Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Dear Producers of ABC's Hit Television Show "The Bachelorette",

I have a bone, 
{make that 7 bones}
to pick with you.

1. Can you please stop digging up every promiscuous home-wrecker and/or full-on-sociopath that the great state of Utah has hiding in its skeazy underground clubs/bars and what not, and then placing them front and center under the bright national spotlight of the reality television phenomenon that IS the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise? {Yes, that was one sentence. You can diagram it for accuracy if you don't believe me.} Please? {Also a sentence, technically.}

I mean, really guys.

I'd almost rather hail from a state known for producing Sarah Palin, or, I dunno, Jeffrey Dahmer, or Lady Gaga, or ANYTHING at this point. Where do you FIND these people?! And can you please stop finding them in Utah? This is just embarassing.

2. I have a REALLY great addition to what is clearly already a very rigorous audition/screening process for guys interested in dating the next Bachelorette.You could have them fill out a questionnaire that asks the following questions.

1}Are you glib and superficial?
2} Do you get really tickled with yourself when you tell lots of people blatant lies and they believe you?
3}Did you kill and mutilate animals as a child?
4} Do you like making insecure girls believe that you care about them, and then laughing at them and calling them ugly behind their backs?
5}Do you at least have one ex-wife and at least one offspring whose names you can also drag down the broken road of hideous egos and t.v. shame with you?
6} Are you ugly, with bad taste in clothing but quite certain that you are God's gift to the world?
7} Do you have a cheesy local business that you want to get free advertising for?
8} Do you hope that your experience on "The Bachelorette" will somehow catapult you into television, stand up, modeling, and movie roles? {Because, yeah, this OBVIOUSLY works 99% of the time. You know, it worked for...what's-his-name, and such and, yeah, I can't actually think of a single person for whom that has worked at the moment... but it's bound to come to me sooner or later...surely there's at least one...}
9} When you're too stupid to come up with a good response to a question, are you at least smart enough to sit quietly with a smug smirk on your face and act like you're too intelligent/coy to answer said question?
10}Do you think that you are good enough to land a girl like Emily Maynard? {If he answers yes to this one, not only will that make for really great laughs in the production meeting, it will also give you crucial insight into the fact that, well, he is bat-poo crazy and clearly delusional.}

So you know, give those a lil' try at your next round up. If they answer "Yes" to most of those questions, you will have a precise formula for finding yourselves a skeazy "Bentley-esque" stand in for EVERY season of "The Bachelorette"! Think of the ratings...{Ha! Like I need to tell YOU that!} Oh the possibilities.

**If you want even more questions to aid you on your quest to infuse at least 1-2 sociopaths into every Bachelorette taping, see here.

3. Did you know that my computer's spell checker doesn't even acknowledge the word "bachelorette" as a real word? Hm. Moving on.

4. Can anyone tell me why in the "Jake Pavelka" season of the Bachelor, that hot girl "Rozlyn" got kicked off the show for hooking up with a producer because "They didn't want the integrity of the show compromised by allowing someone who was not interested in making a romantic connection with Jake to remain on the show..." when that was EXACTLY the case with Bentley? He had NO INTEREST in her. He said so himself. So why was he allowed to mosey that ugly mug around the bachelor pad and spit hurtful words into the diary cam's face in a never-ending stream of jerk-vomit for weeks on end? Seems a bit inconsistent to me... which leads me to:

5. Since when does your show endorse flying sociopaths to Hong Kong and putting them up in sweet skyscraper hotel rooms in order to have a 10 minute, bum-holish conversation with one messed-up-lil'-kitten? Seriously? HE gets a big fatty ticket to HK? Him!? Come on! I'm a poor little housewife whose greatest international travel adventure thus far has landed her in the pee-soaked streets of Tijuana. Send ME to Hong Kong! Sure, I'm not a sociopath with bad hair, bad flannels, and bad intentions, but I'd try to keep it interesting. Send me! Send me!

6. I think that an in-depth reading of "He's Just Not that Into You" should be required reading for your future bachelorettes. And hey, while I'm wish-listing here, I also think that future bachelorettes should have:

a. Self-esteem. Even just a liiiittle bit. Just some semblance of self esteem. A sliver really, just SOME.
b. Good fake eye-lashes that don't just go down the center of her eyelid.
c. The ability to properly pronounce the word "perfect."
d. The ability to carry on a halfway decent conversation.
e. Did I mention self -esteem? I did? Oh yeah. Well, it's sort of important.

7. I have way more bones to pick with you, but we'll have to save them for another day. I am TIRED. {And I get all sorts of stabby when I'm tired.}



Lacee and Cole said...

Love it!!!

Blackwell said...

Oh joy you are right on the money! Love it u witty little fart!

The Dales said...

Hahaha! I hope you don't mind I'm blog stalking you and reading all your posts. And I am also an admitted The Bachelorette addict...and I love your post. haha