Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I'm not gonna lie...

this whole "not having a baby yet" thing is harder than I thought.
And I'm going to admit something very embarrassing:

I once judged people for getting impatient with their pregnancies without ever knowing what "this" feels like.

("This" being VERY pregnant, and very tired, and a day or two past the "big day" when I hoped I would be enjoying my baby by...)

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While pregnant with Kortland, I read A LOT of books about natural birth.
(Like, we're talking A LOT)
I learned a lot about the importance of PATIENCE.
I learned that babies should be permitted to come when they're good and ready.
I learned that their brains send the appropriate signals to put the mother into labor when (and ONLY when) the brain and lungs have completely finished developing.

I remember reading all of this and saying to myself:
"What on earth are SOME women thinking?! Why would they induce labor early and CHEAT their unborn child of the precious time they need to finish developing?!"

(See? Judgmental. Boo, Lola, boo! What do you know?)

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Then we had a big, fat hiccup in my birth plan.
Kortland's cord was failing.
He was losing weight.
The placenta was dying,
and once it did, my baby would die too.
We had to get him out.

So, when this was discovered at my 39 week check up,
I cried,
freaked out a little,
called the hubs (who was over 4 hours away on a business trip)
and freaked him out a little.
Then I called my mom and...
well, in awesome mom fashion, she did not freak out,
instead, she calmed me down,
pep talked me up,
and made me feel like I could face this head on.

Then, The hubs (aka my rock) got home late that night,
gave me a wonderful blessing,
and I felt like things would be even MORE alright.
And bright and early the next morning, we induced,
and the next thing we knew,
our little man was here.

Safe,
sound,
and so, SO small.
(A crummy umbilical cord'll do that to a kid.)

So, that was my first experience.

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I never got to my due date. In fact, I enjoyed an amazingly wonderful (and very distracting) family vacation at Aspen Grove during my entire 38th week of pregnancy, then had my baby two days later. I didn't have to wait. I didn't have to lie in bed all night and become increasingly exhausted yet unable to sleep while my uterus trained for the "obnoxious, unchanging, and sort of pointless contraction world championships" and I didn't have to see my due date come...and then go...and have nothing to show for it. I never knew how that felt. (FYI: it sort of stinks.)

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Also, it should be said that while I was pregnant with Kort:
I was not sick.
I had NO back problems.
I never had swelling issues.
I never had lung crushing, rib kicking discomfort.
I did not become severely anemic.
The list goes on.

Also, it should be said that while pregnant with Baby Bob:
I. have. had. all. of. the. above...
(plus a few I have probably blocked from memory.)

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I never understood women who were crazy-eager/impatient to have their babies...until now.
Now, I get it!
Got it.
Gotcha.
Bingo!
Click.
Ah ha.
There it is.

I am tired. I am uncomfortable. I am sickly, and weak, and hormonal, and tired of having to eat every hour on the hour. But more than any of this, I just want to meet this delicious, beautiful little person!!! I have waited so long! I want to SEE him! I want to hold him! I want to smell him! I want to kiss his little face and then pass him around the room to all of the loving, smiling, supportive people in my life and say "Lookie what we made!!!!!"

I totally feel like a child waiting for Christmas...only on Groundhog's Day (you know, of the Bill Murray variety). But I'm not waiting for a Barbie Dream House to show up in my living room, I'm waiting for something so much better. Something that I've prayed, and cried, and waited for. Something that will never end up dusty, forgotten, and shoved under my bed, or out on the lawn at a yard sale 10 years down the road. (At least, one should HOPE not... hello, DCFS? ;) Something that holds the promise of everlasting joy, and growth, and stretching, and laughter, and tears all in one yummy little bundle.

My mind keeps replaying that first night I spent with Kort in the hospital. The last, loving family member made their way out of the hospital, and we were all alone. I dozed off just after midnight, and awoke around 2:00 a.m. to find big, dark eyes studying me. And I just cried. And cooed. And loved, loved, loved on that angelic little boy. It was undoubtedly the most surreal, and special time of my life. Who WOULDN'T be chompin' at the bit to do it all again? I'm clearly going nutty.

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So, there it is.
I'm excited.
I'm impatient.

I am still savoring every last moment of this time.
I still smile when he kicks and turns inside of me.
I talk to him,
and sing to him,
and tell him that his mom loves him more than he will ever be able to understand.
I am remembering to be grateful that after 5 long years, my body FINALLY figured out how to do this again.

