Wednesday, December 17, 2008

On the seventh day of Christmas, my favorite thing would be...That's it!

mmmkay, so, this was me this morning:

1. I love Christmas!
2. I love hand-made ornaments!
3. I love "The Forgotten Carols!"
4. Peace on earth, good will toward men!

THEN this was me this afternoon:
1. My oh so special, crampy, hormonal, miserable, unwelcome,"monthly visitor" made her debut just in time to remind me that we would NOT be making any sort of "special announcement" to our families for the 4th Christmas in a row.
2. I was then idiotic enough to think that a little holiday shopping/errand running WITH my 5 year old (who HATES shopping beyond that which words can even express) in tow, would be just the sort of "pick me up" I needed.
3. I left my coat on a bench in a store (with my cell phone in the pocket) and didn't realize it until we were in another store across town.
4. I got cornered in Big Lots (while searching for cheesy, jingle bell-ish jewelry to wear at the "Ugly Christmas Sweater and Egg Nog Karaoke Party" I am throwing for my neighborhood) by a freaking crazy sales rep who was trying to sell me a $10.00 "Portrait Package from "Ghetto iz Us" photography! I kid you not, the portraits they had displayed as examples of their AMAZING photography skills looked something like this:

I know you think I'm kidding, and I honestly wish that I was, but alas, I am NOT...
5. Kortland demanding/whining/screeching:
"Why can't I?"
"I don't want to sit it a cart!"
"I don't want to go to any more stores!"
"I hate shopping!"
"How many more stores?"
"I hate shopping!"
"How many more stores?"
"I just hate this!"
"Dad, I wanna play the Jetson's game on your phone." (X's 1,000 repetitions) And he COULD NOT play the Jetson's game on Kyle's phone because Kyle was expecting several business calls, and his phone won't let calls through when Kort is playing that particular game...but does that matter to Kort? Of course not! He's a 5 five year old "only child," and he wanted to play the bloody Jetson's game RIGHT NOW!
6. We get home with just enough time for me to throw 4 dozen pink cupcakes (from a box mix) into the oven in preparation for our scout party.
7. A door to door salesman knocks on my door and tries to sell new windows and siding to me - IN SPITE OF THE FACT that I immediately informed him that our house got BRAND NEW windows and siding 3 years ago! You know what, forget the MP3 Player, Skull Candy Headphones, and clothes galore, all I want for Christmas this year is a bloody "No Soliciting" sign for my door and a Rottweiler that'll bite the rear-end off of anyone jerk-ish enough to knock anyway!
8. Twelve (count 'em T.W.E.L.V.E.) 11-year-old scouts show up at my door with muddy feet and enough energy to launch a rocket into outer space.
9. Have you ever been in a small living room with 12 adolescent boys who have all of the bodily odors of a full-on teenager but NONE of the lovely, "good-hygiene" habits that teenagers tend to have developed by the time they hit teenager-hood? NOT put it mildly.
Let me break down the math:
Twelve (count 'em T.W.E.L.V.E.) sweaty, muddy sneakers on my landing
24 feet wrapped up in 3 day old, fungus-ridden socks
running all over freshly shampooed carpets
Hormonal Laura
deodorant, Ritalin, and volume control
So, this is me tonight:
I hate Christmas!
I hate shopping!
I hate Big Lots Fine Portraiture salesmen!
I hate door-to-door salesmen!
I hate pink cupcakes!
(Kortland and I both sure said hate a lot today for a family that is morally opposed to the use of such a negative word...but what are ya gonna do?)
I don't hate scouts...(I really don't) but we should probably
cancel scouts the next time I have a day this rough!
If you need me, I'll be in bed with the covers pulled up over my head. I'll give "existence" another shot tomorrow, but as for today, the proverbial towel has officially been thrown in. Hope you all had a better day than I did (and short of running Santa Clause over with your SUV in the shopping mall parking lot or having your hair catch fire could you NOT have?)


Ashley Koz said...

lol...... I really shouldn't laugh, you just make it sound so funny. I'm sorry you had such a crappy day, luv u, I'm assuming you got your coat and phone back

Celeste said...

i love you.
i'm glad that i'm not the only one who feels like a failure each time aunt flo comes a'callin'. hate that bitch. oh, and you should be sainted AND knighted for putting up with scouts. that would be the death of me. and them.
tomorrow will be mo beddah.

Janyece said...

I can make you a sign on print shop and mail it to you. I think it might make it by Christmas! ;)

I'm sorry you had such a rough day! I hope tomorrow goes so much better! (Darn those hormones! Curse 'em!)

Jen Nelson said...

Now I feel guilty for complaining about pack meeting. It was smelly - but we were at the church.
How can you be so miserable and so funny at the same time?
I love you and I am so sad your monthly unwelcome "gift" arrived. :( you stay in bed as long as you need to!

Jen Nelson said...

p.s. I am pretty sure I know the people in that bottom picture... yikes!

Nisha said...

Well thanks for giving your readers a laugh at your expense. Those pics were awesome.

Kristen said...

those pics rock baby! sorry you had a day! next time drop kort off at my house!

Laura said...

Oh Laura!! I am so sorry that your day was so awful! And I am sorry that I missed out on your on a weekday right before Christmas are hard to come by!! Ben had a blast though! I totally know how you feel about the fertility issues...been there done that (TWICE)! You can call, stop by, e-mail, vent to me if you want. I hope things get better for you very soon!!

Aubry Macbean said...

Sorry you had a bad day, but I hear they happen once in a while. My little monthy monster is suppose to show up on Christmas Day. Merry Christmas to me.