I stumbled upon this little delight on Facebook last night and I just had to share! This was written by my BFF Lisa and it cracked me up so hard!!!! Some girls have all the luck.
Ooooooooooh boy how will I chose?! My worst ever was probably with this guy Clay I was set up with by my friend Reagan (Laura stop laughing!)
I was dragged (kicking and screaming) to a rodeo where we were introduced. There were zero sparks at first but I kind of liked him by the end of our meeting so a few weeks later when he called me up and asked me out I said yes.
When we met up with my friend Laura and her husband Kyle for dinner a few days later, I was slightly taken aback. He was wearing a grungy t-shirt, jeans and a ball cap (ON A FIRST DATE PEOPLE, AT A NICE RESTAURANT! WE WERE NOT AT A BALL GAME!) I had spent hours on my outfit, hair, nail polish, jewelry and nearly puked in my car on the way there I was so nervous, and he showed up looking like he had just rolled out of bed. I was a little irritated but decided to not be judgy. During dinner he barely spoke. The guy wasn't just quiet he possessed ZERO personality. I've never wanted a cocktail so bad in my life. It was painful. I wanted to leave desperately! Unfortunately, he had purchased us tickets to "The Dark Knight" and Laura and Kyle were bailing out so I had to endure the longest movie ever made with Captain Lame-O. But, before our movie started we had an hour to kill, so we ended up chatting in the food court at the mall (ew).
He had loosened up a bit by then so I thought perhaps there was a glimmer of hope.
Not so, he went from boring to nasty. He discussed his scary hatred for his "cheating, s***, b**** ex-wife", how he loved hunting animals (big no-no. Lisa loves animals to the point of hysteria and he knew that), he told me I was one of those "fancy girls" and he didn't like it. (why? because I actually showered before the date and put on clean clothes). He went onto say he hated buying girls dinner, opening their doors and listening to them. Also that he lost 50 lbs when he got divorced and planned on gaining it all back. At that point I was reaching for a plastic food court knife in hopes, with a little effort, it would be sharp enough to open a vein. Alas, our movie began, but not before a pit stop to the arcade so he could shoot some video game animals. I excused myself to the bathroom and cried a little.
I endured the 2 and a half hour movie, with mister nasty/boring and his delightful commentary after which he drove me back to my car. I got out of his car and into mine in .5 seconds. He texted me "drive safe" and once again I was near vomiting in my car.ew.
Let me also just say I am not high maintenance at all! I'm super mellow and easy to date. Buy me dinner, tell me I look pretty, be nice, have good manners. Bam! I'm yours.
Ahhhh ha ha ha ha! Yay Wees! I loved that. Plastic food court knife? Shut the front door! I honestly couldn't breath I was laughing so hard! I wish I had a bad dating experience even remotely that awesome.
Due to the fact that I have a bit of an outgoing personality (*gasp* you don't say!) I was consistently courted by guys who were incredibly shy. I'm fairly certain that the idea of dating Laura Blackwell was appealing to them because they knew I could have a killer conversation with a car windshield, my hand bag, or a brick wall, so surely I would help them feel like charismatic rock stars! (and I did.) So, most of my dating life was filled with overly expensive, over-planned date-excursion thingies where I went on an expensive carriage ride (complete with a huge bouquet of roses and a $200 dinner) and had a one way convo with a horse's rear, or where we went on a gourmet picnic where the cheese basket and I really hit it off! I didn't mind though. I seriously had a soft spot for the super shy guys.
Then there were the arrogant ones... Oi! I could not for the life of me stand/handle/stomach the arrogant ones!
You know, the ones who serenade you because they are fairy certain that they have the most beautiful voice in the entire world and any woman should consider herself lucky to be stuck in a car listening to them sing "God Must Have Spent a Little More Time On You" at the top of his lungs, because that's not awkward/horrible/disturbing or anything! And yes, I DID, in fact consider throwing myself from the moving vehicle on multiple occasion's... Never quite had the guts to go through with it, but I smiled a little to myself as I imagined my body rolling violently along the asphalt over and over and over again as he lee-wayed into "I Want It That Way."
