Dear Journal,

11.28.2011

{Would YOU want to spend all day every day with this lady? Yeah, that's what I thought.}

I'm feeling like a really, really happy little failure right now.
Strange, but true.

So, the home-school thing didn't work out.

In a lot of ways, I loved it.

I loved having in-depth discussions about serious/cool topics, like the Salem Witch Trials...or the big debate about whether or not Springville residents should vote for a tax raise in order to fund a rec center. It was cool to give Kort all of the facts, and then let him suss out the details and decide what he thought for himself

I loved seeing his love for reading reignite.

I loved seeing his love for art and writing reignite.

I loved our home-school field trip group.

I really loved the good days.

Then there were the not so good days.

Days when I felt like I just couldn't get it all done.

Kort didn't want to listen. I didn't want to teach. The dishes were two days old, and Tennyson seemed like a chubby, grunt-y, scoot-y, delicious little shadow far off in the distance who I vaguely remembered, but...?

Then there was the fact that I didn't get to take any more naps. {Go ahead and minus 50 points right there.}

Then there was also the fact that I started taking Metformin again because we really want to have another baby {it's totally okay for me to try for baby number three even though I'm just a sub-par mom...yes? ...right? ...maybe?}and that Metformin makes me feel like I am going to throw up pretty much all the time, and that makes it extra hard to want to crawl out of bed, put my game face on, and teach 6 hours of home-school to a rambunctious eight year old.

Then there's that whole thing where "NOT teaching home-school" sort of defeats the purpose of "home-schooling," and such. You know, there's ALWAYS that.

So I would have to push through, but I wouldn't be very nice, and that's a problem, because I promised myself that I would be nice, but I feel like poo, and I'm tired, and being nice is just a really tall order for a tired mom who feels like poo, so I would end up being mean, and then I would go to bed that night feeling all sorts of devastated that I had been mean, and feeling like home-schooling {or my failure to do it well} was going to drive me and Kort further apart rather than bringing us closer together like I hoped it would.

{Breath.}

Then I would wake up the next morning resolved to do better.
And I would.
And we would have great experiences, and lots of positive strides.

And then I took Kort to a "Thanksgiving Etiquette Dinner" that was being put on by his home-school group. He had such an amazing time. He was polite and respectful. He had a blast with the other kids. After the etiquette lesson, we let the kids run around the church gym and play for about an hour. Again, Kort loved every second of it, and I thought to myself

"This just might work afterall."

Then we went out to get in the van, and found that the Elementary School kids {right next door} were all out on the playground screaming and running and swinging and having a ball, and Kort turned to me with watery eyes and the tight "I'm trying really hard not to cry but it's not really working" strain in his voice and says:

"Mom, I really, really, really, wish I hadn't messed up."

"I know," I say. {Wanting to bawl, myself.}

And it just stinks, ya know?

Parenting is wonderful, and MAN it is hard too.

Despite my best efforts {which, let's be honest, probably aren't all that awesome or impressive}he longs to go to school where he can see his friends, and eat yucky lunches, and learn things alongside his peers.

I decided that a full month at home with me was probably punishment enough, {for both parties} and that he could try serving out the remaining six months as a suspended sentence. If he still has problems with behavior, I'm thinking that I'll try having him scrub toilets with a toothbrush, THAT is a little more "win/win" in my humble opinion. {Which, I guess is also dependent upon whose toothbrush he uses to do the scrubbing.}

Part of me still loves the idea of home-school and is really sad that we just can't hack it.

Part of me is jumping for joy because this morning I fed kids and sent them out the door, went walking the hills with a favorite neighb, put the baby down for a nap, ate a delicious snack, read a book, wrote a blog from bed, and NOW I'm fixin to have me a little nap.

So, I'm a failure.
But sometimes failure feels really good.
Who knew?

