Oh my! This blog is going to be posted in three parts. Parts one and two are addressed below. Part three will post on Monday. This first part is the most important (I think, anyway) as it deals with more severe issues affecting marital intimacy...so here we go!
Anonymous said...
Am I the only woman out there in my 20's that has little to no sex drive? I know intimacy in a marriage is so important, so...we do IT :) BUT...I could do without, am I crazy? Should I see a Dr.?
March 10, 2010 1:06 PM
Anonymous said...
I really love the depth of some of these questions. It is nice to know I'm not the only one who could "go with out". I have no questions to add but I am interested in your answers.
March 11, 2010 7:49 PM
Anonymous said...
I could live the rest of my life without sex! sorry!
March 11, 2010 7:56 PM
Anonymous said...
I am also with anon #1. There is a web-site called decreasedsexualdesire.com that has some information that might be helpful...I'm also glad that I am not the only one in my 20's that could really "do without"!
Anonymous said...
I'm with anonymous #1. I could do without. My questions are: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? And if you ruled the world, would everyone get free cupcakes? ;)
March 10, 2010 7:17 PM
Part I: To Women Who Suspect They May Have a Medical Issue
I do not (in any way) want to give someone a huge list of “things they can try and do to improve their sex life” only to make them feel like a failure/big ole heap of bad-wifey-garbage over something that is NOT WITHIN THEIR CONTROL! I think that is one of the worst things we women do to one another. If there is a medical issue (depression, illness, a severe hormonal imbalance, etc.) it needs to be addressed medically (and NOT Lolally). I think a visit to your doctor and a candid discussion about what you’re thinking/feeling/going through is always a good idea. If you want to try some of the suggestions (which will be given in the second post - Monday) and see if they help – then yay! But promise me that if they don’t work, you’ll seek out professional help rather than simply deciding that you are a damaged jerk who doesn’t deserve to live, yes? (Leave all of the unnecessary melodrama to me honey.)
Now, some of you might be saying to yourselves – “That’s uncomfortable for me! I’m not SURE that my problem is medical, and I don’t want to go and deal with seeing a doctor and talking about every detail of my sex life... and insert totally legitimate concern/fear here________.” And to that I say: I understand completely. Doctors are no fun, and facing the (hidden) fear that we may have something wrong with our hormones? – Terrifying. Hello, you’re talking to infertility hormone nightmare girl. This isn’t easy, (hence the reason it has taken FOREVER for me to finally address it!) but nothing worthwhile ever is (and yes, I feel that developing and maintaining a healthy – and even awesome - intimate relationship with the love of your life is HUGELY worthwhile.) but you have to put in the work. The GREAT news is, it will get easier! You’ll get medication, or counseling, or whatever it is that you specifically need to move beyond your individual (and unique and VALID) issues and into an amazing relationship with the man that you have committed to sharing the rest of your life with.
Women (as we will discuss later in further detail) are oh so different from men. (Duh, I know.) As the readers have clearly stated, “We can pretty much go without” but do we sometimes make the crucial error of thinking that men should be the same? They are so not the same, and it is a mistake for us to expect them to be. (And no, I’m not saying the you - or you – or you are making that mistake, I’m just saying that it would be a mistake to think that way…)
You can’t change the fact that you CURRENTLY have medical road blocks preventing you from achieving your ideal intimate relationship, but you CAN decide to face them head on rather than ignore them and allow them to quietly disintegrate your marital relationship from the inside out.
Part II: To Women Who Have Suffered ANY Form of Sexual Abuse – Whether or not you think you have been a victim of sexual abuse, please read the DEFINITIONS and various elements of sexual abuse before skipping ahead and thinking this is not about you! I didn’t think it was about ME either, but…”
I wrote this blog post over a week ago, but didn’t feel at all good about posting it. It just didn’t feel complete or “right” quite yet. Now I feel confident that it is (for now). I received an email from a good friend of mine a few days ago and she shed some light on a HUGE factor that I had not even considered yet (yes, I’m human and can be pretty narrow-sighted at times, and yes – I totally managed to miss the gigantic pink elephant that was tap dancing on my laptop). Her letter struck a HUGE chord in my brain and resulted in a gigantic “Aha” moment for me. I will share her email (and awesome wealth of information) in just a minute, but first, I want to tell you about my own “aha” moment and why I think it’s important that EVERY WOMAN take a moment to consider what my friend has to say.
Based on the definition that most of us give the term “sexual abuse,” I HAVE NOT been sexually abused. I wasn’t inappropriately touched by a neighbor kid, or their dad, or a creepy uncle, or an overly-touchy gym teacher, or any of the “usual suspects” that we normally associate with sexual abuse. However, as I read the MANY definitions of sexual abuse that my friend lists below (I have bolded them) I realized that I have definitely had my space (as well as my trust) violated. I think that most women have at some point or another. And I think that a lot of us don’t realize that the negative feelings associated with these ugly experiences tend to stay with us, hold us back, and even sour our healthy, relationships and marriages with WONDERFUL men until we identify, expose, and deal with them.
