Couponing {and such}

I have a confession.

{Well, two... actually.}

One, is that I have recently become OBSESSED with getting a year's supply of food storage for my family.

Like, nerdy obsessed.

Like, you would laugh at me really hard if you even had the slightest sliver of an idea as to just exactly HOW obsessed...

Like, I can hardly have a conversation with anyone about anything OTHER than food storage and survival gear obsessed... (just ask Celeste, she'll tell you.)

Like, I'm officially "that weird girl at the party who is a big ol' Debbie Downer who keeps on leewaying every. single. conversation. into some random discussion about food storage" obsessed...

{but I suppose that is a post for another day...}

And two, I have a deep and abiding jealousy of girls who are ridiculously rad {yes, I just said rad} couponers.

They post pictures of their hauls on facebook and on their blogs {photos of something like, oh, I don't know, 10 bottles of lotion, 23 boxes of fruits snacks, 2 packages of Qtips, and roughly 3,000 diapers on their dining room table...} and then they say:

"Got all of this for $9.35!"

And I immediately turn a sickly-sad shade of Hulkish green.

Let me put this into perspective for you:

I'm not jealous of people who have amazing cars.

I'm not jealous of people who have huge houses.

I'm not jealous of people who throw ridiculous, over-the-top parties for their 2 year olds {who frankly, couldn't care less about the $4,000 decorations, and instead, spend the bulk of their time crawling in and out of a cardboard box that is clearly more entertaining/desirable than the over the top present it once housed, and then bursting into tears when mom rips them away from said box in order to force them to blow out the candles on their far too expensive cake... }

I'm not jealous of people who are super pretty.

I'm not even jealous of people who are smarter than me. {Which is a good thing, since most people probably are...that could put a serious damper on my social life.}

I AM, however, suuuuper jealous of people who get awesome deals on things.

Ah, yes.

Couponing is the latest craze
{or, even already "getting old"
and "so last season" and such, eh?}.

But I am terrified of it.

Terrified of looking stupid because I got the wrong product for the wrong coupon.
Terrified of snarky clerks rolling their eyes at me and thinking "you crazed little cheapo!" with each and every scan of a coupon.
Terrified of the tapping toes of impatient store customers waiting in line behind me.
Terrified of the exasperated sighs of moms with 4 kids under the age of five hanging over the sides of her shopping cart {wiping boogs on their shirt sleeves and squealing for gum and Ring Pops, no less} waiting in line behind me.

Yep, I think terrified is a pretty fair word to sum up my feelings regarding couponing...

And thus, I have waited on the sidelines.

That is, until now.

I finally went to a class.

It was everything I was afraid it would be.

The presenter was witty, fun, funny, down to earth, and easy to listen to.

She also pulled out a receipt that could stretch from here to Timbuktu. This glorious strip of paper stood as undeniable, irrefutable evidence that getting three hundred and something something dollars worth of stuff for a mere thirteen something something dollars was not ONLY a mere possibility... it was, in fact, a reality.

I was hooked.

The very thought of getting a deal like that sent me on a high that was potent enough to warrant a DD {ahem, meaning a designated driver...not a bra} when attending such seminars in the future.

I went home, talked the hubs' ear off for roughly 2 hours about the exciting world of "FREE!!!", raided my in-laws' newspaper pile, and dug out every coupon booklet they had from the past month and a half.

Then I started clipping.

Even the clipping was heaven.

It's like crafting,
only instead of clipping out pieces of
future modge-podgery,
you are clipping out
colorful pieces of money.

Little gifts of
Dove deodorant,
cheap soup,
and possibilities.

Then, today, I actually went.

Oi.
{understatement}

First there was Smith's.

It took forever to gather my items.

Check coupon, check product.
Check coupon, check product.
Read the fine print.
Read the fine print again
...and again.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
FINALLY
{and I do mean finally}
I get to the register, and I am ready.

I have coupons in hand,
Items laid out in order,
and a plan.

I am not going to make everyone wait
{and tap their toes at me}
while the cashier and I put out fire after fire
of coupon crises....

No, no.
Not me.

But then, the cashier doesn't listen to me,
and she scans an item that I don't want scanned,
and it messes everything up,
and I have to walk her,
step by humiliating step
through the undoing of it
as the line grows behind me.

And it's not exactly rocket science,
but at every turn, she decides to try something else,
rather than just deleting the item
and letting me purchase it separately...
and she is SO DARN NICE
{and thank heaven for that}
but this is absolutely killing me!!!!!!!

What did I spend? $60
What was my savings? $28.
Hardly impressive when compared to the
"10 cents for 2 entire shopping carts full of goodies"
that my couponing goddess of a mentor paid,
but I am undeterred.

On to Rite Aid, where I am certain that my next
SUPER FREE-ISH purchases will make up for the disaster
that was Smith's Marketplace.

I pull into their parking lot,
and perfectly organize my coupons.

I put them in order,
make a game plan,
rehearse how I will walk the clerk through the purchase,
walk into Rite Aid,
make my way to the baby lotion aisle,
make eye contact with the super-smirky manager
{who has a pretty solid reputation of being nasty to couponers}
as I pass,
and find that ALL of the items I came to get
are already completely cleaned out.

Wow.

So I take allllll of those glorious coupons that are supposed to be
"free money"
but are now technically worthless,
and drive {20 freaking minutes!!!! UGH!} home.

Methinks that I may have SERIOUSLY been onto something when I decided that I had no interest WHATSOEVER in couponing.

Last night, I couldn't even sleep for the lamenting of the "free baby lotion loss" that had been suffered so acutely earlier that day...

Unfortunately, my obsessive desire to get a year's supply of food storage, coupled with our limited financial resources may mean that I'm actually insane enough to give this whole hot mess another go round. Hide and watch, dear friends.

{Oh, the humanity.}