Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dear Miss USA Pageant

Your contestants look like Las Vegas prostitutes. The line between "edginess" and "skankiness" is just so darn sliver-thin these days, and it appears that maybe, (just M.A.Y.B.E.) you have crossed it. (And by "crossed it" I mean taken a flying pole-vault-style leap over it and landed on a cactus just outside the "Bunny Ranch.") Ouch. How embarrassing for you. Ah, well. It's not like I'm surprised. You are now simply proving what I have thought for years. Your organization is nothing more than a tool our society uses to diminish the real, beautiful, and truly important nature of women through over-sexualization. But honestly, did we expect anything less from Donald Trump? (Answer: Nope.)

"That's soooo overly feminist/dramatic Lola!" (You may say.)
"I know." (I say back.)


These contestants don't look like role models, or even high fashion models...they look like French prostitutes. (Ooops, I've probably just offended French prostitutes who are actually probably quite a bit classier than Miss USA contestants...and hey, at least French prostitutes aren't calling themselves "role models.")

Photobucket
{Pictured: Our very own Miss Utah-USA, aren't we just so proud? Answer: Nope. Click here to view the Miss USA contestants page. I was going to put a few more contestant photos on here, but they were just too (ahem) "tastefully done"...and somehow didn't seem to fit the overall tone of my blog. This photo only made it on because it was simply one of the least soft core pornographic of the bunch... go Utah, way to represent!}

You know what stinks about Donald Trump? Back in the day, rich people were at least expected to be classy. I never heard of Daddy Rockefeller proudly sponsoring a burlesque club... and I certainly never heard about his over-privileged daughters going out dancing (and drinking...and cavorting...) sans their panties (and any semblance of self respect). They also didn't eat dripping hamburgers while wearing skimpy bikinis and then proceed to wash/buff sports cars with their chestal regions...but alas, gone are the good old days where rich little girls wore panties, went to Harvard, and then turned their sights to child-rearing and philanthropy.

And yeah, yeah, I know, I know, we've NOW decided that if something is "tastefully done" then it's okay. Playboy is tasteful (like, w.a.y. tasteful - but, you knew that, right?). Burlesque clubs are tasteful...you know, because it's artistic, and besides, the girls don't get all the way naked, and EVERYONE knows that it is like, UBER tasteful to only get most of the way naked and have a bath in an over-sized champagne glass amidst a host of "gentlemen" (ha!) onlookers. Tasteful to the HILT, I say! What could be classier?

Bikini competitions are bad enough, but you had to take it to lingerie? Wow. Just wow. It's laughable. Not that I care, and CERTAINLY NOT that I expected something more, or higher, or better from you... Nope. Sure didn't. This is actually right on par with everything you represent. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is:

Thank you. Thank you for finally being what you really are. Now, if you'll kindly stop purporting to be any sort of an institution that produces role models for young girls, it would be much appreciated.

Also, if you would kindly stop having part of the contestants' scores determined by a 3 minute interview (with terribly bright/accomplished and/or ridiculously washed up/moral-less "celebrity" judges) and if you would kindly stop having an on stage interview question...it would be much appreciated. What? Do you think firm thighs and huge breasts like that just grow themselves? Well they don't! Where are these girls supposed to find time to get smart, or learn anything at all about the world around them? Between surgeries? Between Barf sessions at the porcelain palace? Tanning sessions? Plucking sessions? Waxing sessions? Training sessions? Almond counting sessions? Lemon juice drinking sessions? Lingerie photo-shoots? Where? WHERE?! These are ROLE MODELS we're talking about here - not super heroes! Sheesh. Some people.)

Also, if you would kindly have the contestants' photos plastered on Las Vegas Vans and Taxis with "Escort" Service numbers printed below them, that would sort of be icing on the cake for me.

Thanks! You're the best!

xoxo,
Lola

Dear 2010 Miss USA Contestants,
What you do rings so loudly in my ears, that I can't even hear your self justifications for doing a photo shoot that would compromise what little integrity you claim to have, or your poorly delivered answers about world peace. Sorry. You're not a role model. Sorry...just not. Now go give your mom and dad a big hug and tell them thanks for teaching you about what is most important in life. (Beauty, and being sexy - duh). And then, when you're thirty, and your beauty is mostly gone, and you feel like you have nothing to offer the world at large (you know, because the only thing that truly matters is rapidly wilting away) get a few more plastic surgeries, marry a guy for his money, have a daughter, and enroll her in the very first pageant you can find (preferably before age 1, you know, so she has lots of time to come to an understanding of what is truly important. This way, she can get used to not eating and hating everything about herself very early on).

Each time your daughter wins an award based solely on her outer appearance, you'll feel validated all over again! Prostituting your daughter (and winning trophies, sashes, and crowns for doing so) will give you an amazing (and extremely temporary) boost in both of your self esteems! It will be so great! And the best part of the whole thing is, if you do your part, and do it well, we'll have plenty of clueless, low-self-esteem victims to photograph in their unmentionables and then parade around on stage for Miss USA 2030! Everyone wins! Yay us!

xoxo,
Lola

DISCLAIMER ONE: PLEASE, (PLEASE PLEASE, PLEASE, PU-LEASE!!!!) NOTE THAT I REALLY DON'T CARE. MY ILLUSION OF THESE TYPES OF PAGEANTS BEING ANYTHING MORE THAN SHAMELESS, SHALLOW, "SKIN-FESTS" DISAPPEARED AT LEAST A WHOLE YEAR AGO. (I'M SO "WITH IT," I KNOW.) I JUST THOUGHT I WOULD EXTEND A THANK YOU TO THE MISS USA ORGANIZATION FOR "KEEPIN' IT REAL." I LOVE IT WHEN FALSE ESTABLISHMENTS SHOW THEIR TRUE COLORS. (AND REALLY, WHO DOESN'T LOVE THAT?)