Xo,
Lola

To whom it may concern:

Home school is actually going really well! I honestly was afraid that much of it would consist of me yelling at my kid and wanting to tear my hair out, but guess what? We really, really like each other! {Crazy, right?} Methinks mayhaps I was right about him needing more one on one time with yours truly. {I have 2 SERIOUS momma's boys on my hands...}

Seriously, I love this. 

I feel a little bad, because I told Kort that he can go back to school for fourth grade and see if he can have awesome behavior and such, BUT I am such a converted home-schooler in my heart, that I kinda don't even want to. {But, I still will if that's what he wants, and he can show repect and work hard.}

Every morning, we start out with family devotional. We sing songs, talk about "big" things, read from the scriptures, memorize articles of faith and inspirational poems from Grandpa Headlee's compilation of his favorite poems and quotes...it's just the BEST way to start our day.

Then he works on math. He is so good at math, he could prolly teach me a thing or two. {And for those of you who are concerned that someone who writes/uses the word "prolly" is home-schooling an 8 year old, unto you I say: "Worry not." I am fully aware that prolly is not, in fact, a word. However, I adore how it looks on the page as well as how it rolls off the tongue. So there.}

Then we KILL IT with the spelling {he loves it, and is a fast learner.} and memorizing states and capitals.  We also started a "State Book" {my idea}where Kort reads a fact card about the state of his choice, and then makes a poster {8 x 11 sheet of paper}showing the state, capital, state bird, state flower, and additional pictures that represent different facts about each state.

One of my favorites was where he drew a rat to signify that Delaware was the first state to "RATify the U.S. Constitution. Awesomeness to the extreme.

We learn science. We do science experiments in the kitchen. We have found an AWESOME online game called "Powder Toy" that teaches him chemistry {like, gangbusters} and he doesn't even notice that he's learning ... which is incredible! He thinks he is partying it up with 15 minutes of free time, but NO! He's LEARNING! YAY! Score one for mom trickery.

When it's lunch time - guess what? It's home ec time too! He is learning to COOK, people. Is he gonna be a catch, or what?

I hate to say it {okay, no I don't} but I was kind of super-right about the whole "other kids being a mega distraction" thing. Without all of the cute girls and cool buddies to impress, he is so focused. Unbelievably focused.

Three weeks ago, I could have sworn that the kid needed Ritalin.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
He needed a different environment.

Isn't it just amazing that God can speak to us, and, if we will listen, we can often get insight and direct answers to prayer? I sort of REALLY think that is just amazing.

I love getting out huge bins of art supplies and letting him just create whatever he wants.
I REALLY love his creative writing time, too.
I folded stacks of white paper in half and stapled them into little books so they could feel all "official" and what not, then I found a bunch story prompts online and Kort is really diggin' em!

They say things like:
"Write a story where you are the captain of a pirate ship."
Or
"Write a story titled: The Baby Dragon."

He just eats it right up.
He even dedicated the dragon book to me and Kyle. {Aw.}
He is thriving, and I love that I get to be there to see it every day.

{Painted coffee filters. We are going to string them into a garland.}

AND, another wonderful thing: He has started writing and drawing and creating  all on his own again! I haven't seen that for 4 years. He is drawing detailed story boards and making books filled with drawings of his inventions with detailed instructions about how they work. He writes his own math problems and solves them... on SATURDAY when he is SO NOT required to be doing school stuff. It's wonderful.

So, I know this might sound all sorts of brag-y, but it's really not meant to be.

It's just that, well, I thought that there was a good possibility that our little home-school adventure would end in a screeching, halting, fire-y, burn-y, horrid nightmare of a train wreck. And miracle of all miracles, it hasn't. {Ahem. Um, so far.}

So sue me if I feel that a little rejoicing is in order.

No, seriously. Sue me. Do it.
I have a pedophile van with your name on it, baby.

Xo,
Lola Bef.

Dear anyone who was left hanging with a sense of fear and foreboding for the well-being of my "spirited" 3rd grader after reading last Thursday's Post,

Unto you, I say:
Don't worry.

