Thursday, January 15, 2009

a little dose of honesty never hurt anyone

This is what most Christmas card pictures would look like if we were all just a bit more honest with ourselves and others! ha ha!

I'm going to be honest. I love my life. I love my husband (deeply). I love my son (so much that it physically hurts sometimes). But I don't want to give the impression that my life is perfect. Those of you who have been reading for a long time already know this, but just in case I haven't made myself clear recently - no one is perfect. This includes me, and it also includes all of the authors of all of those beautiful blogs you see out there floating around on a daily basis. I choose to focus on the beautiful, the inspirational, and the joyous because that's what I want to create in my life. But every once in awhile, we all have one of "those days" and blogs are good for those too. It's amazing that we have a community of mothers who can relate to our challenges, trials, and experiences and that we have been given the opportunity to see one another through. My good friend Celeste wrote a very honest, blunt, delightful blog that I came across today, and I wanted to share it. I appreciate her candor, and I could completely relate to the things that she said. She wrote:
does anyone else...
..ever just want to be left alone for like a week?
..feel evil that they don't want to share all of their food with their 3 year old? (who refuses to eat her own lunch, but squawks like a bird until I feed her some of mine.)
..wonder if they even could mentally handle the second child that they've been trying for for a year?
..feel evil for thinking these things because their child actually is an unbelievably good girl?
..occasionally think that motherhood is not all it's cracked up to be in the satisfaction department?
..get retardedly sick of doing the same housekeeping, child-rearing tasks over and over and over day after day?
..think that blogging, bless it's heart, has made it all that much easier for them to compare their own worst selves to everyone else's best selves?..feel like such a peice of crap for a mom somedays?
I'M SOOOO SICK OF FEELING LIKE THIS!!!!!
Am I just some insecure, selfish, stupid woman?
Sometimes I just want to run away to the beach & sell churros.

There it is.
On my blog.
For all the world to see.

Run away to the beach and sell churros?
Are you kidding me?
I love this girl.
my response?
Hello! I totally understand.
I look like I have multiple personality disorder on my blog!
That's just the nature of the beast.
Here's a brief summary of my blog:
happy
happy
happy
I HATE THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING IN IT!
happy
happy
happy
life is beautiful
I am so grateful
LIFE SUCKS! WHY CAN'T I HAVE A FREAKIN BABY!!!!????
I'm okay with not having another baby.
I am willingly accepting whatever life (and God) has in store for me.
happy
happy
happy
my child is beautiful
and smart
and funny
and raising him is so fulfilling.
I can be totally happy with just one child...
WHY CAN'T I HAVE ANOTHER DANG BABY???!!!!!

And, seriously, it really doesn't help that I'm "trying"(as in, for another baby) because every time I have a bad day or bad thought, my abusive little brain says:
"See!? That's why you're not getting pregnant! You're a bad person and you're not properly mothering the sweet little child that you already have, so why should you get another one? You big fat loser."
and then I say:
"You know what, abusive little brain, you're right. I'm going to go crawl back into bed with a pint of Ben and Jerry's and we're gonna try this again tomorrow."
Works for me.
Love you Celeste!
Good luck. The truth shall set you free!

13 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Laura, this is why I love reading your blog.

Aubry Macbean said...

I have days like that to. I love mackenzie but there are days were I am not in a good mood or she is not in a good mood, because of Brians work and school schedual I have had weeks where the only adult conversation I have is on sunday at church just before Relief Society starts. I hate weeks like that. It really is one of the reasons I started a blog so I could write and read others. I love you. You are amazing :)

Scott and Jillian said...

Holla!

Janyece said...

That's the script of my life right there too. It took us a long, long time to get pregnant the first time (James and I had been married five and a half years when Xan finally came along) and then it ended in a miscarriage. I remember thinking those exact same things. We've been "trying" for number three for a few months (I'm really impatient. Can you tell?) and I have caught myself thinking I'm not a good enough mom now. Why should I get another? Crazy how the mind works... Actually, I prefer to blame it all on hormones!

Celeste said...

fully made my day here, baby.
let's start a revolution, it's called "perhaps I will show more than just the best part of my life to others". We could have tshirts.
will you be my best internet-friend?
circle yes or no.

the Lola Letters said...

Big fat yes babe. Big fat yes.
And I think that T-shirts are a WONDERFUL idea. I'll get right on that ;)

Kiersten said...

Words cannot describe how deliciously wicked I find your lost and lonely sperm widget on the side. Were I not keeping my blog quasi-respectable in the hopes that potential editors who want to buy my book read it, I would SO slap that sucker on there.

Those floating fetuses fill me with rage. Okay, I find them mildly annoying. But still.

Also, it's okay to be human. And you're a freaking gorgeous and photogenic human, so even better for you!

Kelly Casteel said...

My absolutely favorite all time book is the Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood. It is about this mom who has 4 babies and 5 years and her mental breakdown as a result. The reason I love it is because it puts it into context that we all freak out at our kids and husbands. We don't need to beat ourselves up about being human, forgive yourself and move on.

I would encourage all of you ladies to read this book. I absolutely LOVE it, I think I read it once a year.

the Lola Letters said...

Thanks Kelly! I've heard of that book, but I actually had no idea that that's what it was about. I'm always looking for good books to read.

Jen Nelson said...

I heart you.

note to self: start blogstalking Celeste...

Marissa said...

First of all... Tell your freind to GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! I too would love to be alone, for like a month!

And second, I too heart you and your blog!

Kirsten said...

YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!!!!!! THIS IS KIRSTEN, THE COOKY/FREAKIN' AWESOME PHOTOGRAPHER FROM THE PAGEANT...I LOVE YOUR GUTS!!! I READ YOUR BLOG SOMETIMES AND I LOVE IT. I WANT TO COPY YOUR POSTS AND POST THEM ON MY BLOG BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'VE THOUGHT LATELY TOO!!! I LOVE YOU BOTH-CELESTE AND YOU. LET'S HANG OUT AND MAKE NECKLACES, AND HAVE A GIRL'S NIGHT!

Mandy said...

So, so true...