Sunday, January 9, 2011

30 days of truth {day 3}

{I know JUST how he feels...}

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

In a nutshell, I need to forgive myself for my entire college dating experience and for being an absolute MORON in every. single. relationship. I've ever had {Excluding my marriage, which is a vast improvement over any and every "relationship" - if you can even call them that- prior to it...}

I was so immature. I would sooner duck and hide behind a rack of cleaning supplies at my local Walmart for 20 minutes, make my roommates lie and say I wasn't home, LEAVE TOWN for the weekend, and not go to school or church for days or weeks, than just stinking tell a guy that it wasn't working out and I didn't want to "see" him anymore. So lame.

I also need to forgive myself for letting guys kiss me when I DID NOT {under any circumstances or in any way, sort or form} WANT TO BE KISSED. Sure, it was never more than kissing, but I feel like that alone was SUCH a betrayal of and to myself... and I have yet to let it go. And I'm not sure when I will.

To give you an idea of "How bad this was," allow me to illustrate.

I'd say that I was kissed roughly 20 times during high school and college.
Do you want to know how many of those times I liked it?
That would be, two.

One was a boy that I had had a major crush on ever since we were 5, and he never knew I was even alive and then one day, when I was 16, he FINALLY "noticed" me, and acknowledged that I was alive, and we totally smooched on my grandparent's couch {random, I know} and at the time, I figured I could officially die and go to heaven because BRANDON FREAKING ELDER FINALLY KNEW I {"I" as in, Me, Lola, MEEEEE!} WAS ALIVE !!!

And the other time, it was my husband. {and THAT time, my head almost exploded, I lost all feeling in my legs, Brandon's kiss was sort of, like, "Brandon, who?" and I knew I wanted to kiss that boy for the rest of my ever-lovin' life.}

And no, I'm not kidding.
2 out of 20.
18 other people kissed me and I spent the better part of those kisses trying not to vomit into their respective mouths. How on earth could I have let this go on...roughly EIGHTEEN times?
And yes, there's probably something wrong with me.
And that something might have had something to do with a whole herd of guys kissing me well before I was good and ready...
And it also might have something to do with me being too weak, embarrassed, or what have you to tell them to go fly a kite.

So there it is.

I also need to forgive myself for EVER dating this one guy who was a huge jerk.
He would never call when he said he would.
He would talk all the time about how "hot" certain celebrities were.
He told me I was chunky.
He also told me that I was too pale and looked "paste-y."
He was a first class bum hole.
And I dated him for like, six to eight weeks.
And even as I write this,
I sort of want to SCREAM "What on the planet of EARTH were you THINKING?!!" at myself.
I like to think of myself as a reasonably intelligent person,
but when I remember that I dated that turd
I think,
That wasn't smart at. all.
And that makes me sad cause I like to think I'm smart ;)
In my defense, he totally tricked me.
But I should have bailed WAY before I actually did.

There's more, but I think it's safe to say, my entire dating career was an absolute gore-fest. One nightmare after another. Hot. Mess. Yikes. and Ew.

We'll leave it at that.
I've confessed.
Now I guess I'll forgive myself too.
That should be part of this process, yes?
Done and done.


Meredith said...

holy moly, that's a lot of kissing. you win for reals. i've only kissed two peeps in my while life. the second one became my hubby. yeah, so not as cool as the cool kids. i love this post, it made me laugh uber much and that's pretty much one of my fave things to do so ... yes!! ps: your kids are beyond cute. makes me wanna wake up my own baby to play with him. i won't. but i want to!
pps: oh yeah, thanks for the comment! we're so friends now!

Lisa Lou said...

Icky. I hate thinking about that span of my life too. Unfortunately it lasted up until about a year ago. ALSO, I was hung up on a certain snowboarder, slacker, straight up loser for about 5 years so I think your 8 weeks with one is totally acceptable.

ms. marginalia said...

I am so with you on this. Really with you. I had a Brandon, and I "loved" him from the age of 6 to 19. His kisses were really worth it. Great chemistry, but he's an idiot.

I am glad you've found your real love and enjoy kissing him.

Why is it so hard for young women to be true to ourselves when we're young?

Weber's said...

I hear ya! My little sister was such a jokester when it came to dating. But She came up with the cutest way of getting out of a kiss. He would move in and she would put her finger on his lips and say in a baby talk sort of talk "No kisses for you!"

ms. marginalia said...

BTW, I don't think you're promiscuous at all. As you say, that's not a lot of kissing in 20 years. I think you did fine, sister!

I was raised in Catholic milieu, which in theory is strict, but really isn't very. So things were done that very well shouldn't have been done.

You are not besmirched. Not even close. If there are any people clamoring for a witch hunt for a woman with a salacious past, send them after me.