one hair of your head that is not accounted for.
I wouldn't change a thing about what we went through,
and I have the feeling that you won't either
once you come out on the other side of things.
That pain molded me,
it changed me,
it pushed me farther
than I sometimes believed
I was ever meant to go.
But I was wrong.
It pushed me exactly as far as I was meant to go.
And not an inch farther.
And when Mr. Tennyson came into our lives,
ALL of that residual pain immediately transcended
into the most beautiful state of bliss I have ever experienced
(and may ever experience)
in this lifetime.
And it was worth the wait.
And if it had taken ten (twenty, thirty, or fifty) years...
it still would have been worth the wait.
So, I hope you'll let His peace reside in your heart.
It's yours for the receiving.
Know that you are loved beyond anything you can comprehend.
I hesitate to publish this because I don't want it to seem like I'm rubbing my miracle baby in your faces... that could never be my intention.
I want to share this because Tennyson is living proof that miracles happen every day.
I want to share this because for nearly five years and for five Christmases, I didn't have, and didn't have, and didn't have, and didn't have...and then, one long-awaited Christmas, I did.
And I know you will too.
In any of the thousands of forms that
"having"
and
"answer to prayer"
take.
And let yourself enjoy a beautiful,
miraculous holiday season
with the loved ones who are already here.
There is nothing better I could wish for you...
Happy December first, everyone.
Much love,
Lola
For JUST THIS POST, if you stopped by, I want you to take a moment, and share a miracle or blessing in your life here, (in the comments section) as your Christmas gift to me. There is no greater gift I can think of than to know that the people I love are happy. So spill it. (Please.)
