Saturday, March 13, 2010
Ask Lola: Lovesick in Laverkin (okay, didn't technically say she's from Laverkin, but she might be for all we know, and that title is AWESOME, no?)
My best friends have been boys my whole life. I usually only have one or two girlfriends at a time but a whole slew of really close guy friends. I like this most of the time. However, there is almost always one of the group of guys that I'm actually romantically interested in, but I rarely say anything. I cross my fingers and hope that he'll initiate something. (It has worked a few awesome times in the past.)
I'm in that predicament right now. I want so desperately to tell the one guy that I see differently than all the others that I like him. Yet I always chicken out. I fear that I am so deep in the "friend zone" that I see no way out.
I hoped that this most recent time would be different. His roommate was thinking on the same lines as me and suggested to the boy I'm interested in that he should date me. His response? We're "too good of friends". Heaven forbid you get along with the person you date!
Help. Is there any hope for dating this guy? Is it possible to bust out of the friend zone and into his heart?
If not, how do I prevent this from happening yet again?
Oh! I sort of HATE that I’m pretty much going to have to be the bearer of bad news to someone who is clearly awesome and beyond worthy of being with someone she really loves/cares about/is attracted to, but brace yourself, I’m just gonna rip the band-aid off, here goes: It sounds like “He’s Just Not That Into You.” There, I said it. (Please don’t kill the messenger.) Just for the record, I am officially leaving a 5% chance that I could be wrong here, but I’m 95% sure that it’s not meant to be – and this is why:
I’ve been on both sides of this, and I have also now found the love of my life (which, unfairly enough, is when MOST of the relationship clarity comes – NOT when you’re in the thick of it and need that wisdom MOST! Curse you life! And curse your funny ways of teaching us (much too slowly) and your little dog - if you have one - too! When you find the real thing, (and I have every confidence that you WILL) you’ll be able to look back and compare (and laugh, like a lot) and go “Oh! I get it – he was so not into me, and that’s okay because he stayed out of my way so the guy that is so, so, SO (like, way) into me could find me! Yay him! Yay life! (But right now, it sort of sucks huh?) I know.
But let me explain further:
Reason I know what I’m talking about #1:
I know how you feel because I totally hung out with (and had major crushes) on guy friends that thought we were “Too good of friends” too! And it sort of bummed me out, but when I really thought about it, I came to the conclusion that I wanted a guy who was insane about me from moment ONE. Not from moment TWO (or three or four) which goes something like: “I hung out with him non-stop and was the coolest, funniest girl he ever met, and one day, after he’d dated and dumped his 15th hot blonde in 6 months, he finally came to his senses and realized that I (the waify brunette with green eyes and a few too many freckles) was perfect for him.” That option (moment #2) became less and less appealing to me as time went on. And in retrospect, that was a good thing.
When the hubs met me, (in the hall of flags at UVU one fine, February morning) he said to himself: “I am going to pursue this girl at all costs. I don’t care what it takes. I am pulling out all the stops. I will not be deterred. I will swallow fear and pride and just go for her because she is exactly what I want and I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t do everything I can to win her over right now, while I have the chance.” Yep. That’s what he thought. (*sigh* isn’t that great?) And that’s exactly what someone will think about you – when the right guy comes along. And you deserve NOTHING less than the very best. Think about it. You don’t want a guy who thinks “Hmmm, well I haven’t been “moved” to action to take things to the next level, and, well, I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” If he felt for you the way any girl would LIKE a guy to “feel for her” (a.k.a insanely into her) he would risk it all for a chance to be with you. This includes life, limb, fancy car, his lucky snowboard, and yes – even his friendship with you.
Attraction is a funny thing. And it is NECESSARY. (Like…ohhhhh so necessary.) I don’t even have enough time or blog space to go into detail about just how necessary. We would be here all day. So just trust me on this one. And believe me, you don’t want to be with a guy that had to eventually “come around” and talk himself into thinking that he could maybe get around to being into you. (Boo.) Why settle for that when you can be with the guy who was smart enough to realize that you were the bomb.com (and yes, yes you are) from DAY one? I know, right!?
