Wednesday, May 6, 2009

worst. date. experience.

I stumbled upon this little delight on Facebook last night and I just had to share! This was written by my BFF Lisa and it cracked me up so hard!!!! Some girls have all the luck.

Lisa said:

Ooooooooooh boy how will I chose?! My worst ever was probably with this guy Clay I was set up with by my friend Reagan (Laura stop laughing!)

I was dragged (kicking and screaming) to a rodeo where we were introduced. There were zero sparks at first but I kind of liked him by the end of our meeting so a few weeks later when he called me up and asked me out I said yes.

When we met up with my friend Laura and her husband Kyle for dinner a few days later, I was slightly taken aback. He was wearing a grungy t-shirt, jeans and a ball cap (ON A FIRST DATE PEOPLE, AT A NICE RESTAURANT! WE WERE NOT AT A BALL GAME!) I had spent hours on my outfit, hair, nail polish, jewelry and nearly puked in my car on the way there I was so nervous, and he showed up looking like he had just rolled out of bed. I was a little irritated but decided to not be judgy. During dinner he barely spoke. The guy wasn't just quiet he possessed ZERO personality. I've never wanted a cocktail so bad in my life. It was painful. I wanted to leave desperately! Unfortunately, he had purchased us tickets to "The Dark Knight" and Laura and Kyle were bailing out so I had to endure the longest movie ever made with Captain Lame-O. But, before our movie started we had an hour to kill, so we ended up chatting in the food court at the mall (ew).

He had loosened up a bit by then so I thought perhaps there was a glimmer of hope.

Not so, he went from boring to nasty. He discussed his scary hatred for his "cheating, s***, b**** ex-wife", how he loved hunting animals (big no-no. Lisa loves animals to the point of hysteria and he knew that), he told me I was one of those "fancy girls" and he didn't like it. (why? because I actually showered before the date and put on clean clothes). He went onto say he hated buying girls dinner, opening their doors and listening to them. Also that he lost 50 lbs when he got divorced and planned on gaining it all back. At that point I was reaching for a plastic food court knife in hopes, with a little effort, it would be sharp enough to open a vein. Alas, our movie began, but not before a pit stop to the arcade so he could shoot some video game animals. I excused myself to the bathroom and cried a little.

I endured the 2 and a half hour movie, with mister nasty/boring and his delightful commentary after which he drove me back to my car. I got out of his car and into mine in .5 seconds. He texted me "drive safe" and once again I was near vomiting in my car.ew.

Let me also just say I am not high maintenance at all! I'm super mellow and easy to date. Buy me dinner, tell me I look pretty, be nice, have good manners. Bam! I'm yours.


Ahhhh ha ha ha ha! Yay Wees! I loved that. Plastic food court knife? Shut the front door! I honestly couldn't breath I was laughing so hard! I wish I had a bad dating experience even remotely that awesome.

Due to the fact that I have a bit of an outgoing personality (*gasp* you don't say!) I was consistently courted by guys who were incredibly shy. I'm fairly certain that the idea of dating Laura Blackwell was appealing to them because they knew I could have a killer conversation with a car windshield, my hand bag, or a brick wall, so surely I would help them feel like charismatic rock stars! (and I did.) So, most of my dating life was filled with overly expensive, over-planned date-excursion thingies where I went on an expensive carriage ride (complete with a huge bouquet of roses and a $200 dinner) and had a one way convo with a horse's rear, or where we went on a gourmet picnic where the cheese basket and I really hit it off! I didn't mind though. I seriously had a soft spot for the super shy guys.

Then there were the arrogant ones... Oi! I could not for the life of me stand/handle/stomach the arrogant ones!

You know, the ones who serenade you because they are fairy certain that they have the most beautiful voice in the entire world and any woman should consider herself lucky to be stuck in a car listening to them sing "God Must Have Spent a Little More Time On You" at the top of his lungs, because that's not awkward/horrible/disturbing or anything! And yes, I DID, in fact consider throwing myself from the moving vehicle on multiple occasion's... Never quite had the guts to go through with it, but I smiled a little to myself as I imagined my body rolling violently along the asphalt over and over and over again as he lee-wayed into "I Want It That Way."

