30 days of truth {day 3}

{I know JUST how he feels...}

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

In a nutshell, I need to forgive myself for my entire college dating experience and for being an absolute MORON in every. single. relationship. I've ever had {Excluding my marriage, which is a vast improvement over any and every "relationship" - if you can even call them that- prior to it...}

I was so immature. I would sooner duck and hide behind a rack of cleaning supplies at my local Walmart for 20 minutes, make my roommates lie and say I wasn't home, LEAVE TOWN for the weekend, and not go to school or church for days or weeks, than just stinking tell a guy that it wasn't working out and I didn't want to "see" him anymore. So lame.

I also need to forgive myself for letting guys kiss me when I DID NOT {under any circumstances or in any way, sort or form} WANT TO BE KISSED. Sure, it was never more than kissing, but I feel like that alone was SUCH a betrayal of and to myself... and I have yet to let it go. And I'm not sure when I will.

To give you an idea of "How bad this was," allow me to illustrate.

I'd say that I was kissed roughly 20 times during high school and college.
Do you want to know how many of those times I liked it?
That would be, two.

One was a boy that I had had a major crush on ever since we were 5, and he never knew I was even alive and then one day, when I was 16, he FINALLY "noticed" me, and acknowledged that I was alive, and we totally smooched on my grandparent's couch {random, I know} and at the time, I figured I could officially die and go to heaven because BRANDON FREAKING ELDER FINALLY KNEW I {"I" as in, Me, Lola, MEEEEE!} WAS ALIVE !!!

And the other time, it was my husband. {and THAT time, my head almost exploded, I lost all feeling in my legs, Brandon's kiss was sort of, like, "Brandon, who?" and I knew I wanted to kiss that boy for the rest of my ever-lovin' life.}

And no, I'm not kidding.
2 out of 20.
18 other people kissed me and I spent the better part of those kisses trying not to vomit into their respective mouths. How on earth could I have let this go on...roughly EIGHTEEN times?
And yes, there's probably something wrong with me.
And that something might have had something to do with a whole herd of guys kissing me well before I was good and ready...
And it also might have something to do with me being too weak, embarrassed, or what have you to tell them to go fly a kite.

So there it is.

I also need to forgive myself for EVER dating this one guy who was a huge jerk.
He would never call when he said he would.
He would talk all the time about how "hot" certain celebrities were.
He told me I was chunky.
He also told me that I was too pale and looked "paste-y."
He was a first class bum hole.
And I dated him for like, six to eight weeks.
And even as I write this,
I sort of want to SCREAM "What on the planet of EARTH were you THINKING?!!" at myself.
Yeah.
I like to think of myself as a reasonably intelligent person,
but when I remember that I dated that turd
{FOR SIX TO EIGHT WEEKS!!!!!!}
I think,
Nope.
That wasn't smart at. all.
And that makes me sad cause I like to think I'm smart ;)
In my defense, he totally tricked me.
But I should have bailed WAY before I actually did.

There's more, but I think it's safe to say, my entire dating career was an absolute gore-fest. One nightmare after another. Hot. Mess. Yikes. and Ew.

We'll leave it at that.
There.
I've confessed.
Now I guess I'll forgive myself too.
That should be part of this process, yes?
Done and done.