...we needed a little miracle.

So, let me give you a little background into what has been going on with my Dad's side of the family for the past 8 months or so...

It all started when my cousin Heather (aka the most amazing, wonderful, intelligent, loving, spiritual, sweet little mother ever) went with her husband and three darling children to have her 20 week ultra-sound. They wanted to find out the sex of the baby all together as a family. Instead, they found out that there was no heartbeat. They had lost a sweet little boy. They were devastated. Our entire family was devastated. We hated to see their sweet family go through what they did in the weeks and months that followed. then my cute cousin Christopher and his new wife (the cutest, most in-love newly-weds on the face of the earth)announced they were pregnant. Well, she spent Mother's Day misscarrying in a hospital in Nevada. then Christopher, who was so stressed and heartbroken that he couldn't sleep, took the wrong mix of prescription anxiety meds and never woke up. I am still unsure as to how my family got through that one...and I'm actually not all that certain that we really did "get through it" or even that we'll ever "get over it" either. I don't really think it's something you get over-- "Make peace with" ...maybe. then, my cousin Jen (yes, my cousin, but also one of my best friends ever) finally announced that she was pregnant! We had prayed, and struggled, and hoped together for so long, and I was so grateful that she was finally going to have a baby. Well, her ten week appointment came, and - no heartbeat. Not only was there no heartbeat, but there were spiked levels of hormones that gave her a dangerous form of cancer and nearly killed her. The weeks that followed included Chemo, blood tests, and even a mini stroke to add some extra fun and excitement. At this point I just threw up my hands and shouted "I give up!" to the Universe (okay, and God, though I'm not proud of it). then, my big brother and his wife announced that they were pregnant! (yaaaay!) Then they lost their little baby. (are you kidding me?) then Jen's little brother Ben and his wife announced that they were pregnant. Then they lost their baby... are you starting to see where I'm going with this? Can you sense the utter despair and intense levels of fed-up-ness in my voice? Just checking.

then, another completely amazing cousin (who has tried to conceive for the past four years) was chosen by a birth mom to adopt a baby girl scheduled to be born this fall. Yaaay! After all these years of waiting, they were finally going to be parents! They drove to the hospital to pick her up, and discovered that the birth father (who's mother wanted to keep and raise the baby) had put a last minute injunction on the placement. They drove home (for like, FOUR HOURS) empty-handed. When my mom called me with the news, I was in total shock. I couldn't imagine how they must be feeling (and I still can't) it was so horrible. Later that night, I snuggled into bed with Kyle and started venting my frustrations about the Blackwell familly baby luck over the past year, and before I knew it, I was sobbing hysterically! It had all just become too much! It actually got pretty hilarious. Just when I thought I had cried it all out and was done with it, a whole new surge that I didn't even think could exist rose up and I started all over again. (I guess I'd been holding it all in for a while now eh?) Kyle was baffled (and cute, supportive, funny, perfect, and exactly what I needed - as he always is- without fail).

2 long weeks passed, and the birth mom fought for the right to place her baby. I won't go into all the details, but they finally found a way to do it without the birth father's consent (meaning he can still lawyer up and fight like hell, but it's unlikely that he will...). So, they were supposed to meet the birth mom at the temple to get their baby, but hours went by and the birth mom hadn't come. Finally the mother of the birth mom came and placed their new baby girl in their arms. She said that her daughter couldn't come because she was in "pretty bad shape."

I can imagine.

Tell me this.

What kind of person can give birth

to a beautiful, perfect little girl

then,

bathe her

feed her

change her

hold her

watch her sleep

and fall in love with her

more and more every day

for two weeks...

then hand her over to the people that she has chosen to raise her?

I still can't think about it without crying.

Not because it is awful,

but because it is the most beautiful

love story

I have ever heard.

I know our society tends to think of young girls who get pregnant in high school as misguided, promiscuous, flawed, or bad in some way, but I have to say, this little mother is my greatest inspiration. An example of pure, unselfish love. She was willing to have her heart shattered and her world torn down around her so she could give her newborn daughter the best life possible. She, and all birthmothers, will forever be my heroes. My mom's friend placed a child for adoption when she was a young, unwed mother. Her birth son tracked her down years and years later. He had served a mission, and recently married his sweetheart in the temple. He told her he'd always wanted to meet her and thank her for doing what she did. He loved his parents and he was grateful for the sacrifice that she'd made so many years ago that had enabled him to lead such a blessed life. I honestly think that a baby is the greatest and most miraculous gift that can be given in this life. I still can't wrap my head around all of the many complexities surrounding it, but I'm grateful that it happens.

My cousin said something very poignant about it all. She said that adoption was like a heart transplant. You are so grateful, and excited, and relieved to have it, but someone else has to die in order for you to get it. I know that after my Grandpa Headlee had his heart transplant, there was never a day that went by where he didn't thank his Heavenly Father for the life of his donor, and I know that there isn't a day that goes by where these adoptive mom's don't thank their Heavenly Father for incredible, strong, and selfless birth mothers. They willingly let their dreams die so that the lifelong dream of one of their sisters can live. It is the most Christ-like sacrifice we will ever find on this earth. And though it must be HARD (understatement of the century) for these little mothers, I know that God has a plan for them. He will endow them with strength that they didn't know they had. He will heal them. He will bless them. Not only in this life, but even more so in the life to come. When Nancy went through her adoptions, I often found myself feeling that Nancy and the birthmom that had chosen her must have been the best of friends in the pre-existence. That Nancy agreed to come here with a body that wouldn't be able to bring children into the world, but that she was surrounded by a circle of righteous women and dear friends who promised they would help. I don't think it is any accident that a birth mom feels so strongly about the woman she chooses to raise her child. I think it is simply a matter of deep recognition. They've found their sister again.

Here are some pictures from a week ago when Grammy and I went to visit our family's little miracle.

In a word, perfect.

In a few words: perfect, miraculous, heaven sent, answer to prayer, godsend, gorgeous, sweet, wise, tiny giant.

We are all just in awe.

Life is filled with: the bad, the good, the miraculous, and the ugly, with joy, pain, suffering, anger, fear, hope, evil, DISAPPOINTMENT, malice, LOVE, and every other emotion I am too tired to give mention to here, thrown into the mix. All I can say is, I am grateful for miracles like this one. We've had our share of disappointment in the Blackwell family over the past year, but I know that we are going to emerge from these fires of affliction more pure and polished than we were going into them. I don't have all the answers, and there are always gonna be those days when I think I can't take anymore (I too would give anything to be able to have more children)But I also know I wouldn't be able to recognize joy if I didn't intimately know pain. One thing I know for certain, is that when my day comes, whether in this life or the next, my joy will be indescribably full.

Congratulations new little family!

It was so cute, when we stopped in to see her new baby, my cousin exclaimed

"I'm in the mom club! I'm finally in the mom club!"

Yes you are baby! And you're a welcome addition.

P.S. I've been bawling all day, but thought I should cry a little more, so I clicked on this link that was on my sis-in-law's blog and had another sniff-fest. This vid is beautiful and very inspirational, but maybe that's just because I relate to it so deeply. So, let the cry-fest continue...love you all.