so, i've been thinking.
and what i've been thinking is this:
i haven't been blogging as much as i used to. and when i do, i haven't done it with as much vigor as i have in days past. it's fun...but not as much fun, and i've been trying to figure out why. while i have taken into account the fact that i am dealing with a significant amount of sleep deprivation, i think that there is more to it than that. but what?
well, driving through the canyon on our way home from ferron today, i thought:
"i think i care too much about what other people think of my blog."
not so much about the fact that i told you that i drive a pedophile van, or that i sometimes yell at my kid, or that my hubs lives on a steady diet of pb&j sandwiches and love, or that i don't bother to shower most days...
it's more...um, general than that. i think i care whether or not people care at all. and i don't like the fact that i care whether or not people care at all. i shouldn't care if people care or don't care or care only a little bit and/or only care some of the time, like on monday, or only on the weekends. i mean, really, who cares about who cares? (...right? ...are you still with me?)
so then i asked myself:
"okay then, self, how can you help yourself not care about whether or not people care? what makes you keenly aware of whether or not others to care (or not care) and such?"
and then i thought:
sometimes, when no one comments (or very few people comment) on something i write, i think to myself, "hm, that was probably boring, or annoying, or of little importance to anyone other than me, and maybe i shouldn't have bothered writing it, and i really don't want to bore people with the minute details of my life, and blah blah blah, insert nonsensical mind-rambling here ________."
but the fact is, of course i should have bothered writing "it" because "it" is what i was thinking about and "it" is what i wanted to blog about, so i had every right to write about "it" regardless of whether "it" was compelling enough to make someone take 2 minutes out of their day and add their own personal commentary on "it". i know, right?
and furthermore, sometimes (and by sometimes, i mean almost always, and by almost always i mean 99 percent of the time) people just want to peruse the blogging world. they don't have anything to add or take away, they just want to wander about and take things in, and if they happen to stop by, that is awesome, and they shouldn't be expected to come up with some grand thing to say, or some clever thing to say, or some nice and entirely much too kind and complimentary thing to say...they should just be allowed to come and go unnoticed if that's what they like to do.
and even furthermore than that furthermore, we all owe it to ourselves to live the most authentic lives possible. lives lived just for us. (not in a selfish "i only do things for/think of myself" sort of way, rather, in a "i don't tiptoe around inside my own life trying to please everyone and their dog and their grandma and their crabby neighbor Sue" sort of way. to be fair (to myself, mostly...okay only) i DON'T tiptoe around inside my life... not even close... but in a way, i think i was starting to just a wee tiny bit, and that's just no fun for me. and i'm all about the fun. so somethin's gotta give.
this is not to say that comments are bad.
this is not to say that all y'all's comments haven't been lovely, welcome, and much appreciated.
this is not to say that people who allow comments on their blogs are searching for approval, or attention, or praise.
this is not to say that other people can't function perfectly well with their comment sections in tact.
this is not to say any of those things.
this is not to say any of those things at all.
this is just to say that i want to
try out the no comment thing,
and see if it brings back the blog spark.
because the blog spark is sort of awesome,
and i sort of miss it.
you can always email me...and with email, i can actually write back.
(don't you sort of hate the blogger format? i mean, it's like, where do you write back? do you write back within YOUR OWN comments section and expect the other person to revisit that blog post's comments section and check to see if you responded? seems rude to expect that. so, then, do you go over to THEIR blog and write on their most recent post and say "hey, i'm sorry to hear that your grandpa died/kid was throwing up all night/cat refuses to go in the litter box/insert whatever other awkward thing that their most recent post might be about here______ but thanks for stopping by my blog and saying that you thought my cupcakes were pretty!"
so which is it?
more importantly, why am i asking you this?
it's not like i'm going to leave you a comments section to answer in.
and why am i even talking about this since it won't be a problem anymore?
i hope you'll keep stopping in.
and i hope you will enjoy reading
whatever crazy junk i end up
spewing onto this baby day after day.
but if you don't, i've decided that will be okay.
i need to write this for me.
and i really want to write this for my kids.
and i want to start writing "stream of consciousness fast as i can type journal entries" every night so that my life will be chronicled. and i absolutely refuse to create even one more blog (have you noticed that i have an addiction to creating blogs? i flipping love blogs.) in which to write these thoughts separately. so there. it's official. this is the book of lola (and her hubs and childrens and dogs and hermit crabs and such.)
i ran into a good friend from high school at "jeannie's/grant's/hometown market/whatever they have decided to call the ferron grocery store this week"and she said the awesomest thing. she said she liked my blog because i was honest about the fact that my life wasn't perfect and that it made her feel better about the fact that her life isn't perfect, and i thought - that is so true. and we do ourselves and others such a great service when we just chronicle our lives in the most honest way that we know how.
that's the goal.
so here's the first journal entry of the new lola letters:
i just ate an entire can of cheddar cheese pringles while typing this.
eating healthily for the benefit of tentens for ten months straight gave me some serious food issues. i'm living on a steady diet of powdered doughnuts, milky ways, egg nog, and chips...and then complaining to the hubs about the fact that those last 5 baby pounds won't voluntarily fall off.
kortland made new friends at the new house in ferron and this makes me so happy. he is going to build so many wonderful memories each time we visit there.
i've found that kortland also has a tendency to get really nervous, and talk like a baby, and run around the room like a lunatic attempting 3 stooges style-slap stick-physical comedy when he meets new people. hm. it was awkward. yep. got pretty weird. kudos to the neighbor kids for sticking it out though. nice kids. thanks also to the neighbor kids for sticking around when he creamed them mercilessly while playing mario kart on the wii. he HATES it when other people bomb him and oil slick him and what not, but has no problem doing it (like, TIMES TEN!) to other kids. geez. we had him pause it 3 different times, took him into a private bedroom and told him to knock it off and practice the golden rule and all of the things that parents tend to say - and it availed us nothing. he is a piece of work, that kid. and it's pretty clear that we are just gonna have to keep workin'.
i fell asleep sitting straight up in a hard chair today. oh the joys of sleep deprivation.
the hubs explained the BCS bowl championship series controversy to me while driving home today, and to be honest, it was almost painful because i am dangerously allergic to football, but then i got all worked up because it became clear to me that the teams playing within the BCS are just greedy and evil and won't let other teams into the series because then they have to share the booty (and by booty i mean cash, not girls who like BCS football players, although this type of booty may also apply...) with more people and what not. so i told him that they needed to have a football revolution. and then we tried to plot the football revolution which would entail all of the non-BCS teams revolting and such, but soon realized that nothing would work because greed beat us at every turn. TV stations wouldn't boycott BCS games... because they'd lose money. Other colleges wouldn't refuse to play, because they'd lose money. anyway. it's annoying. i'm sure glad that i don' care about football - otherwise i would have a huge, hopeless revolution-staging on my hands. phew! crisis averted.
kort watched "a christmas carol" at nama and grandpa jim's today. he said the ghosts were scary and now he keeps getting out of bed on the "i'm scared!" card. i finally just told him that those ghosts are going to look like mary poppins compared to me if i have to tuck him into bed one more time. haven't seen him since. hm. who needs spanking when you've got bloodshot eyes and crazy hair?
we cleared a lot of the furniture out of house so we could fit everyone in it for thanksgiving. now it's over, but we haven't put any stuff back, and i'm loving the empty space. i think i'm going to monk it out for awhile and get rid of all of our stuff. seriously. the clutter-free-ness of it all has me smiling from ear to ear and i really think i'm going to have to make a lifestyle change. hm. we'll see.