My story (and “aha moment”)
When I was a sophomore in high school, I went to watch a movie at a neighbor’s house with a girlfriend of mine. She “liked/was starting to date” my neighbor and I just went along with her so she could hang out and get to know him better. I wasn’t dating anyone at the time. Another friend of mine (a guy) was there when we got there. So, my friend sat by her “interest” and I sat by my guy friend. Well part way into the movie, my guy “friend” started making some moves. Nothing “big” just, you know, your basic “snuggle up.” He put his arm around me and pulled me into him. It TOTALLY made me uncomfortable, but he was my friend, and I didn’t want to “offend” or “hurt” him, so I just told myself – “It’s fine! Friends can be “close” without “being close” and this is no big deal…” But you know what – it felt ugly, and sort of like a big deal, but I REALLY didn’t want to make a scene or make him feel stupid. So I just sat there.
Well, as the night progressed, it got to where his arm was wrapped around my waist, and his fingers were tickling a sliver of skin on my stomach where my t-shirt had inched (barely) up from the top of my jeans. (Oh how I would have KILLED to have “shade- type” l.o.n.g., tight, immovable undershirts back in the day! Not just for THIS situation, but for everyday style and modesty and cuteness purposes as well. Shade came around about 5 years too late for me and “decent high school fashion.” But, I digress…) Back to the tummy tickling, I was SOOOOO not comfortable with this sort of physical contact, but pretty much paralyzed to do anything about it because, well, he was my friend. I trusted him. I was completely blindsided by his behavior and felt powerless to do anything about it without offending him and having him talk crap about me (which, by the way, he did anyway – because he was awesome like that). Then he kissed me. Ugh!! I remember feeling horribly sick and almost like I was suffocating.
I didn’t want to kiss him. I wasn’t the kind of girl that just kissed random guys in her neighbor’s basement – but wouldn’t you know it, there I was… kissing a random guy in my neighbor’s basement. The 29 year old me now wants to SCREAM at the 16 year old me and say – “Get out of there! Make up an excuse and leave! Don’t worry about what he thinks! Do what’s right for you!” But unfortunately, 16 year old me was alone – and she didn’t know what else to do…so, she just went along with it. And it sucked.
And yes, it was just a kiss, but kissing is one of the MOST intimate things you can do with a person (HELLO- on “Pretty Woman” our beloved prostitute-protagonist is willing to HAVE SEX with a guy for money, but she won’t kiss him? That should tell us something about the intimate nature of kissing. To me, it’s not just for any Joe Schmoe lucky enough to corner an unsuspecting girl on a couch. It’s highly intimate, and should be special. And women/girls who get pushed/pulled/blindsided into it tend to feel, well, ICKY and dirty afterwards. And it skews our view of what a GOOD and trusting and desirable relationship COULD be like. I know that it did for me. I did not have ONE healthy relationship experience following that. Not through all of high school. A guy (even one that I really liked and wanted to be with) would kiss me, and those yucky, dirty feelings would come back, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable around him anymore, and I would push him away. I NEVER ONCE “connected the dots” and realized that I needed to work through (and come to terms with) the loss of power and helplessness I felt in that neighbor’s basement so many years before. It truly stayed with me – for years.
It even affected me in college! I remember dating this cute RM Pre-Med student who was soooo sweet and great. I really liked him. We even dated for like, 3 whole weeks (which was an astronomical amount of time for me!) Then one night, while on vacation in St. George (yes, we had totally separate rooms) we totally kissed for like, an hour. (Yes, JUST kissed – no other “funny business” contrary to what D-bag Basement Mack-Daddy Boy would have had everyone believe, I have always been a “good girl” and even a prude in that department, and I would be happy to go toe-to-toe with D-bag Mack Daddy Basement Boy and a lie detector test any day of the week…I’m just sayin’…) And at first I liked kissing this pre-med nice guy, because I liked him, then it started to make me feel all sorts of yucky, and dirty, and like I wanted him to get away from me and never touch or talk to me again. Isn’t that crazy?! It tainted, like, EVERYTHING! I never talked to him again after the trip. Seriously, can you believe that? All he did was kiss me, and I couldn’t stand him anymore! I avoided his calls, told my roommates to tell him I wasn’t home, you name it. He was cut off out of nowhere. He must have thought I was one crazy little chica – but I couldn’t help it. Intimacy was skewed in my head and it seemed to taint everything.
Now, I need to make a very important side note here. The “high school guy in my neighbor’s basement” did not touch me in any “places.” He did not hump my leg or do anything else that was outlandishly creepy. I do not think (or assert now) that he had ANY IDEA as to just how much I didn’t want to have anything to do with him. He was not a sexual predator. He was not a bully (although that came later). He was just a stupid boy who couldn’t read my fairly readable “signals” and sense that I was trying with every fiber of my being not to vomit into his mouth.
He also did not “assault” me in a technical sense. I did not say “No!” only to have him ignore me and push for more. (In fact, had I said “Don’t.” or “No.” I have absolutely NO DOUBT in my mind that he would have been embarrassed and backed off.) But I didn’t feel like I could say “Don’t.” or “No.” I felt helpless. I didn’t feel like saying no was an option because I was 16 and afraid of losing my friend, and afraid of what he would tell people, and afraid of what people would say, and afraid of being stuck in a horribly awkward situation, for like, the rest of the eternally loooong movie. I felt like I was powerless to create any outcome other than “Kiss him back, get through this, and never let yourself get in this position again!”