I am remembering to remember not to take a single tired, swollen, sore, hormonal, miraculous moment for granted.

I'm trying to be patient, and keep perspective.

Most of all, I'm reminding myself (pretty much constantly) that this sweet little boy has his own journey, and his own purposes completely separate from my own, and that I am merely the vessel that has been blessed to carry him, and the VERY fortunate mother who gets to spend her life loving him and supporting his development into the person that he came here to be.

But I'm also just taking a moment to "out" myself and say:

This is hard.
And I didn't "get it" before...
But I sure "get it" now!

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But, in my defense, who wouldn't get excited about meeting their next jammie-clad- ski-boot-wearing-nose-picker, really? Who?

Answer: No one.

So today, I am owning some of my personal junk and publicly outing myself for being a judgmental little turd sometimes. ;)

What are you doing today?

The ladies at Communal Global want to know - so link up!



17 comments:

Buckeroomama said...

Totally understandable.

Both of our children were 'late' and they love hearing us say how they loved it so much inside Mommy's womb that they tried to hold on as long as possible. :)

likeschocolate said...

Hang in there! It is not easy. My cervix doesn't dilate on it's own, so I have been induced every time.

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Formerly known as Frau said...

You are too funny, I get how you are feeling and baby bob will be here soon. Good luck!

Barbaloot said...

I can't begin to imagine what you feel like right now---but I think your little baby is gonna be SO dang lucky to come to a family that wants him so much. Whether that's today, or in a week or two, he'll still be lucky:)

Life with Kaishon said...

So.flippin'.excited!!!

I'm sorry you are in pain. I can't wait for the baby to come either. I know kort is going to adore the baby.

Danelle said...

Love this post! I totally get the impatience. I especially felt this way with my third. Besides being totally uncomfortable at the end, he was due a few days after the deadline for starting school. Man did I ever want that kid to come early!

Maddy said...

Awww!!! I have no clue what you're going through, but there is an awesome light at the end of journey....your beautiful little baby boy that awaits!! So excited for your big announcement!

Kestrel said...

I love this post.

I only made it to 33 weeks, so I have no idea what it's like to be crazy hurty pregnant. I was deathly ill though, puking constantly and my heart failing because of my wee little infant raising my blood pressure so much :P

Still, I wish I could do it over again and see what those last few weeks are like. And I wish I could feel what it's like to go into labor and what contractions feel like (I was induced, didn't work, so had a C-section.)

Hang in there! It can't be too much longer now, right? :)

LMS said...

Thomas was 10 days late and Jessica was nearly postal. I don't think I was as supportive as your mom. But, trying to be a better person, and a more supportive one, I will pray for the speedy arrival of baby bob and both your health and safety.
Hugs,
Lynne

Jeff and Jessie said...

Had to be induced with all 4 babies.
I don't feel bad-I just wonder what it would be like to go into labor. For once. without stalling. or stopping. or stuff like that.
Hang in there!

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Jeff and Jessie said...
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Jen Nelson said...

Dear Baby Bob, don't you think you've made us all wait long enough? We are going ca-razy waiting! Just be bornded already, mkay? Thnxbye

and I feel your pain!! Those last few nights I was in serious pain! It's ok to be tired and so anxious and so ready for him to get his cute little butt here already!!!! (yes his butt will be cute!). Hang in there!! In a few weeks this will seem a million miles away!

LOVE YOU!!! Let me know if I can do anything for you!

kim dance said...

good luck. and hang in there.
i was looking at the nursery link and the photos wouldn't come up for me. "exceeded bandwidth" it said??? you must fix this problem so we can see PICTURES as that is my favorite part of your blog (not that I don't love the random thoughts as well, it's just that your photography is awesome!)looking forward to pics of the newborn!

The Smith's said...

I swear the last 4 weeks are longer than the first 36 combined. I remember my mom saying, "by the last month you would gladly have the kid through your nose just to get them out"! And I completely agree.
You just have to realize that he is part Blackwell, and he is probably getting some enjoyment out of watching you squirm in anticipation for him to come.

Has to make his GRAND ENTRANCE!!

Lee Ann said...

Wonderful story. Can't wait to hear the next chapter when "Baby Bob" arrives. Best of luck, tons of love and hours of prayers are headed your way! Love to all!!! Can't wait to meet the baby over Labor Day weekend.,..ha ha Labor Day...perfect I hope your labor is short and sweet!