Who would have thought that this:
Could turn into this?:
(after being on the road all of ten minutes)
V: are we in George yet?
Lola: No, it’s going to be a long, long time, kay bud?
V: O tay!
(quiet…for all of two seconds.)
Kortland: Mom! V is trying to steal my magnets! He’s going to…
(the sound of metal and plastic crushing in on itself.)
(hysterical sobbing, his beautiful …magnetic… masterpiece… is…no more!)
Nancy: V! Don’t you touch his magnets!
V: O tay!
(sweetly, he is so on board, I can tell.)
(2 seconds later, more metal crushing in on itself.)
Kortland: I hate these magnets! They’re just so stupid!
R: Oh! (shocked, offended, can’t believe his ears.) Kort, don’t say that! That’s a swear word. Do you know that I said that one time and my mom washed my mouth out with soap?!
Kortland: I didn’t say a swear word! (stupid is a rude word, but not necessarily a SWEAR word, but also NOT a word I want him saying…)
R: Yes you did.
Kortland: Did not!
Kortland: (borderline screeching at the top of his lungs.) DID NOT!
R: Did. Did. Did.
Lola: Okay, okay! Kort, it’s a word that we aren’t going to say, so don’t say it, okay?
Kortland: Oh al-right. (huffy, rolls his eyes. cue sitcom laugh track.)
(30 seconds later, magnetic masterpiece tower collapses..again)
Kortland: Stupid THING!
(smashes the magnets to smithereens, and flings them onto the car floor…yes he gets that from me….Realizes what he’s just said *GASPS* and clamps both hands over his mouth.)
Kortland: Oh, sorry! I forgot.
(he mumbles this through the cracks in his fingers…does he actually think that I brought a bar of soap in the car with me?)
Lola: That’s fine bud, just don’t say it again please. (after all, R looks mildly horrified/aghast/shocked out of his gourd)
Really, Nancy? Just soap?… or is that soap followed by a solid beating and 12 hours of Chinese water torture? Hmmmm…? You’ve got some splainin’ to do…
(blissful, beautiful quiet for another 30 seconds…then V pulls Kortland’s hair and Kortland starts screaming at the top of his lungs . And then I’m yelling… like, the ghetto, “I’m never going to lose it like that when I am the most perfect mom ever someday” kind of yelling.)
Lola: Okay, listen up! If you guys do not sit down, fold your arms, and watch the movie, you’re NOT going swimming!
V: I go swimming in George! I’n a big boy.”
Lola: You have to stop hitting if you want to go swimming in St. George.
V: O tay.
Korltand – talking, talking, talking.
Lola: Kort PLEASE just watch your movie. I have a headache. No more talking.
Kortland- talking, talking, talking.
Lola: Kortland! Okay fine, you’re not going swimming today.
Kortland: Okay, okay, I’ll stop.
Lola: No, I’m sorry bud, you aren’t going.
Kortland: Can I please just have one more chance?
Kortland: Please? Please? Please? Please?
Lola: That’s not helping.
R: (deeply concerned) Mom, I have been trying really, really hard to be good, can we please go swimming when we get to St. George?
(It’s true…he’d been a peach the whole time.)
Nancy: We will have to see.
R: (Sits back in his seat, nervously eyeing Kortland and V… he just knows they’re going to mess this up for him…they always do.)
Kortland: When are we gonna be there?
V: Yeah! When we gonna be ta George?
(followed by more hair pulling, slapping, throwing, fighting, teasing, yelling, and “When are we gonna be there’s. “
QUESTION: Do you have ANY idea how long it takes to drive from Springville to St. George with 3 crazy cousins in the car?
ANSWER: Roughly 12 hours…or so it feels.