DISCLAIMER TWO: IF YOU THINK THIS IS MEAN, I DON'T REALLY CARE. FEEL FREE NOT TO READ MY BLOG. FEEL FREE TO EVEN WRITE YOUR OWN BLOG ABOUT THE INHERENT-MISS-USA-BASHING-MEANNESS OF MY BLOG. IT'S COOL. I CAN TAKE IT.

16 comments:

Avie said...

Fantastic. This has just made my up-until-now-quite-crappy day. Thank you!

Frau said...

Yikes....wow they all look cheap!Really sad and disgusting!

Shantelle said...

Wow! You have said it right! Shocking...nothing more than shocking. And to think that I had the pageant set to record on my DVR...i don't think I can handle that. thanks for the warning. please bless that the pageant world hasn't come to this...

Barbaloot said...

I'm afraid to look at the link you provided---but afraid to not as well.

Love the letters to the contestants. Sometimes I don't think they even TRY to understand what they're doing to themselves.

Blackwell said...

W.O.W. That makes me sick sick SICK! They really just need to change the name to America's Next Porn Star and stop calling it a pageant!

the Lola Letters said...

Ahhh ha ha ha ha!

"America's Next Top Porn Star!"

Brilliant!

You know, as long as it is "tastefully done" of course ;)

Ashley Thalman said...

I read your post this morning and I am JUST NOW picking my jaw up off the floor. WARNING: This comment is going to be long.

1. This kind of has nothing to do with anything posted here but, well, kind of!

-A few months ago an extended family member applied to be a contestant on America's Next Top Model. I was curious what the fuss was all about so I went to the website and downloaded their disclosure and rules waiver. Let me quote my favorite line, "You understand and you agree that you may be required to pose and be photographed or videotaped while clothed, partially clothed or naked." Awesome and oh so classy!

A few weeks after this relative posted her modeling pics on her FB page someone (not me) told her she looked like a porn star and she fought back with- "Your just jealous!!!" I laughed so hard! Jealous?! Of a girl who is hoping her whole future on her looks, flat abs and dumb look on her face? Who the hell would be jealous of that?!

Other thoughts on the matter:
- American culture is going to hell in a hand-basket.
- One of my friends went to a burlesque show and she said it was so disturbing that she left crying, sobbing in fact.

Am I done? NEVER! But for now...yes!

the Lola Letters said...

Ashley - AMEN!

I would LOVE to interview Tyra Banks someday and ask her how she manages to "split-personality" her morals so effectively.

On one hand, she goes OFF about female empowerment and NOT degrading yourself, and does (really poorly produced) talk shows all about how scary it is that young girls are starving themselves and desperate to be beautiful. And Tyra hugs them and says "You are perfect just the way you are and never let ANYONE tell you differently!!"

The audience then applauds and wipes a little tear (because Tyra paid them to) and....scene!

Cue America's Next Top Model:
"You're too fat."
"You're too short."
"You're eyes are too close together."
and my personal favorite:

"What?! You're religious and have SOME semblance of self-respect and are therefore unwilling to take all of your clothes off?

How dare you!?

And how exactly do you expect to get anywhere in this world as a woman without taking your clothes off?!

Ha! Fat chance!

If you aren't going to use your body to get ahead, then guess what? You're NOT going to get ahead!"

Thanks Tyra. Um, where do YOU think those girls that you are hugging and comforting on your talk show are getting their information. (Answer: Um, from YOU, Tyra!!)

Feel free to pick a personality...and a moral stance that doesn't COMPLETELY contradict itself while you're at it.

the Lola Letters said...

Oh, I should also mention, Ashley, that America's Next Top Model's buck naked photo shoots are VERY "tastefully done" and therefore TOTALLY okay in my book!

Didn't you know that it's fine to compromise your standards and get all sorts of naked for millions of people as long as it's tastefully done?

Well it is.

Also on my short list of "all things tastefully done" are:

1. Paris Hilton's drunken birthday bashes.
2. Playboy... I mean, they are the epitome of tastefully done.
3. The Chelsea Handler Show.
4. Absolutely everything having anything to do with Kim Kardashian.
5. Absolutely everything having anything to do with Lindsay Lohan
and of course
6. The Miss USA pageant.

Ashley said...

Oh Em Gee!!! Those pics are soooooooooo NOT "pageant pics"! The Miss USA Pageant just keeps getting worse and worse every year!

Sad thing is... that's not gonna stop me from watching it! ;)

paige said...

I agree.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Aubry Macbean said...

I haven't watched the Miss USA pagent in years. I could care less. This just comnfirms my feelings. I even stopped watching the Miss America pagent because all the smart ones the charitable ones the ones with actual talent never make it to the end. The ones that spend the most time on thier looks are the ones making it to the end.

Just SO said...

I can't stand Trump. I can't stand pageants.

I agree with this post one hundred and twenty percent.

Raymonde said...

Hi Lola, I came here to reply about my fragrance post. Thanks by the way for the comment.

Then I started browsing and reading your article, I went to have a look at the contestants and my I could not believe it. Tarty or what?

I laughed out loud about the French prostitutes!! As you have gathered I am French and not a prostitute I hasten to add!!! But I imagine they would be flattered by your comment about being classier, or maybe not!

What are these girls agreeing to? Are 15 minutes of fame that important. Makes you wonder.

Nice to have met you, will probably come back soon. Take care. xxx

Natasha Ireland said...

UN.REAL.... really... WOW... ya that Miss Utah is NOT someone I want my daughter to look up to...yuck yuck. I'm in shock...well not really but sad it went to even that level.

Nelson Family said...

honestly it has been way too long since I have read your blog. I was dying over this post. No wonder you are one of my favorite people.