It didn’t help that this boy later tried to slander me and say that things happened that absolutely did not. It was hard to accept that I endured a night of his (painfully bad) kisses in order to keep our “friendship” intact – only to find out that he wasn’t a real friend. Instead, he was an insecure, social-climbing liar (and to be fair – an immature BOY, every bit as much as I was a naïve GIRL) who would say hurtful, untrue things about me regardless of what I did (or absolutely did NOT) do that night. That was a hard (and ugly) lesson to learn. And it obviously stuck with me. I didn’t trust anyone (male or female) after that. Not for the rest of high school. Not even through most of college.
So, that’s my story. (One of them, anyway.) I hope that by sharing it, I have not diminished (in any way) anyone else’s far more traumatic experiences. I just want to share my “aha moment” in hopes that it can help someone else see that bad, or traumatic, or ugly experiences aren’t always as cut and dry and “textbook sexual abuse” as we’d like to think they are. They don’t HAVE to be violent “I was thrown behind some bushes and raped” experiences. Powerlessness is a HUGE and scary feeling, and I’m afraid that MOST WOMEN have felt it at one time or another in a sexual or intimate context. I’m not saying that we all have to make victims out of ourselves, and I’m not saying we have to let them define us, but we should push those experiences out into the light of day, examine them with our ADULT eyes and our MATURE minds, and put them to rest once and for all. I just barely did. Just now. With you. So, thanks for being my therapists/sounding board.
Sometimes (like in my situation) we can identify the problem, say “Aha! I see why I do (or did) that now!” and then we can proceed to iron out the domino effect of issues in our minds, and find peace, and hopefully a renewed ability to enjoy intimacy with our spouses, and sometimes we need the help of a professional to sort them out, get them straight, DISCONNECT them from our healthy relationships, and move on to live beautiful lives.
And we NEED to do this if it will help us have happier/better/more fulfilling marriages and relationships! This is where my friend comes in! Getting help is SUPER easy. I am HANDING the information to you. I am giving you someone you can contact or call (confidentially and privately) right NOW! Here is her letter:
Lola,
“I know that you said that you already have 14 pages on the sex question, but I have a point of view that I would like to add, not knowing whether or not you know about it. I work with women who have been sexually abused. A few years ago I went through a group therapy session for woman who had been sexually abused (that in and of itself is a long story) but needless to say I found out some very interesting things about myself.
Here are a few facts:
*1 in 3 women in the LDS church have been sexually abused
*Clearly this affects sex in marriage
*Typically women who have been abused either are very promiscuous OR feel no need to have sex.
*It is nearly impossible for women who have been abused to understand what a normal healthy sexual relationship in marriage feels like compared to the obviously unhealthy, wrong feelings produced by the abuser, WITHOUT professional help.
*These women try very hard to be the picture of perfection, they can't leave the house without makeup, everything is always spotless clean etc.
*While they don't want to have sex they can't stop thinking about it.
I am not saying that the anonymous writer has been abused, but I have worked with A LOT of women and there is a good chance that she may have been abused. I am not naive enough to believe that this is the only reason why women don't want to have sex. I know that hormone imbalances, feeling underappreciated and over worked can all contribute. I would guess that the defining line is whether or not she can feel the different level of love and intimacy that only comes with a physical relationship with your spouse.
I never knew there was a difference. Now I have been able to divide out the "bad" and be able to enjoy a very fulfilling sexual relationship with my husband. Granted, this took several years but I am very glad that I got the help that I needed (even though I didn't think I needed help).”
I wrote my friend back and said “YES PLEASE!!!!” in response to her offer to supply me with more information. This is what she sent:
LETTER #2
“Besides attending group therapy myself, I have worked as a volunteer for LDS Family Services for over 3 years. I do trainings for Stake and ward auxiliary leaders, enrichment nights, firesides, co-facilitating group therapies and individual counseling with girls. My number is the one LDSFS gives out to girls who need extra support! However I am not a professional therapist. I have had training and know most everything there is to know about this topic but I am not a licensed therapist. I currently serve on the Regional Advisory Board for LDS Family Services.
It is important to define 'sexual abuse' so that people understand what it entails.
Sexual Abuse: is an abuse of power over an individual and a violation of their right to normal, healthy, trusting relationships. It also involves forcing, tricking, bribing, threatening, or pressuring an individual into sexual activity or awareness. This may be done verbally or non-verbally. Sexual abuse encompasses molestation, rape, incest, petting, groping and all other forms of sexual activity.
My husband and I had been married 2 1/2 years when I found myself in a therapy group for women who had been sexually abused. I was suffering from uncontrollable anxiety, obsessive tendencies, several other issues, and though I wouldn't admit it, sexual problems. After attending the group I learned many things that helped me change my life. In the 3 years since then, I have not had one anxiety attack and I am able to ENJOY a very healthy, intimate sexual relationship with my husband. I was able, through professional help, to separate my feelings towards sex that were a product of the abuse that I suffered from the normal, healthy sexual relationship that I have with my husband.
Although there are many symptoms that I could go into for children and teenagers I will focus solely on adults. This comes from a handout that I received at LDS Family Services.