 In the famed words of the grubby villager who claimed to have been turned into a newt courtesy of an alleged  village witch in "Monty Python and The Holy Grail"... {Yes, I said that in one breath, obviously.}

  "I got better."

{disclaimer: pictures have nothing to do with content...but they sure are cute.}

I'm just gonna come right out and say it: I sensed a few "judgment-y vibes" coming my way after publishing my post last week. I sensed some tick-tick-ticking of some tongues, and disapproving shaking of heads as some of you sat at your laptops {aghast!} as you took in my most recent Lola Letter. I also sensed that some of you had a good laugh at my expense, which, I am far more pleased about... but back to the worriers.

Seriously, don't worry.
It was a bad day.

I know that the tone of my post prolly painted the frightening picture of a not too distant future where my cute little 8 year old is chained to a make-shift desk in a dank basement being whipped at the top of every hour and made to write 1,000 sentences {in CURSIVE, no less} that read "I am a bad, bad boy, and I should have obeyed my teacher!!!" every single day.

I got a few comments and emails saying: "Ummmm, mayhaps if you hate the prospect of homeschooling so much, you uh, I don't know... SHOULDN'T DO IT!"

A fair point indeed.
However, I don't hate the idea of homeschooling.

I was just a little bit devastated that my son's behavior hasn't improved one iota over the course of his 3+ years of elementary education. I felt like a failure of a mother {who, in all fairness had also just been assaulted by vulgar weather... in a fa-lipping Walmart parking lot...right after she had showered and blow-dried her hair...no less}. I felt scared, and frustrated, and like things were never going to get better. I also felt indescribably inadequate to accomplish the task that I had laid at my own feet via an overly emotional threat made 4-5 weeks prior.

Teachers are trained.
Teachers go to years of school.

What on the planet of earth was I thinking?

Fast forward to now.
I've had time to process.
The sun is shining.
I have cute, un-soggy hair.

It is all going to be fine.

No, not just fine, amazing.

Here are some factors that were not included in last Thursdays rant, but should most definitely be considered as a vital part of:

"The Dugovic Family's general overview of why we are going to home school our children."

DISCLAIMER: This is not intended to be an attack on public schools or school teachers. Many of these institutions are ENTIRELY AMAZING. Kort's first and second and third grade teachers have all been incredible. I respect and admire them more than words can say. Teachers are angels. Patient, loving, oft-abused angels I tell ya. The fact of the matter is, PUBLIC SCHOOL IS SIMPLY NOT WORKING FOR MY CHILD.  It's not. Period. I have had to do some soul searching and find a different path because I want him to be the best he can be...and public school seems to be bringing the worst out in him more often than not. There are MANY children who thrive in a public school setting and that is a wonderful thing. It just isn't working for us. I have tried desperately to FORCE a round peg into a square hole, and trying to force something that simply isn't a good fit has proven to be exasperating and also nothing short of detrimental to my relationship with one of the most important people in my life. And it stops now.

{In no particular order}

1. First, and foremost, I have felt spiritually prompted to home school for almost 2 years now. This one is a little embarrassing to admit because well, it's basically saying that I have fought off/ ignored{plugged my ears and went "La-la-la-la-la!" in the general direction of} a spiritual prompting regarding my family for hundreds and hundreds of days. So, there's that.

2. My kid is a genius. A really, good-looking one, with a great sense of humor, and a knack for making friends. {Sheesh! Bragging overload. It's like this is being written by his mother or something...}But seriously. He's amazing. At age four, he was full-on reading and BEGGING me to teach him to write his letters and then practicing them for hours, and writing little notes to everyone, and drawing pictures, and reading on his bean bag all by himself for hours on end...

Then he went to kindergarten and learned that doing those things was "work." Well that was the end of that blissful chapter of our lives. From that day on, it was a battle to get him to read or write anything. The love for learning whooshed out of him like the air from an untied balloon. It was devastating.