Or the one who takes you on an "I'm kind of a big deal" travel date because he has lots of money and thinks you should be impressed and fall madly in love with him as a result of his daddy's money earning (and good-for-nothing child spoiling) ability. That was awesome. He gambled SO MUCH and I think he thought that I would think he was awesome, but I really just felt like he was a spoiled schmuck who was ignoring me and wasting his daddy's money. Wow, that was a SERIOUSLY long weekend! No fun. Boo.

My all-time favorite, just plain weird date had to be the time when Kyle and I broke off our engagement. (stupid, stupid girl.) I was totally heartbroken and trying to pick up the pieces, and a guy from my ward found out that I was "available" and asked me out. (DISCLAIMER: I am seriously, honestly sorry to anyone who had the misfortune of dating me after I'd spent 3 blessed months with Mr. Kyle Frank Dugovic. It's like feeding a girl steak and caviar for three months followed by a steady diet of poo. Not pretty. ha ha! )
It could not have been even remotely fun to try to rise to my impossible Kyle standards in the weeks following the Kyle-break-up-catastrophe of 2000.) and I seriously owe an apology to the guys who tried.

So, this guy took me to Magelby's for a late lunch saying that he was good friends with the Magelby's and blah blah blah, and when we got to the restaurant, it was closed! Nice. Maybe his good friends should have given him a lil' call to let him know that they closed every day between 4 and 6...just a thought. So then we went to this deeeeeeelightful mom and pop shop that I didn't even know existed and I had the kind of grilled cheese sandwich and beer-battered fries that dreams are made of, and this guy totally redeemed himself.
Then, we went for a drive/hike thing (stupid, right? ...and I know what you're thinking...and NO I did not make out with him!) So we are walking and talking, and out of the blue he asked:
"So what was it about me that made you want to go out with me?"
Huh? What?
Who on earth says that?
Well, I've never been much of a liar or ego-stroker (just ask any/all of my old boyfriends from high school who gladly dumped me for someone who was :) so I simply said:

"YOU asked ME out."

This caught him off guard, as he was clearly expecting an answer more along the lines of:

"Because you're dreamy, and smart, and charismatic, and something deep down inside of me just KNEW that you were probably good friends with the owners of Magelby's and other really, really important people, and frankly I just find those qualities irresistible!"

Ooops, was that how that was supposed to go down? Totally missed that.

Strangely enough, this whole convo makes me feel like I owe many of my ex-boyfriends from high school some much over-due praise:

*Yay you! You warmed that football bench better than anyone else on the team!
*Yay you! You are the king of 3 point basketball shot thingies and I clearly should have said how awesome and great you were more often so as to not have lost you to a delightfully complimentary, subservient, polygamist-ish girl who never cut her hair because "traditional" (a.k.a. creepy) boys like you only liked super long hair.
*Yay you! You are sooo handsome and cool and awesome and...okay I just threw up in my mouth a little. I'm really just not cut out for this. What I really should be saying is:

*Yay you! You dumped me and showed me exactly what "the kind of person I never wanted to marry" looked like! (a.k.a. you) Thanks to you I have the best hubs in the whole wide world! Who knew that being an enormous jerk would have such wonderful consequences in the long run? I know, right? So great. That Garth Brooks really knew what he was talkin' about. Some of God's greatest gifts REALLY are unanswered prayers! Way to go Garth! That man's a genius I tell ya, an absolute genius!

So anyway, my compliment-fishing date and I rode home in silence. It was weird. I probably should have been nicer, but honestly, I was tired of dating people who weren't Kyle, and this poor guy just got caught in the crossfire!

Not cool. I really do wish I had those guys' addresses. They deserve a box of chocolates and an apology. I guess at least they can write a really mean story about "some self-righteous snot (a.k.a me) they had the misfortune of dating back in the day" the next time they get tagged in a note on facebook. At least there's that.

*What was your worst dating experience? Tell me! Tell me! Then tag all your friends to do the same! If you post it on your blog tell me, cause I want to read it!


Kristina P. said...

I met my husband online, and actually met him about 3 weeks after I joined LDS Singles. The first guy I went out with was NOTHING like he was online. Online he was confident, charming, funny, etc.

In person, he was like Urkel meets a wet noodle. It was HORRIBLE. WE went to the Fun Dome when that was still around, and I completely felt like I was the man. He had NO game.

I wonder if he had ever been in the same room with a girl before.

Lindsay said...