Feelings and Behaviors experienced by survivors of sexual abuse. During the course of life, survivors of abuse are likely to experience some or many of the following emotions and behaviors:
Emotions:
Confused about identity.
Angry at self and others.
Guilty about everything she's ever done, about everything that's been done to her, or that she's thought about.
Difficulty separating what she's done from what's been done to her.
Afraid of men; doesn't trust other women.
Frustrated and uncertain about life and goals.
Depressed, but doesn't know why.
Doesn't trusts her own judgment.
Believes the world would be better off without her.
Hurts all the time; exhausted.
Can't keep up with everyone else.
Feels everyone is looking at her and can see right through her.
Behavior:
Can't make decisions.
Allows others to abuse her further.
Always takes the blame; accepts guilt and responsibility.
Tries to be perfect.
Experiences sexual problems in marriage--frigid, disinterested, or excessively interested in sex; Repulsed by sexual activity.
Seeks affection inappropriately.
Has many health problems.
Afraid of close relationships with men.
Cranky, angry, abusive, afraid.
Very active in Church/ultra religious.
Very compassionate with others.
Serves others but finds it does not build a sense of self-worth.
Sacrifices anything for children and husband, but doesn't take time for self.
As the young adult matures emotionally, the awareness of things lacking in her development leads her to compensate in other areas of her life. Yet, those accomplishments are hollow victories and seem like a poor substitute for her desire to be acceptable to herself and to feel acceptable to others.
Please realize that you do not have to have all the symptoms.
Most areas have some type of Woman's Crisis Center that is available for help 24 hours a day. LDS Family Services has many offices in Utah and other areas that can offer help. You can contact the LDSFS in your area directly. You do not have to go through an ecclesiastical leader.
24 hr help line
1-888-421-1100
Please feel free to contact me with any questions or comments at goopitter@gmail.com
Wow! I cannot even tell you how happy I am that I waited to publish this post until I had all of the information that I needed. And please, please email my friend if you have any questions. It’s pretty fantastically clear that she has been there before and knows what she’s talking about and I know that she will be a great support to you if you let her! But hey, we’re not done yet. I will continue this discussion with a second installment (because this post is already really long) that will be posted on Monday. It will address:
Part III: To Women Who Think They are relatively healthy/unscathed in the sex/marriage department (i.e. no physical/hormonal issues and no past history of sexual abuse.) yet, you somehow STILL could “do without.”
Because there are still a lot of other issues that factor into why so many women can
Lola,
“I know that you said that you already have 14 pages on the sex question, but I have a point of view that I would like to add, not knowing whether or not you know about it. I work with women who have been sexually abused. A few years ago I went through a group therapy session for woman who had been sexually abused (that in and of itself is a long story) but needless to say I found out some very interesting things about myself.
Here are a few facts:
*1 in 3 women in the LDS church have been sexually abused
*Clearly this affects sex in marriage
*Typically women who have been abused either are very promiscuous OR feel no need to have sex.
*It is nearly impossible for women who have been abused to understand what a normal healthy sexual relationship in marriage feels like compared to the obviously unhealthy, wrong feelings produced by the abuser, WITHOUT professional help.
*These women try very hard to be the picture of perfection, they can't leave the house without makeup, everything is always spotless clean etc.
*While they don't want to have sex they can't stop thinking about it.
I am not saying that the anonymous writer has been abused, but I have worked with A LOT of women and there is a good chance that she may have been abused. I am not naive enough to believe that this is the only reason why women don't want to have sex. I know that hormone imbalances, feeling underappreciated and over worked can all contribute. I would guess that the defining line is whether or not she can feel the different level of love and intimacy that only comes with a physical relationship with your spouse.
I never knew there was a difference. Now I have been able to divide out the "bad" and be able to enjoy a very fulfilling sexual relationship with my husband. Granted, this took several years but I am very glad that I got the help that I needed (even though I didn't think I needed help).”
I wrote my friend back and said “YES PLEASE!!!!” in response to her offer to supply me with more information. This is what she sent:
LETTER #2
“Besides attending group therapy myself, I have worked as a volunteer for LDS Family Services for over 3 years. I do trainings for Stake and ward auxiliary leaders, enrichment nights, firesides, co-facilitating group therapies and individual counseling with girls. My number is the one LDSFS gives out to girls who need extra support! However I am not a professional therapist. I have had training and know most everything there is to know about this topic but I am not a licensed therapist. I currently serve on the Regional Advisory Board for LDS Family Services.
It is important to define 'sexual abuse' so that people understand what it entails.
Sexual Abuse: is an abuse of power over an individual and a violation of their right to normal, healthy, trusting relationships. It also involves forcing, tricking, bribing, threatening, or pressuring an individual into sexual activity or awareness. This may be done verbally or non-verbally. Sexual abuse encompasses molestation, rape, incest, petting, groping and all other forms of sexual activity.
My husband and I had been married 2 1/2 years when I found myself in a therapy group for women who had been sexually abused. I was suffering from uncontrollable anxiety, obsessive tendencies, several other issues, and though I wouldn't admit it, sexual problems. After attending the group I learned many things that helped me change my life. In the 3 years since then, I have not had one anxiety attack and I am able to ENJOY a very healthy, intimate sexual relationship with my husband. I was able, through professional help, to separate my feelings towards sex that were a product of the abuse that I suffered from the normal, healthy sexual relationship that I have with my husband.