3. Social interaction is to Kortland, what crack is to a meth-head. For realsies. Sending Kortland to public school and expecting him to focus and/or learn something, is like sending a meth addict into a crack house and expecting them to do, well... ANYTHING other than get high all day. Kortland LIVES to make kids laugh. He likes to flirt with girls. Being the center of attention makes him so high, he can barely see straight...and more often than not, he doesn't. So, he's disrespectful. He'll do anything for a laugh. That becomes his M.O. Learning,  listening, and anything scholastic takes a back seat {waaaaaaay in the back} to talking, laughing, goofing, showing off, etc. I am excited for him to have the opportunity to delve deeply into science and geography topics without being distracted by his constant need to impress or please others.

4. When I went to teach my kid about the birds and the bees {at age 8, an age that MOST of my friends and family still felt was too early}, I learned that someone in public school beat me to it. Um, like, a full YEAR ago. Awesome. I'll admit that at that point, I sort of wanted to put that child {and their parent(s), if I'm being honest} in my basement and subject them to regular floggings for roughly a month.

I wanted {and had planned}to present intimacy to my son as one of the most spectacular, beautiful, sacred experiences we will have in this lifetime. Instead, some little turd missing half his teeth {as you'll notice, most 2nd graders are}told my kid that it's where two people get naked together and it's "totally gross and disgusting."

Great.
Check.

In a nutshell, I'm done letting the offspring of parents who aren't clued in {and really don't care} school my child about the finer things in life. I'm also done letting the offspring of parents who have cable packages that include HBO and Showtime and Skinamax have any access to my child whatsoever. Period.

5. School doesn't teach him anything about who he REALLY is. In fact, they are required by law NOT to. I think that this is a huge problem, for obvious reasons.

He is a child of God. {Literally.} He has infinite potential. {Fact.} And if the public school system is going to take almost SEVEN precious hours out of his day, and THEN assign an additional hour's worth of homework to suck up even more of his time because they failed to make proper use of the seven they already had... well, then, that doesn't really give me a fair balance of time to even ATTEMPT to reverse the negative effects accrued during any given school day, now does it?

6. I don't want someone else to tell him WHAT to think, or WHEN to think, I want to teach him HOW to think. More on that here.

7. I don't want Kortland to be bribed or pressured to learn, I want him to develop a love affair with learning. One that will put all kinds of knowledge at his finger tips. One that will prepare him to lead, not follow. To think for himself rather than to conform. 

There are SO MANY other thoughts I have and want to share, but they will have to wait for another day. Let me just say this: I am loving this very sudden journey that Kortland and I have found ourselves taking together. I am learning so much so quickly about HOW children grow and develop, and I am so excited about the future.

I love that my child will be developing a love of learning in a peaceful environment.
I love that he now has a teacher who loves him more than anyone else on the planet is even capable of doing.
I love that my sons will actually be able to bond and form a deeper relationship.
I love that Kortland won't waste time comparing himself to others and trying to fit in. Rather, his time, energy, and focus, can be devoted entirely to learning, stretching, and growing ever more passionate about all of the wonders in our world and the universe that envelopes it.

Life definitely threw me a curve ball last week. But man am I thankful when things don't go as planned. That's when we get the opportunity to grow, learn, and see things from a different view. And I have to say: the view from here is glorious. 

I'm sure there will be days when I want to tear my hair out.
I'm sure you'll hear about them. {oi!}
I'm sure some people will judge me...and that's okay. {Seriously.}

But I'm also sure that this is the right thing for us.
Soooooo right.
Righter than right. {And no, that phrase will not be making it's way into the grammar portion of our day.}

Dear Tennyson,

How does it feel to be King of the Dogs?
{And pretty much the whole house, for that matter?}

Just wondering.

Xo,
The rest of the people who live here.