Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Curse You Obama!

So, Kyle did laundry all weekend (yes, he does laundry - he just took it over one day and I have pretty much been banned from the laundry room ever since. I think it's therapeutic for him or something.) I know what you're thinking -but NO, my husband is not a robot. By some absolute miracle I, with my flawed, temperamental, high-maintenance little self managed to snag the world's most perfect man. I know. Don't hate. But that's so not what this post is about. (As I'm fairly certain you have gathered from the title) So, I had like, TEN loads of laundry that I needed to fold and I decided that 9:00 a.m. on Monday morning (during "Live with Regis and Kelly") would be the perfect time to do it. Well, 9:00 rolled around and I eagerly made my way to the living room where the piles o' providence awaited me, and what did I find?

Him.
Talking about the economy, and the super-star financial team he has assembled to help our nation in it's time of great need and such and blah, blah, blabbity blah, and you know what I said?
NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Every time I turn around, there he is. I am so sick of it I swear, if he interrupts EVEN ONE more a.m. rendezvous with my favorite morning show peeps, I'm going to kick his fame-loving, change-promising butt! I've had it! Barack, it's not all about you baby. I know it's felt like it over the past bazillion months, but that ends NOW - so knock it off! We're back to life being all about Kelly and her fabulous shoes so stop with the snore-inducing news conferences already!
Go ahead and make a "CHANGE." In fact, go ahead and make several, but can you please try and do it without constantly interrupting delightful, frivolous morning television and expecting us to pat you on the back every step of the way? You're a big boy. We don't need to know about it every time you hire a new cabinet member, sneeze, or have to go potty. Just do your thing and leave television to the television people. We'll all be here to worship you when the U.S. is raised to a state of Utopia never before accomplished in the history of mankind, (I promise, we totally will) but until then, CHILL with the play-by-play! And don't get me wrong, Barack. I don't hate you, in fact, I believe in you! I know you can do it baby, just do it without depriving me of my Kelly fix mmmmkay?
So, just so we're clear, let's review.
At nine o' clock in the a.m. I want to see:
a. Kelly and her awesome outfit and awesome shoes and awesome biceps...
OR

b. Barack in his same suit, saying the same stuff, sporting biceps that are somewhat less amazing. 

A! That's right. Let's try another one:
At nine o' clock in the a.m. I want to hear:


a. "The other day, Lola said the funniest thing..."
OR

b. "Hillary Clinton is the new Secretary of State...blah blah blah."

A! right again. (you guys are so smart.)
I wanna know all about Kelly's workout routines, eating habits, vacations, clothes... you name it!
and you wanna know what I really don't want to know about? You guessed

Just so you know, when I pick up an issue of People Magazine, I want to know one of three things:
***
1. The current status of Jennifer Love Hewitt's large, cellulite-ridden buttocks.
2. The number of people that caught Nicole Richie throwing up in public bathrooms over the week end.
AND
3. How many children "Brangelina" have...now. and what about ....now? and ...right now? But how many are growing in her belly? ....and how many are they currently adopting from various countries around the globe? K, it took me a couple of minutes to type this...so how many children do you think they have acquired since the start of this blog? ...like riiiiiiiiiiiiiight-----NOW? 3? 4? I wouldn't know, cause when I went to grab my weekly dose of "People" smut, it had Obama on the cover - "The Obamas' new life?" who cares? Yeah, yeah, they are gonna have a big party, move into the White House, and slowly but surely take over morning television (big brother style yo!) with endless rants about how he's fixing the economy, establishing world peace, and having eggs benedict for breakfast. Yada yada yada - I don't care! At 9:00 a.m.I want fluff people! I want to listen to mindless socialite chatter, gross/sassy/cute child stories, and endless talk about shoes-shoes-and more shoes! Got it? (Oh, and I also want to watch Regis mispronounce the names of GIGANTIC celebrities over and over and over again! That's my favorite. I am also delighted to no end when he does things like call Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Garner...oh Regis, how I adore you and your 102 year old mind!) Keep 'em comin' big daddy!
***
DISCLAIMER: Laura Dugovic and the associates of Laura Dugovic Inc. in no way hate the current President Elect or his numerous cabinet members. If you believe this to be so, you are sorely mistaken. You are certainly more than welcome to place a whiny, argumentative comment about Obama's inherent awesomeness at the end of this post, but you may or may not do so at you're own peril. If you choose to post such a comment, I believe that Carrie's mom said it best when she said "They're all gonna laugh at you!" Because, indeed - we are. This is all in good fun, NOT all in great anger! I'm just havin' some sassy fun with my bad self, join in why don't ya?
***
MUAH!
Stay tuned for "Christmas Extravaganza!"
Coming SOON to a blog near YOU ...or is it me?

11 comments:

nancy said...

You will now be added to the FBI's most watched list. They will be monitoring every click of your keyboard for Obama hate!

Kristen said...

i didn't read your twilight blog until this morning because i hadn't seen the movie and i didn't want your opinion/review to effect my own as i watched the movie (good or bad! i really had no idea if you loved it or not!) anyway, sweet thing, you are so right on the money with me it's scary! i 100% agree with your brilliant (pictures and all?!? very impressive) entry! i went to see it last night and it was a major let down.. in fact twenty minutes into the movie i turned to my friend and said i felt like i was watching a pbs after school special! i'm glad i went and i too am anxiously awaiting new moon (victoria and her cliffhanger... ooooooohhhhhh)! how funny. we are such dorks. love ya!

Janyece said...

Hilarious!

Natasha Ireland said...

All that passion bundled up in one tiny body :)

Dugovic Domain said...

Ha ha ha! It's pretty risky to get between a girl and her shoes... (and fluff and gossip ;)

L. Price said...

I cannot sympathize with you in any way seeing as Kelly Ripa makes me want to polish off a bottle of merlot at 9 am.

Dugovic Domain said...

Ahhh ha ha ha ha! Lisa, Lisa, Lisa....

Celeste said...

not a fan of kelly or regis, but i am a fan of laura dugovic & her sassy ass. here is your fortune for the day: "your blog is going to hit the big time because it is soooo much more entertaining than not only Barak, but also even more entertaining than kelly & her shoes." Yeah, looks like soon you'll be paying the bills with ad space in your side columns. I knew that sassiness would pay off one day. seriously, keep it comin'.

Dugovic Domain said...

Ha ha! Celeste, you just automatically won whatever give away I'm doing next you sweetie you. ;0) Jeez! I think the same thing about your blog - you CRACK me up. I'm pretty sure we're supposed to be next door neighbors...we should get to work on that.

Celeste said...

sweeeeet! make it a good one, K?

Yes, why on earth must you insist upon living in Utah county? We actually do need to play. I think we should be best friends by now 'cept we never see each other. boo.

Mrs. Cheeseball said...

Amen! Hallelujah! And praise the Lord! You hit the nail right on the head!