Although there are many symptoms that I could go into for children and teenagers I will focus solely on adults. This comes from a handout that I received at LDS Family Services.
Feelings and Behaviors experienced by survivors of sexual abuse. During the course of life, survivors of abuse are likely to experience some or many of the following emotions and behaviors:
Emotions:
Confused about identity.
Angry at self and others.
Guilty about everything she's ever done, about everything that's been done to her, or that she's thought about.
Difficulty separating what she's done from what's been done to her.
Afraid of men; doesn't trust other women.
Frustrated and uncertain about life and goals.
Depressed, but doesn't know why.
Doesn't trusts her own judgment.
Believes the world would be better off without her.
Hurts all the time; exhausted.
Can't keep up with everyone else.
Feels everyone is looking at her and can see right through her.
Behavior:
Can't make decisions.
Allows others to abuse her further.
Always takes the blame; accepts guilt and responsibility.
Tries to be perfect.
Experiences sexual problems in marriage--frigid, disinterested, or excessively interested in sex; Repulsed by sexual activity.
Seeks affection inappropriately.
Has many health problems.
Afraid of close relationships with men.
Cranky, angry, abusive, afraid.
Very active in Church/ultra religious.
Very compassionate with others.
Serves others but finds it does not build a sense of self-worth.
Sacrifices anything for children and husband, but doesn't take time for self.
As the young adult matures emotionally, the awareness of things lacking in her development leads her to compensate in other areas of her life. Yet, those accomplishments are hollow victories and seem like a poor substitute for her desire to be acceptable to herself and to feel acceptable to others.
Please realize that you do not have to have all the symptoms.
Most areas have some type of Woman's Crisis Center that is available for help 24 hours a day. LDS Family Services has many offices in Utah and other areas that can offer help. You can contact the LDSFS in your area directly. You do not have to go through an ecclesiastical leader.
24 hr help line
1-888-421-1100
Please feel free to contact me with any questions or comments at goopitter@gmail.com
Wow! I cannot even tell you how happy I am that I waited to publish this post until I had all of the information that I needed. And please, please email my friend if you have any questions. It’s pretty fantastically clear that she has been there before and knows what she’s talking about and I know that she will be a great support to you if you let her! But hey, we’re not done yet. I will continue this discussion with a second installment (because this post is already really long) that will be posted on Monday. It will address:
Part III: To Women Who Think They are relatively healthy/unscathed in the sex/marriage department (i.e. no physical/hormonal issues and no past history of sexual abuse.) yet, you somehow STILL could “do without.”
Because there are still a lot of other issues that factor into why so many women can
“do without…like, for forever and ever.”
In summary, I just want to say: I do not feel that I was violently sexually abused, but my trust was violated (I think deeper than I ever knew or acknowledged at the time) and it had a lasting effect on my future relationships all the way up until I met my husband. And a big problem is: some of you are being affected by past abuse well into your present marriages, and you may not even know it! That is the point. We don’t want old baggage wreaking havoc in our lives and causing us to shut out GOOD men who are loving, and kind, and deserving of our trust and love in return. Some of you may not be in a position to let them in yet, and that’s why you are so lucky to have husbands who will love and see you through this, and also many resources where you can get HELP! But therapists can’t help you if they don’t know who you are, so take a deep breath, get your courage up (even if only for long enough to send an email) and they can walk you through the rest!
For those of you who may be wondering how I have a healthy relationship with my husband (or if I even do) since the “basement incident of 1996” was so traumatic for me… Well, we really do have a great intimate relationship, and over the last couple of days, I have thought a lot about that. My best explanation is that it was my relationship with Kyle (a.k.a. the hubs) that helped heal the trust issues I had developed (and that had perpetuated themselves) up to that point.
Our story (well, some of it). When we met, we really fell for each other (like, hard). We spent every waking moment together. I met him on campus after our first morning class and we had breakfast, then we met up again for lunch, then, with classes over for the day, we shopped, went to Galaxy Diner and ordered milk shakes and beer-battered fries, caught an early movie, went dancing at local house parties (he was a break dancer, so we went to a lot of parties with his B-Boy buddies) then we went to his house with 20 of our friends and hung out till 2:00 a.m. Then we separated, went to sleep, and met up first thing the next morning. For 3 months straight we did not spend ONE day apart, and for 3 months straight (get ready for this part) he did not kiss me. I repeat, we spent all day every day together for 90 days, and not once did he try to kiss me. Wow. It was so awesome. He gave me the time and space I needed to fall in love with him (mentally, and emotionally) without making me feel confused or violated by making our relationship physical (in any way) until I was ready.