To be fair, I have a few good friends who noticed their boys first, and asked THEM out. The difference is, those guys got “on board” pretty quickly after that. And hey, they even MARRIED them and lived happily ever after. (And seriously, they have GREAT marriages.) This guy has had more than enough time to taste of your inherent (and obvious) awesomeness, and he’s still not biting. That means that the attraction isn’t there on his end. And that’s okay. For the record, I (personally) don’t recommend asking guys out. I have seen a few rare and wonderful cases where it worked out, but MOST of the time you end up wasting a lot of valuable time and energy dating someone who is only half-heartedly pursuing you. Believe me, when “your guy” (You know, THE guy) spots you, NOTHING (I repeat, nothing) is going to stop him from asking you out.
Reason I know what I’m talking about #2
I also have an “insider’ view” on this topic as well because I once had a best friend who was a guy. And I adored him. He was awesome. He was my sanity through high school (and I hated high school…you know, because it was high school-ish). He was insanely smart, and driven, and talented, and adventurous, and goal oriented, and pretty much everything I could ever imagine wanting in a husband. But guess what? I only had friendly feelings for him (even though he was cute and wonderful and on and on and on…). It didn’t matter. I simply couldn’t move beyond friendly feelings.
I wanted to want to kiss him, but I couldn’t make myself want to kiss him – no matter how hard I tried. It was awful. And he never technically asked me to want those things… but when we got to college, the tension got stronger. He was dating tons of girls. And they were totally into him. And I was dating tons of guys. And I don’t even know if they were into me because I didn’t date any of them long enough to find out. (I was a “date and dash and change my phone number and have my roommate lie and say I wasn’t there” kind of girl for quite awhile there – real mature eh?)
I remember one night (during our freshman year in college) he picked me up and took me to see the movie “Life is Beautiful” at a local theatre. (Do you know that movie? The one with a little boy and a dad in a concentration camp during the holocaust…? Heart-wrenchingly beautiful and painful and inspiring… ) and I remember sitting close to him in that dark theatre and having my heart ripped apart by what I was seeing, and having tears stream down my face, and looking at my friend, and seeing that his eyes were full of tears too, and thinking to myself “This is the only guy I can be ‘like this’ with.” I wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed by my tears. I didn’t try to look away, or do the fast blink thing and pray that my eyelashes would fan my eyes dry… I could just give in to what I was feeling (which was a mixture of despair and sorrow mingled with just enough beauty and hope to keep me from wanting to throw myself in front of a speeding bus on the way out of the theatre – in case you were wondering). And on that night, (oh, especially on that night…) I wanted to want him. And I think I almost did. (Almost.)
But starting a relationship wouldn’t have been fair to either of us, most of all him. He deserved nothing less than everything, and he now has a beautiful wife who gives him just that. (yay!) And now I have a husband who is my best friend, and he possesses all of my old best friend’s qualities, plus a few I didn’t even know I wanted. Add to that a heaping helping of enough physical attraction to make my head spin, and a bag of chips…with a cherry on top…Hm!... fancy that… I’m here to tell you, (confidently) that it’s worth waiting for ALL OF IT (not just MOST of it) to be right.
This is why I “get it” and this is why I KNOW that people shouldn’t feel rejected or like they are “less than” or “not good enough” when their feelings for someone aren’t reciprocated. It’s chemistry, babe. Pure and simple. In the words of my favorite Anchor Man (a.k.a. Ron Bugundy) “It’s science.”
And It’s wonderfully fulfilling (explosive even) when you wait for it to be right for BOTH parties involved.
As for the second part of your question, (“How do I prevent this from happening yet again?”)
Um, I don’t know.
(*Gasp!* Is Lola actually ADMITTING that she doesn’t know EVERYTHING? Has hell frozen over? Quick, go look out the window! Are winged pigs oinking their way across a snowy sky? I’m sort of scared right now…)
Yep. That’s right. I .don’t. know. I don’t know that we can help who we fall for.
My best advice is to get and read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Read it cover to cover in one sitting, and follow it like you would the bible, or sound advice from our dear, frugal (and clearly brilliant) President, Mr. Barack Obama. I‘ve found that both sources are equally reliable. (Why yes, my tongue is, in fact, in my cheek right now, pushing really hard. Why do you ask?)
Follow it as if your life depended on it. (For indeed, a good chunk of your future happiness does.) Then I would relax and let life (and love) come to you. It stinks when love doesn’t come right when we want it to, but trying to rush it just doesn’t work. There is a plan for you, and it is fantastic. (I promise.) The only stinky part is that you have to sit around and wait patiently for it to unfold…sometimes verrrrry slowly.
Do yourself a favor and enjoy every minute of it, regardless.