I got set up with my roommates boyfriend's roommate (never a good idea). The roommate set up...stay away from those. So he picks me up and we walk to his car and it was a really nice car so I was thinking 'okay a nice car is a good start'. He opens the door to let me in and to my horror I see something terrible.....Tazmanian Devil floor mats. It was over before it even began.

Anonymous said...

I don't really know. Most of my dates were okay. Though being a girl who either ended up being to shy to talk to a guy or acting to stupid that he would never want to ask me out I really didn't date a whole lot. The most awkward date I had was when the friend of the guy I liked asked me out. In front of the guy I liked. What was I to do. Dumb me I said yes. We double dated with the guy I liked. I ended up being sick in the bathroom for part of the date. I was so nervous and on edge my stomach just could not take the tension. Good thing I met Brian other wise I would probably still be dating.
You make me laugh. I am pretty sure I could name each of those boyfriends from high school whose egos needed boosting. I probably would have pointed out the obvious to that guy who asked you out and then asked you what you saw in him. I might not have realized until later that he had wanted a compliment. He was dumb though. He knew you had been engaged right. He's lucky you didn't start comparing him to Kyle. Idiot. He would have deserved that. Honestly what kind of guy asks that question to a girl who just broke up with her fiance?
p.s this is Aubry by the way my google account must be having issues.

Katie--the amazing one, not your other friend named Katie. She's amazing, too, but not the same Katie as me-- said...

I had a guy from church ask me out for ice cream. I consented, although he wasn't overly impressive.
He took a perfectly good moment--sitting outside on a late spring evening, eating some Cold Stone goodness--and ruined it by asking me what I was looking for in a guy.
I was only on my third bite of our first date. He could've at least waited for the car ride home to ask that question.
I didn't want to answer, but I feared more what might come next if I didn't say anything.
I kept it simple and said that I liked guys who are funny, can carry on an intellectual conversation, and enjoy playing outside.
He didn't even try to mask his inadequacies. He confessed that he couldn't tell a joke to save his life. (I informed him that telling jokes was the least funny way to be funny. Funny could just happen naturally. He insisted he wasn't funny, no matter how hard he tried.) He admitted that he didn't do very well in school. (Again, I tried to convince him that intelligence can't always be measured by a pencil and paper. He didn't accept my assistance and continued to point out all the ways he wasn't very bright.) In response to my last ideal, he told me that he hated camping and had only been hiking once.
Who does that?! I thought the purpose of a first date was to impress the girl, even if that meant telling a fib or two.
Fortunately for you, the story doesn't end there.
A couple Sundays later, he asks me out again. I didn't want to go out with him, but he was sly. (Although, I don't think he was clever about it; I think it was just chance.) He asked me out in front of several people, including a counselor in the EQP and my little sister who came to listen to me teach Sunday School. I felt obligated to say yes.
He took me bowling. I totally kicked his trash. I didn't mean to. I even tried to give myself handicaps by bowling with my eyes shut and bowling as fast as I could. I still quintupled his score. I normally wouldn't have cared that I was winning. Normally, I would have relished in it, since I am slightly competitive. However, this kid was throwing himself a pity party. He "pretended" to whine and complain, possibly thinking that I would think it was cute. Um, no. Definitely not. Be a man, sir. (Again, I thought dating was about impressing the girl. He should be taking me on dates where he can show off some kind of skill.)
Well, to add pain to misery, the story continues.
I had sworn the guy off. I wasn't going out with him again no matter if he asked me out in front of the Prophet.
Yet, I'm cursed.
One afternoon, I had been texting a friend of mine (probably your little brother) and anticipated some type of witty response. When my phone vibrated, I didn't even think twice about flinging that thing open.
Oh, heavens! What had I done?
I looked down to see that I had answered a phone call from this boy. I starting talking to him. He invited me to go to the county fair. My heart told me NO!, but some selfish organ inside my body told me to go for it! I love riding the rides at the county fair, but I hate paying for the tickets. What the heck? I'll settle.
I found out when he picked me up that we were doubling with his brother, sister-in-law, and their two kids. Awkward! (I hope he wasn't seeking approval from his family. I feared a proposal at the end of the night. Hey. It's happened before.)
When we got there, the first place we hit up is the business section. He didn't want to enjoy the free concert. He didn't want to check out the art or quilt show. He didn't want to check out the animals. He wanted to walk around and be swindled into listening to some schpeel about water purification.
My prayers were answered when we chanced upon a booth full of knives. I admired the knives. I asked questions, palmed a few, and purchased a knife that was more for show than purpose. Of course, he couldn't be outmanned. He bought a knife, too. I could tell it pained him to hand over his debit card for the $15 purchase. With that, I knew this would be the worst date yet.
Finally, we exited the business section and headed toward the rides. He purchased 10 tickets (not even enough for us each to ride two rides) and we walked around deciding which one to ride. Since I knew he didn't have much cash to spare, I told him I would pay for an unlimited rides bracelet since I intended on riding all the rides anyway. I walked away and forked over $20, a small investment in what could be an amazing night of nausea and dodge-the-vomit. Once I returned with my newly purchased bracelet, we walked to the ferris wheel.
It was then that he finally admitted that he's not really a fan of fair rides. He told me that he was too scared to even ride the ferris wheel.
Couldn't he have said this two minutes sooner, before I blew $20 on a bracelet.
We walked around looking at all the rides. I tried to convince him at each stop that each one was safe. "Look at all those tiny kids riding it."
At this point, I'd had enough. I told him I was getting in line. He didn't have to ride if he didn't want to. I'd ride single.
Or so I thought. When we finally made it to the front of the line, the carny told me that this ride wasn't equipped for single riders. I begged and pleaded for my date to ride it with me.
He wouldn't.
I stepped out of line without getting a chance to ride.
At the next line, I kindly asked my date to go find out if single riders could ride while I stood in line. (I was trying to be efficient, so I could leave as soon as possible.) He walked toward the front of the line, but chickened out before he got close enough to even talk to someone.
I risked being labeled a creepy creepster, having the cops called on me, and asked some young teenagers if I could ride with them.
I was too stubborn to leave without riding at least a few rides. I found two single rider rides and hit up a couple young girls, so I could ride my favorite fair ride.
All the while, my "date" stood off to the side, watching. He didn't even stand in line with me.
Again, why ask a girl to the fair if you don't like going to the fair? He had already bombed two other dates. Was there anything that he's good at or remotely interested in?
The morals of the story are:
Don't swear.
Don't be selfish.
A lame guy can spoil even the most exciting of activities.
It's better to be labeled a jerkface than to go on a second date with a self-professed moron who isn't funny.
When on a date, leave your money at home.