On the evening of our three month anniversary, we were on a walk by the Provo River. As we got halfway across a bridge, he stopped walking. Then he told me that he loved me. Then…we kissed, and my head almost exploded. Yeah, it was that good. I had never felt anything like that in the entirety of my life. I could have kissed him for days on end. It felt tingly, and exhilarating, and crazy, and good, and amazing, and most importantly, it felt RIGHT and SAFE. Yep, pretty much for the first time ever. And it didn’t sour my feelings toward him. In fact, it only made them stronger. And he has never violated my trust, not ever. Thus, I’ve wanted to jump on him (like, daily) ever since. So, I feel like my “issues” have resolved themselves THROUGH a healthy relationship, but when I read my friend’s email and the definitions of sexual abuse, it gave me great insight to why I’d had such a hard time having healthy relationships leading up to that point. A bunch of poor, unsuspecting guys (who were perfectly nice and clueless about my “issues”) made the horrendous mistake of kissing me before I was ready and then they really got the old run around! (Whoops, sorry y’all!) I really hope this helps someone (anyone) “make the connection” and begin NOW to clear out any mental garbage that has been plaguing their relationships.
I also hope that any single girls will be inspired to take their power back NOW. Don’t kiss a guy just because you feel cornered and don’t know else to do. Don’t betray yourself and your personal comfort zones in the name of “not hurting/embarrassing/offending” someone else. Make the 29 year old Lola proud and learn to stand up for yourself BEFORE you are married and 29!
And most of all, to all abuse victims out there, PLEASE don’t let past garbage continue to taint and harm what could be a beautiful relationship with a wonderful and deserving guy! What happened to you is not your fault, and you don’t deserve to live a less fulfilled life because of something that happened TO you in your past. Shoot my friend an email, get the help and guidance that will start you on the road to creating the life you want!
As for the rest of you – check in with me Monday!
Oh and to the last “Anonymous” commenter:
Anonymous said...
I'm with anonymous #1. I could do without. My questions are: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? And if you ruled the world, would everyone get free cupcakes? ;)
1. I am a crazy tootsie roll nut (much like that strange, pompous owl) who bites through the sucker to get to the delish tootsie roll center. So, my answer is FIVE.
2. Yes! (but they’d have to do something awesome like help build a new house for someone in Haiti first, of course)
*Also, please feel free to sound off and comment (anonymously, of course) about experiences you may have had, or to add anything you’d like to add to our discussion, or to say “Lola – you are a dummy, stop acting like you know what you’re talking about!” or you know, whatever you want to say. I think it’s important for us to let each other know that we’re not alone. I also think that if you had an “aha moment” while reading this, you might give someone else an “aha moment” by sharing your “aha moment” via anonymous comment, and we will have a chain reaction of “aha moments” and I will soon be in a mighty position of power and primed and ready to take Oprah’s job next year! (Bwah ha ha ha ha!) Or we will all just help each other along, and share special cyber hugs, and Oprah will eventually sue me (I don’t know, for my awesome van or something) for biting the phrase “aha moment”! It will be so great! So what are you waiting for? Let’s get the ball rolling!
In summary, I just want to say: I do not feel that I was violently sexually abused, but my trust was violated (I think deeper than I ever knew or acknowledged at the time) and it had a lasting effect on my future relationships all the way up until I met my husband. And a big problem is: some of you are being affected by past abuse well into your present marriages, and you may not even know it! That is the point. We don’t want old baggage wreaking havoc in our lives and causing us to shut out GOOD men who are loving, and kind, and deserving of our trust and love in return. Some of you may not be in a position to let them in yet, and that’s why you are so lucky to have husbands who will love and see you through this, and also many resources where you can get HELP! But therapists can’t help you if they don’t know who you are, so take a deep breath, get your courage up (even if only for long enough to send an email) and they can walk you through the rest!
For those of you who may be wondering how I have a healthy relationship with my husband (or if I even do) since the “basement incident of 1996” was so traumatic for me… Well, we really do have a great intimate relationship, and over the last couple of days, I have thought a lot about that. My best explanation is that it was my relationship with Kyle (a.k.a. the hubs) that helped heal the trust issues I had developed (and that had perpetuated themselves) up to that point.
Our story (well, some of it). When we met, we really fell for each other (like, hard). We spent every waking moment together. I met him on campus after our first morning class and we had breakfast, then we met up again for lunch, then, with classes over for the day, we shopped, went to Galaxy Diner and ordered milk shakes and beer-battered fries, caught an early movie, went dancing at local house parties (he was a break dancer, so we went to a lot of parties with his B-Boy buddies) then we went to his house with 20 of our friends and hung out till 2:00 a.m. Then we separated, went to sleep, and met up first thing the next morning. For 3 months straight we did not spend ONE day apart, and for 3 months straight (get ready for this part) he did not kiss me. I repeat, we spent all day every day together for 90 days, and not once did he try to kiss me. Wow. It was so awesome. He gave me the time and space I needed to fall in love with him (mentally, and emotionally) without making me feel confused or violated by making our relationship physical (in any way) until I was ready.