Or the one who takes you on an "I'm kind of a big deal" travel date because he has lots of money and thinks you should be impressed and fall madly in love with him as a result of his daddy's money earning (and good-for-nothing child spoiling) ability. That was awesome. He gambled SO MUCH and I think he thought that I would think he was awesome, but I really just felt like he was a spoiled schmuck who was ignoring me and wasting his daddy's money. Wow, that was a SERIOUSLY long weekend! No fun. Boo.
My all-time favorite, just plain weird date had to be the time when Kyle and I broke off our engagement. (stupid, stupid girl.) I was totally heartbroken and trying to pick up the pieces, and a guy from my ward found out that I was "available" and asked me out. (DISCLAIMER: I am seriously, honestly sorry to anyone who had the misfortune of dating me after I'd spent 3 blessed months with Mr. Kyle Frank Dugovic. It's like feeding a girl steak and caviar for three months followed by a steady diet of poo. Not pretty. ha ha! )
It could not have been even remotely fun to try to rise to my impossible Kyle standards in the weeks following the Kyle-break-up-catastrophe of 2000.) and I seriously owe an apology to the guys who tried.
So, this guy took me to Magelby's for a late lunch saying that he was good friends with the Magelby's and blah blah blah, and when we got to the restaurant, it was closed! Nice. Maybe his good friends should have given him a lil' call to let him know that they closed every day between 4 and 6...just a thought. So then we went to this deeeeeeelightful mom and pop shop that I didn't even know existed and I had the kind of grilled cheese sandwich and beer-battered fries that dreams are made of, and this guy totally redeemed himself.
Then, we went for a drive/hike thing (stupid, right? ...and I know what you're thinking...and NO I did not make out with him!) So we are walking and talking, and out of the blue he asked:
"So what was it about me that made you want to go out with me?"
Who on earth says that?
Well, I've never been much of a liar or ego-stroker (just ask any/all of my old boyfriends from high school who gladly dumped me for someone who was :) so I simply said:
"YOU asked ME out."
This caught him off guard, as he was clearly expecting an answer more along the lines of:
"Because you're dreamy, and smart, and charismatic, and something deep down inside of me just KNEW that you were probably good friends with the owners of Magelby's and other really, really important people, and frankly I just find those qualities irresistible!"
Ooops, was that how that was supposed to go down? Totally missed that.
Strangely enough, this whole convo makes me feel like I owe many of my ex-boyfriends from high school some much over-due praise:
*Yay you! You warmed that football bench better than anyone else on the team!
*Yay you! You are the king of 3 point basketball shot thingies and I clearly should have said how awesome and great you were more often so as to not have lost you to a delightfully complimentary, subservient, polygamist-ish girl who never cut her hair because "traditional" (a.k.a. creepy) boys like you only liked super long hair.
*Yay you! You are sooo handsome and cool and awesome and...okay I just threw up in my mouth a little. I'm really just not cut out for this. What I really should be saying is:
*Yay you! You dumped me and showed me exactly what "the kind of person I never wanted to marry" looked like! (a.k.a. you) Thanks to you I have the best hubs in the whole wide world! Who knew that being an enormous jerk would have such wonderful consequences in the long run? I know, right? So great. That Garth Brooks really knew what he was talkin' about. Some of God's greatest gifts REALLY are unanswered prayers! Way to go Garth! That man's a genius I tell ya, an absolute genius!
So anyway, my compliment-fishing date and I rode home in silence. It was weird. I probably should have been nicer, but honestly, I was tired of dating people who weren't Kyle, and this poor guy just got caught in the crossfire!
Not cool. I really do wish I had those guys' addresses. They deserve a box of chocolates and an apology. I guess at least they can write a really mean story about "some self-righteous snot (a.k.a me) they had the misfortune of dating back in the day" the next time they get tagged in a note on facebook. At least there's that.
*What was your worst dating experience? Tell me! Tell me! Then tag all your friends to do the same! If you post it on your blog tell me, cause I want to read it!