EDWARD SAYS:
"I really really want to eat your face - right now."
OR
"Something reeks in here."
OR
"I must have missed the part in the book where Stephenie Meyer said that Edward is the hottest, pimpest, suavest, smoothest operator that ever lived. When they said I was playing "Edward" I figured that they were doing some sort of sequel to Edward Scissor Hands, so I kinda took it in that direction... ooops."
LAURA SAYS:...okay okay, now don't get too worked up, ladies. I am about to admit that he pulled it together in the end, and when they stopped caking his face with mime/clown/goth make-up -about 45 excruciating minutes into it - I must admit he looked considerably "more hot." (Not KYLE hot by any means, but considerably hotter than he looked during the first 45...)
JASPER SAYS:
"I have to eat you RIGHT NOW (or go number two RIGHT NOW...I'm not really sure which it is...) Look at my face, do I have to bite someone...or go number two? Just look at me. The expression on my face should say it all. It will tell you everything you need to know about my current emotional state."
"I know I should have told the hair and make-up people to back off... but I just thought they were so courageous to leave the comfort of their mom's basement and try something that they'd never tried before...I just didn't want to crush their hopes and dreams before they'd really had a chance to take flight, ya know?"
"I don't mind being a pale, girlie, freakish guinea pig, and I don't mind looking like a blonde, constipated Edward Scissor Hands...isn't that the point? The hero IS Edward after all, and I am HIS BROTHER."
(the first time)
ROSALIE SAYS:
"I am like, totally bitter and peeved at EVERYONE cause I'm hot and edgy and can break glass bowls with my bare hands."
"I also use my family's bajillions to buy top of the line Hello Kitty Stripper Heels at Hot Topic like, WHENEVER I feel like it!"
(cheese makes me all sorts of gag-y)
*
*
*
A few private,"post-show" moments:
Why did I go?
Why did they cast...ANY of them?
(okay, minus....Charlie. That's it. Oh and Jessica too - HI-LARIOUS!)
Why didn't I wait for the dollar theatre?
Why did I see it...WELL...ever - and risk tainting my obsessive imaginings of the TRUE Bella and Edward?
Why is Stephenie Meyer pretending to be cool with "Summit Entertainment" turning her masterpiece into a Lifetime Original Movie?
Why didn't I go see Quantum of Solace instead and spend two blissful hours drooling over the real-est, hott-est, BOND-i-est BOND to ever come into existence?
It was only $8.50...
That I could have sent to Africa to feed a household for six months...
Thanks a lot Summit.
This is my "oh well" face.
This is my "it's okay" face.
This is my... well... you get the idea.
In Summary:
1. I had a fantastic night (the blue crab cakes at CPK are TO DIE people!)
Ashee-poo and Kass are LOVELY.
2. When you get past the horrendous hair/make-up/styling/amateurish camera angling/direction/not staying true to the book-i-ness of the film - it wasn't so bad!
3. My world has not, in reality, crumbled down around me as a result of the overall poopiness of this film. Now, if Quantum of Solace disappoints (ha! not likely!) that may be another story...
4. I had fun.
5. I am SO going to go see New Moon in all it's horrific badness. Maybe after Bella and Edward read my critiques, (I hear that they are completely obsessed with my blog) they'll totally fix a few (or a million) things before they ruin, I mean, film New Moon. That would be nice. But, you know actors - so much ego. They'll probably just "do it their way" again. But I figure hey, Bella has positively NO EMOTION - so why should I? I'm cool with it. Really.
18 comments:
Oh. My. Goodness!!! This is too funny! I saw the movie on Friday, and I promptly came home and took many self portraits of my reactions throughout the movie. I have my post ready to go, for Tuesday.
I couldn't agree more with everything you said here! Oh, and my Edward impersonation is slightly more constipated.
I had to write several drafts to tone down the meanness. I don't want to get that many hate comments.
You critic you, why can't you just relax and enjoy the damn movie? OK you read the series and I didn't, I guess you can be a little more opinionated. loved the pics bahahaha
Oh come on now...it wasn't THAT bad! I l-o-v-e-d the books, but I also liked the movie (not loved, but enjoyed). There are definitely moments of "oh brother...really?" and Jasper was a little possesed...but other than that, when watched with the mind set of "I will not compare this movie to the book" it was alright! Just my opinion..I still laughed my buns off at your post! You crack me up!
I know, I really enjoyed it too, in all it's ridiculous glory!I just figured everyone might enjoy a plethura of ungly/obnoxious Laura photos... that's all ;)
LAURA I LOVE YOU!!! yes you have a point or two, but I guess I'm just more forgiving & nice than you. Maybe not as cynical. jk. You certainly do a better constipated Edward face than me, so ya got me there. LOL has never been more true.
You. Are. Hilarious.
Seriously. That was too funny. I may have to watch the movie just to laugh at it. Peer pressure won't get me to read the books though. Sorry.
your hilarious!! I have yet to read any of the books or see the movie...now I know to wait to rent it at Blockbuster HA
AMEN!!
OMG! You need to see it with 2 teenage girls. I borrowed Reagy's cute, spolied step sisters and her Range Rover and went to see it again. And it was marvelous!
AND PLUS...it's a movie about a vampire and an socially retarded girl. You were expecting good?
I love you Laura!!! You put into words (& pictures) exactly what I thought about the movie, although Edward looked more constipated than Jasper the entire movie & what was up with the way he held his mouth? I have to say that it took more than 45 minutes for him to actually warm up to me. Try the dancing scene at prom! Why couldn't he look like that the entire movie? Don't know that it would have made much of a difference though with his mouth! Anyway, thanks for the laugh! Hysterical!
You're too funny. YOu have the most entertaining blog!
agreed... the movie was near disaster... i think they got alice and renee right... the rest... WRONG! ugh... Jasper just looked constipated, Rosalie had WAY too much attitude, Edward wasn't suave at all!!, Esme was WAY too perky, Carlisle's hair!!! EEK... but hey... the movie had it's moments!! the baseball scene was awesome and i love the song.. and the scene where Bella was having flashbacks while they were burning up James... pretty awesome as well...
Cracking up right now!!
Laura you a freakin hilarious, I think I peed my pants!! j/k Felt exactly the same way as you about this movie! I knew it was going to be bad but still had to see the train wreck for myself!
Yaaaaay! - we're so "kindred" baby!
I just read this. Ha! I saw that you posted about the Twilight but didn't want to read it for fear that it would ruin my movie going experience. And I will just say... the movie did that all on it's own!
Ha ha! I know right?
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