On the evening of our three month anniversary, we were on a walk by the Provo River. As we got halfway across a bridge, he stopped walking. Then he told me that he loved me. Then…we kissed, and my head almost exploded. Yeah, it was that good. I had never felt anything like that in the entirety of my life. I could have kissed him for days on end. It felt tingly, and exhilarating, and crazy, and good, and amazing, and most importantly, it felt RIGHT and SAFE. Yep, pretty much for the first time ever. And it didn’t sour my feelings toward him. In fact, it only made them stronger. And he has never violated my trust, not ever. Thus, I’ve wanted to jump on him (like, daily) ever since. So, I feel like my “issues” have resolved themselves THROUGH a healthy relationship, but when I read my friend’s email and the definitions of sexual abuse, it gave me great insight to why I’d had such a hard time having healthy relationships leading up to that point. A bunch of poor, unsuspecting guys (who were perfectly nice and clueless about my “issues”) made the horrendous mistake of kissing me before I was ready and then they really got the old run around! (Whoops, sorry y’all!) I really hope this helps someone (anyone) “make the connection” and begin NOW to clear out any mental garbage that has been plaguing their relationships.
I also hope that any single girls will be inspired to take their power back NOW. Don’t kiss a guy just because you feel cornered and don’t know else to do. Don’t betray yourself and your personal comfort zones in the name of “not hurting/embarrassing/offending” someone else. Make the 29 year old Lola proud and learn to stand up for yourself BEFORE you are married and 29!
And most of all, to all abuse victims out there, PLEASE don’t let past garbage continue to taint and harm what could be a beautiful relationship with a wonderful and deserving guy! What happened to you is not your fault, and you don’t deserve to live a less fulfilled life because of something that happened TO you in your past. Shoot my friend an email, get the help and guidance that will start you on the road to creating the life you want!
As for the rest of you – check in with me Monday!
Oh and to the last “Anonymous” commenter:
Anonymous said...
I'm with anonymous #1. I could do without. My questions are: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? And if you ruled the world, would everyone get free cupcakes? ;)
1. I am a crazy tootsie roll nut (much like that strange, pompous owl) who bites through the sucker to get to the delish tootsie roll center. So, my answer is FIVE.
2. Yes! (but they’d have to do something awesome like help build a new house for someone in Haiti first, of course)
*Also, please feel free to sound off and comment (anonymously, of course) about experiences you may have had, or to add anything you’d like to add to our discussion, or to say “Lola – you are a dummy, stop acting like you know what you’re talking about!” or you know, whatever you want to say. I think it’s important for us to let each other know that we’re not alone. I also think that if you had an “aha moment” while reading this, you might give someone else an “aha moment” by sharing your “aha moment” via anonymous comment, and we will have a chain reaction of “aha moments” and I will soon be in a mighty position of power and primed and ready to take Oprah’s job next year! (Bwah ha ha ha ha!) Or we will all just help each other along, and share special cyber hugs, and Oprah will eventually sue me (I don’t know, for my awesome van or something) for biting the phrase “aha moment”! It will be so great! So what are you waiting for? Let’s get the ball rolling!
12 comments:
This is a really, truly wonderful post. It is so important for people to feel like they aren't alone and have a forum to discuss sensitive issues like this with others. Thank you for opening the door - I'm sure it will help many.
Good information here Lola. While in high school (1988) we watched a short clip on the long term impact of abuse. Husband had been drinking, tried snuggling up to his wife, that mix brought up memories of being abused for the wife and things turned off badly. It was an odd moment as I knew I would be in a similar situation one day, e.g. Clueless husband (sans-beer) married to a woman who had been abused.
Sure enough, one week after I proposed (1993) my fiancé asked me to take her to see Provo Temple. While walking the grounds, she told me that she had been molested as a child. She knew it wasn't her fault but also didn't want me to marry "damaged goods" without knowing. That day in 1988 returned to my memory.
For six years we battled with her past and the impact on our present was traumatic at best. Sex often turned from tenderness to uncontrollable tears. Most disturbing was that the more tender and truly intimate the moment, the more likely and more violent the tears. Casual encounters rarely brought out any emotion but left us both less than satisfied.
Finally in 1999 it happened. One of the most tender moments we had ever experienced erupted into torrents of sobbing. I took my wife by her shoulders, made her look at me and I said enough. Enough running from the past, enough pretending that it will just go away. You are going to call the bishop now or I will and you WILL tell him everything (in person of course) and you WILL get the help you need, the help WE need.
The next day we were in the bishop's office and my wife shared this burden with the bishop. He was very frank, told us that there was little he personally could do beside pray and support us but that he wanted us to go to LDS Family Services right away. He would give us whatever financial assistance we needed to resolve this and he warned us to not wait, not put it off.
I attended two meetings with my wife, the other two or three were her alone. We defined some boundaries: Flannel PJs meant anything more than just a gentle hug was unwanted. Slowly we built what had never truly existed in our 6 years of marriage, intimate trust. Today those flannel PJs don't mean anything other than it's cold. I still get the "cold shoulder" now and then but there's no pain of rejection, no fear that the memory of another is haunting my wife.
HUSBANDS: If you know your wife has suffered abuse, DO NOT let her suffer! She needs you to be her knight in shining armor. As Lola points out, abuse steals one's power. Those who have been abused need someone to rescue them whether it's dating for 3 months without a kiss and then receiving an enlightening email or a loving husband "forcing" the issue. Get your dear wife the [professional] help she needs.
Oh Laura this was so good. My dad gave me permission to punch a boy in the nose if he ever tried to get me to do anything that made me uncomfortable. And then say "that was from my dad!"
Oh how I wish I would've done it....I certainly had opportunities! I wish I could've gone back to that 16 year old girl and screamed in her ear. You offered a lot of great insight about things I've never thought of.
