A few things I'd like to discuss:

1.What person in their right mind takes their child out for an evening romp at the McDonald’s Play Place dressed in their pajamas for the night? Seriously? Ew. I personally have to resist the overwhelming urge to make Kortland wear a hazmat suit every time we decide to pay a visit to the germy cesspool with the magical golden arches. (A hazmat suit that would be promptly removed and burned in a heaping pile of ick in the parking lot prior to letting him into the car…hey,a girl can dream, right?) So why, of all things, would you bring your child to play in their jammies? Is that parent really going to put that child into their nice, clean bed wearing pink Hello Kitty flannels and Hepatitis B? Not best, folks, not best at all. However, I should clarify. If you have ever taken your child to the McDonald’s Play Place wearing their jammies because you went the whole day and never changed them out of their jammies, and you therefore fully intend to bathe and dress them in fresh, Hepatitis free pajamas when you get home…well that’s another thing entirely...and I might even add:

Bravo, mom. You’re a girl after my own heart.

...and another thing

2. What person (or in this case people) in their right mind leaves two d.a.r.l.i.n.g, UNBUCKLED, wiggly, climb-y, mischievous babies in a slippery, slide-y stroller and walks 30 feet away to wait in line at Café Rio for 5-10 minutes? Yep. Totally happened today. Kyle got really nervous when he saw all three of the clearly moronic girls walk away from their table leaving the unrestrained little girls to their own devices. They were both standing straight up on the stroller seats within 15 seconds and Kyle had to lunge and grab the smaller of the two before she teetered over the side and fell head first onto the concrete floor.

So, one idiot girl saw what happened, and without so much as an explanation or an “Oh, I’m sorry,” she takes the little girl from Kyle and gets in line with her friends again LEAVING the other little girl climbing and jumping around in the stroller. Seriously? For real? I started looking around wondering if we were on the hidden camera show “What Would You Do” at that point! Sheesh. Who could be that stupid?

So, the other little girl is making me really nervous, and I decide that I’m not going to be able to live with myself if she smashes her head into the concrete floor and has to live with brain damage for the rest of her life because her mom's an idiot and all 30 of the totally appalled bystanders simply bystanded around and didn't do anything. So, I decided that I didn’t really care if I seem weird, or if I offended them, I was going to keep that little girl safe. EVERYONE in the restaurant was on edge. EVERYONE was looking at those girls like they were the hugest morons on the planet, and yet they stood in line chatting away while their 14 month old was doing handstands on the stroller! Genius. So I walk over there and talk really sweetly to the little one, and get her seated and started B.U.C.K.L.I.N.G. her. in. (for cryin’ out loud) and the girls notice and one of them comes over to me (obviously feeling sheepish, as well she should) and says (get ready for this one folks, it’s entirely awesome)

“Oh thanks…she is just such a monkey!

She falls down all the time and never gets hurt!”

Really? Holy cow, was that supposed to make me feel better….? Or perhaps to help me fully realize and understand that she really was a great mother? Wow. Who says that? I replied, (with a big, fake smile on my face, and in a charmingly condescending voice)

“Yeah, well, she wouldn’t have to fall if she was

buckled safely and watched after properly.”

Then the girl said, “Yeah, but she screams like crazy when I buckle her in.”

Oh yeah, that’s a great reason not to buckle her! Because EVERYONE knows that it’s much better to have a child that suffers blunt force trauma to her head than a child who is mild to moderately “put out.” I hear ya there sister. So, that begs the question, does she scream when you buckle her into her Carseat as well? Because, by all means, don’t buckle her if she doesn’t like it! She’s all of 14 months old, she should certainly have a say…don’t you agree?

Kyle and I headed out before I totally lost it and beat a ho in public. (Yes, I just said “beat a ho.” That’s my new favorite catch phrase, a little raunchy, a little ghetto, but there’s just something about a white, scrawny mom from suburbia exclaiming “I’ll beat a ho” that feels oh so right… don’t’ ya think? I am also really loving “I’ll kill a foo” these days as well. Still be my friend mmmkay?) And now, I'm thinking I totally should have done a citizen's arrest and called child social services. I probably wouldn't have quite had a leg to stand on, but I can't help but feel that those darling little girls are going to lead perilous little lives filled with this:

"She just screams when I don't let her pull the boiling water onto her head."

"She just gets SO MAD at me when I don't let her drink the drain cleaner!"

(shhh, pretend this is a picture of a girl)

"What? That was a present for her 2nd birthday!

We TOLD her to be careful of course,

but she just gets so mad when we nag her all the time."

(of course, this photo would be MINUS the pool alarm. Who on earth puts a POOL ALARM on their swimming pool anyway? I mean, the kids should be fine, right? Why take precautions to keep kids safe? It will probably just annoy them. That convenient for them at all.)

"She likes to swim by herself. She is 14. months. old. after all, we can't baby her forever, besides, she screams if we supervise her during pool time. Just screams, and screams, and screams..."

"What? The giraffe was hungry. What's the big deal? He regurgitated her a few minutes later, it's not like we let him swallow her. Besides, she gets super ticked when we tell her not to touch the wild animals at the zoo."

Oh, and railroad tracks? Don't even get me started on railroad tracks.
"She just screams and SCREAMS when we don't let her sit on the railroad tracks. I swear, she'd sleep on them if we'd let her! ...Come to think of it...that's not such a bad idea. If it would keep her from screaming, I guess it might be worth a try!"

*

So anyway… moral of the story? Eat at home. It’s the only sure way to avoid Hepatitis laden pajamas and moronic parents. Cream cheese bagels are far superior to Café Rio Pork Barbacoa Salad anyway…no? (I know, I know – blasphemy. I was only joking.) BUT Cream Cheese bagels combined with NOT having to babysit a ghetto stranger’s children? Better. It really is.