(I hope you enjoyed my misery.)

Anonymous said...

Ahahahahaha! I love reading these!
I'm feeling much better about being a loser at love.
Cheers to bad dates, they make great stories later :)

Nisa said...

And this is definitely the reason you should be writing! I love it! How's that book coming by the way?

Worst date ever? Jr. Prom. I was the jerk though. The guy was shy, I was shy and it was my first date... It was awful! HORRIBLE! I wish I could send him a box of chocolates and an apology too.

the Lola Letters said...

Ha ha ha ha ha!
You guys, those are hilarious! Fun Dome, Tazmanian Devil mats ( no seriously...that is SO bad!!!) Katie, I want to kick that guy so bad!!! Wow! I can't handle major party poopers like that! I would have gone crazy!!! Wow. All I can say is WOW.

Keep 'em comin' you guys!! This has been my favorite thing ever! I'm with Lisa - yay for bad dates. WE can wear them like badges of honor now!

Lisa said...

So I'm Amber Whatcott's sis-in-law and I'm officially de-lurking! I love your blog. I wrote on my blog about my dating experiences, though they were few and far between. Enjoy!

Richard said...

There are highly useful dating strategies for the shy guy on World Wide Web that can help to overcome the problem of shyness. As tough as it is for the shy people, it is imperative to make an eye contact while on a date. The shifting eyes can highlight the facts that you are hiding something from the other person or not having that confidence level.

Natasha Ireland said...

Going to Jr. Prom with NOT MY FIRST CHOICE date. Going snowboarding all day (which was cool but alllll so frusterating) because anyone that has snowboarded knows that the first day IS NO GOOD. It's mostly on your butt down a hill. So frusteration levels are HIGH. It's cold and it's getting late. I think...well at LEAST we get to go home get all prettied up and go to a nice dinner. hahahaha nope..we get to the truck from the ski hill and instead of getting in and driving home. THe guys whip out the grill and seriously start GRILLING OUR DINNER right there as we are all freezing. I wanted to DIE.