Also, I loved your love story about you and Kyle! It's so romantic and what a gentleman!
You've got a keeper!
Oh anonymous HUSAND! Your comment brought tears to my eyes. You are such a wonderful person, and I'm so happy that you shared your story so that other women can get a glimpse of the kind of support system their husbands can be if they will let them!
It's also great that you called husbands to action, because it's very true that we often think we can handle a burden (no matter how large) ourselves, and OFTEN need intervention on our behalf.
Thank you so, so much for adding your unique perspective.
Lindsay!
The "punch from your dad" things made me laugh out loud!! How is it possible that I didn't do that?! You know? Punching a guy in the nose for invading my space is sooo much more suited to my personality ;)
I guess that just goes to show how easily even strong personalities can be thrown off by a sudden "come on" that they aren't prepared for.
I'm glad it gave you insight too! Writing this was very theraputic for me. It gave me the understanding I needed to cut that 16 year old some slack and say "You did the best you could with what you had, and you learned a lot in the process!" I think I've beat that 16 year old up (in my head) a lot over the years, but the point is, it wasn't her fault, and I can make (and have made) better decisions from here on out!
Yeah, that Kyle of mine... what on earth did I ever do to deserve him? I feel like I've won the lottery most days! ;)
Love you!
Thank you for this post. A few years ago I was doing some soul searching on why I didn't enjoy, even DREADED intimacy. I wanted to enjoy it, it just seemed impossible. After talking with a friend I realized that some things that happened in my past were affecting my view of everything sexual. I don't know if the things that happened to me were technically "abuse" but you have made me realize that giving it a name is not important, the fact that it is affecting my marriage is what is important. Identifying what is causing it is half the problem...after that I'm not quite sure where to go...if I need professional help or what...perhaps I will email your friend :) I, like you, have the best hubby in the whole world and he doesn't deserve to suffer intimately (I don't either!) because of the crap that happened in the past!! Thanks for your candid writing. You are helping people on a topic that is hard to talk about.
Wow Laura! I thought, "How on Earth will she handle this question!"
Well done my friend. So well, I'm sharing certain parts with my 16 year old brother to let him know that if he were to ever try to corner a girl into a kiss - it could bring lifelong sexual (trust) issues for her.
Nisha - Kyle just said the same thing to me! He said: "That's really good babe, I want to save this and read it to Kortland when he gets older so that he will never make that kind of a mistake with anyone he dates." And I thought "Yes!" Guys need to know to back off JUST as much as girls need to be encouraged to stand up for themselves, and who is going to teach them if we don't?
Anonymous #3 - Thank you for your feedback! It's nice to know that I am even remotely on the right track here. But, I guess when we're honest and speak from the heart we can't really go wrong. You should definitely email my friend! What could it hurt? Her advice is 100% confidential (yes, even from me and anyone/everyone else) not to mention totally free! It's a great place to start :) I'm so happy that you have an awesome hubs who will be a great support as you work through this!
Awesome post Lola! You have provided people with some amazing information and resources that they may not have realized they had. One thing I kept thinking about while I was reading your post is another VERY COMMON issue among people who are abused when they are young. Often when I child is abused in such a way, they hold a part of that victimized little spirit with them, and may continue to be victimized throughout their life. I am a survivor of child molestation at a very young age, and then again a few different times throughout my growing up years. I continued to be a victim (though I didn't realize that's what was going on) well into college, where I was sexually assaulted by a guy I met at a party. After a complete breakdown, I was referred to an Adults Molested as Children group at LDS Family Services. They initially placed me there thinking it would help me because of my recent attack; however, it got me into a circumstance where I could deal with all of the issues I had never brought up before. I met, got to know, and came to love, many other women whose lives were affected DAILY by the abuse they suffered as children. Practically every woman in this group was on medication for some sort of anxiety/depression/mental disorder and each were plagued by their past events; even down to their every day decision making now as adults. I was determined not to let the victimized little me continue to rule my life. From there I made changes and realized that I often placed myself into positions that left me open and ready to be victimized. I have dealt with things, and live a much greater life because of it!
That said, if you know someone who is or has been a victim, PLEASE do anything you can to assist them in getting the help they need to deal with the past. Only by dealing with an awful history, can we move forward into a better future.
Thanks Lola for putting this out there. You rock!
Someone "grabbed" me when I was in grade school. In high school and college I dated boys who were very grabby and I couldn't say no to them. I don't know if it was fear of being rejected or being alone or what, but I ask myself why I let them do that. I've pushed my husband away and really hurt his feelings because he genuinely loves me and wants to be close to me. But I have this overwhelming need to control things.
Thank you for this post. It has started some wheels turning for me. I will be talking to my daughter when she's old enough so hopefully she won't go through some of things I have.
Hey what's going on here?!! It's now wednesday and you said we should check in on Monday for an update. Come on Lola get on it! The women of the world that could just "do without" are all anxiously waiting.....We all need you expert advice. :-)
I 2nd that motion!! Give it to us "The ones that just don't want it"! Let's hear it Lola!!!!! I told my Husband about this and he keeps checking in and then telling me "that Lola has not posted it yet"!!:( So......SAVE ME!!
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